Ghosting—when someone disappears from communication without explanation—is an unfortunate part of modern dating, and yes, it happens in the lifestyle, too. You may have been planning an exciting meet-up with a couple or individual, only to have them vanish into thin air with no explanation. It’s frustrating and confusing, but ghosting is more common than you might think, even within our open and communicative community.
In this post, we’ll explore why ghosting happens in the swinging lifestyle, and more importantly, how you can handle it when it happens to you. If you’re interested in hearing more about this topic, check out my recent podcast episode where I dive deeper into flaking, ghosting, and when to walk away from a couple in the lifestyle.
Why Ghosting Happens in the Lifestyle
Ghosting doesn’t always have a clear or rational explanation, but there are some common reasons it occurs, especially in the unique dynamics of the swinging community. Here are a few factors that might be behind someone’s disappearing act:
1. Fear of Confrontation
No one enjoys rejection, but the fear of facing an uncomfortable conversation can lead people to ghost instead. Rather than telling you that they’re no longer interested or that something came up, they might vanish to avoid that discomfort. In a community built on trust and open communication, it’s unfortunate when someone takes the easy way out, but it happens.
2. Busy Schedules
Many people in the lifestyle have full, busy lives outside of swinging. Between work, family obligations, and social commitments, plans can fall through. Ghosting might not always be intentional; sometimes, life simply gets in the way, and communication slips through the cracks. While this doesn’t excuse the behavior, understanding that other factors could be at play might help ease some of the sting.
3. Mismatched Expectations
In the lifestyle, expectations can sometimes be unclear or unspoken, leading to mismatches between couples or individuals. Perhaps one party is looking for a casual connection, while the other is hoping for something more ongoing. When these mismatches occur, some people find it easier to disappear rather than communicate their feelings.
4. Discomfort with Rejection
Rejecting someone in the lifestyle can feel more complex than in traditional dating since there’s often a community aspect to swinging. People might fear causing drama, offending someone, or creating an awkward situation within the circle. As a result, they opt to ghost, thinking it will avoid hurt feelings—though it often has the opposite effect.
5. Personal Insecurities
Ghosting sometimes stems from internal struggles, particularly for people who are new to the lifestyle or feeling overwhelmed by their experiences. Insecurities or doubts may cause them to withdraw without explanation, leaving the other person or couple wondering what went wrong.
How to Handle Being Ghosted
Getting ghosted can feel like a punch to the gut, especially when you were excited about the connection. But it’s important to remember that ghosting isn’t necessarily a reflection on you.
Here’s how to handle it with grace:
1. Don’t Take It Personally
More often than not, ghosting is about the other person and their issues, not about you. While it’s natural to feel rejected or confused, try not to internalize it. Lifestyle connections can be fluid and unpredictable, and sometimes ghosting is just part of the process.
2. Follow-Up Once
It’s okay to send one polite follow-up message, asking if everything is alright or simply confirming if plans have changed. However, if you don’t hear back after that, it’s best to move on. There’s no need to chase someone who isn’t showing the same level of interest or respect for your time.
3. Move On Gracefully
Ghosting can leave you feeling frustrated or even angry, but dwelling on it won’t help. Instead, focus your energy on new opportunities and connections. The lifestyle is full of amazing people, and there’s no reason to linger on those who don’t show the same level of respect.
4. Learn from the Experience
Ghosting can sometimes offer insights into early signs of mismatched vibes or red flags. Reflect on the connection leading up to the ghosting—were there any signals that communication was dropping off? Use these experiences to better read situations in the future, but don’t let them make you cynical or jaded.
How to Avoid Being the Ghoster
It’s just as important to ensure that you’re not the one doing the ghosting. The lifestyle community thrives on respect, and clear communication is a core value. Here’s how to avoid
falling into the ghosting trap:
1. Communicate Clearly
If things aren’t clicking or you’re no longer interested, it’s always better to be upfront about it. A polite and honest message saying you’re not feeling a connection goes a long way. It may feel awkward, but it’s far more respectful than disappearing without a word.
2. Be Respectful of People’s Time
Everyone in the lifestyle values their time and effort. Ghosting wastes that time, especially if someone has gone out of their way to plan or coordinate. A simple message to cancel or bow out will always be appreciated.
Conclusion
Ghosting is never fun, but understanding why it happens and how to handle it can make it easier to navigate. Remember, ghosting isn’t necessarily a reflection on you, and while it may sting, it’s often a sign that the connection wasn’t meant to be. By focusing on open communication, respecting others’ time, and not taking things personally, you can gracefully move forward and find the right connections in the lifestyle.
If you’d like to hear more about ghosting and other lifestyle challenges, be sure to check out my podcast episode where I talk about when to walk away from a couple. And remember—always be the person who communicates clearly!
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