Episode 72 - How to do a one-night stand

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla as we talk about one-night stands.

This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.

Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.

Hey? Are you interested in no strings attached sex? Do you want to learn how to have one night stands in the Lifestyle? Want to know what locations have the highest chances for getting you some strange? Are you nervous about doing a one night stand and wonder how the hell are we going to do this? I am here to help.

One night stands. No strings attached sex. Sex with another person when you have no intention of continuing existing in their life beyond this night, beyond this point, beyond the orgasm. It happens. It happens in the lifestyle. I have no idea what percentage of encounters between couples would qualify as one night stands. To throw out a guess maybe 2% to 89%. Literally just made up those numbers. I don’t know. I know it does happen based on the stories we hear. Based on our own experiences in the Lifestyle. There is a subset of people in the Lifestyle who only want one-night stands. Did you know the acronym for One Night stands is ONS? I will not be saying O N S repeatedly as that is harder to enunciate that one-night stands.

People who do one night stands don’t want connections beyond one night. They don’t want repeat business. No matter how good or bad the sex is, they are simply one night stand people. No judgement from me. Not me and wife’s jam but I know people do it. We have done it ourselves. If you and your spouse enjoy it, there is no place for me to say shit. If you and your spouse want to do it, I can help with that.

I overanalyze everything. I am super methodical. I want to dissect this kind of experience, give you pointers on the how, talk about the considerations, give you all the information you need to decide if this is an activity for you and your spouse. I know I can come across as leaning towards the friendship and connection side of the lifestyle a lot. That’s where I am comfortable for me and my personal life. I respect people who do things differently.

And I can see the appeal of one-night stands. I really can. Sex. No emotions. No weird feelings. No future weirdness on the horizon. The problem with friendship slash connection side is that feelings can get involved. Good or bad. We are all human. Extended interactions with a couple can lead to friendships, long-term relationships, all that. It can also lead to difficult feelings to reconcile. What if your long-term friends find new friends? Or connections break down? Or people drift apart? Or move across the country. We are adults with adult lives, moving across the country is surprisingly common.

The danger, maybe danger is not the right word but it feels right. The danger with long term connections in the LS is you get attached to people. And being attached in anyway besides genitally can feel anathema to the spirit of the Lifestyle. We are supposed to be out there fucking new people and meeting new people and new new new new. Sometimes you don’t want new. Sometimes you want what you have invested time into. And that requires a whole separate set of skills that few of us are equipped for so then you are learning how to manage long term friendships in the lifestyle as you go. That should be an episode topic in the future.

The upside of one-night stands. None of that. No worry about the strength of friendships. No weird feelings. No care or concern beyond making sure you are horny. It sounds liberating. You mean I don’t have to care about this other person beyond the next few hours. We can have sex and not worry about tomorrow. We can do this? It’s allowed? Fuck yes, it is.

It is sex. Pure raw primal sex. It could be great. Could be bad. Roll the fucking dice and find out. The purest expression of the Lifestyle in one act. One moment of freedom from the mundane Vanilla world. Our purpose distilled into an hour of physical release.

I want to define what I mean by one night stand for this episode. My definition of a one night stand is, we meet a couple on the same day or within the same 72-hour period, which sounds fair and have sex with them. And then never speak again.

Versus say a one and done situation. You meet a couple, have sex and never have sex again. This is usually a result of the sex being bad and you don’t want to bother with it again. Or maybe your lust towards this couple is satisfied so no need to reengage. Or they ghost you. Which happens? And if you have ever been ghosted after an encounter, let’s all join together in raising a middle finger in the air and saying fuck them.

There is another variation where you have sex with a couple, you are open to doing it again and it never happens. Nuances to all this. Maybe the stars never align again, or life gets in the way. And then there is the layer of, we meet on a dating site, chatted for a week, had sex and then never talked again. Where does that fall into all this? I haven’t a fucking clue. If I have learned anything from doing this podcast there are countless ways to slice and label and categorize shit. Countless. Keeping my definition simple for this one though you can expand it all you want when you talk to your spouse later tonight about this episode.

Mindset matters for this. Set your intentions. Here is permission from a random podcaster. You can have one-night stands. They happen. If you want to try it. Do it. Who the fuck cares? In the lifestyle hookups are allowed. Not all sexual relations require months of planning, conversations and connections. No, just here for the fucking. So, get to fucking.

Mindset matters. Two spouses need to be on the same page. Ask each other honestly why are we doing this? Why do we want this? Are we on the same page for this? If you have satisfactory answers to all those questions, go for it.

Out in the vanilla world, in media, there is a very pervasive thought that sex always leads to negative consequences. Look at horror movies. Anyone who has sex in a horror movie, you know they will be the next victim. Our society wants to punish sex, especially casual sex. We are taught our entire fucking lives by miserable vanilla people that sex is bad. The only good sex is in a marriage and even then, you can’t enjoy it. Sex bad. That’s bullshit.

Dispelling this myth. You are allowed to have sex with strangers as long as it is safe, consensual and fun. There you go. I know it is hard for vanilla people to wrap their heads around this concept, this simple concept of it’s just sex. Just physical intimacy. Society tells us that we have to have at least three dates, maybe texting, complications. You don’t.

This is not the same as hookup culture in the vanilla world. Over there, I feel there is more deception, more trickery, more lies. Men are taught to say whatever they need to in order to get laid. Women are taught to feel bad for having sex. That is not us. We are better as a community. We can leave that puritanical thinking in the dumpster.

Still got you interested. Let’s get freaky technical about fucking strangers. We have a few considerations to talk about now before the hunt begins. This is a hunt. We are going hunting for couples who are also interested in easy to acquire sex.

This is a weird one. Are you going to use your real names? Fake names? Nicknames? What the fuck do mean? One-night stands, by nature tend to lend themselves to anonymity. If you want to have truly no strings attached, you could use a fake name. Just saying. Consideration. If you use a fake name, make sure you will answer to it.

I say this will be hunting. That implies this will be an intentional act. There is also the possibility of organic one-night stands. I personally don’t think anything to do with sex is truly organic. If the opportunity presents itself, you do not organically get naked and start rubbing on someone. You are making conscious decisions all along that path which means this is not organic. There are conversations that should always happen before you have sex which I will talk about later, that do not come up organically. I do not organically ask people if they are tested and can I put a thumb up their butt. Rarely does that come up organically.

Jumping ahead, you and your spouse want to have anonymous sex. Get laid tonight. We need to survey our options on where to look. Some of these options are way better than others. First the shittiest option. Social media. Reddit and Facebook. I see it. I see couples blasting out nudes with text along the lines of “looking for fun tonight”. This is a shitty method. It is a free method. Only point in its favor.

This method is shitty because you are throwing out bait into a garbage dump, swatting away seagulls and rats hoping, hoping hard that you find something decent.

Next option is the online apps. These are usually behind a paywall. Benefits there are profiles. You can go shopping. There is hopefully text in the profile to let you know that the nice couple you are looking at is interested in the same activity you are. Downside, this takes fucking work. Chatting, vetting, still must meet these people in person to confirm physical attraction.

Meetups, usually at a bar, going with a bar in my head. A local tribe puts together a meetup at a bar. Upsides, meeting another couple in person, immediate feedback on physical attraction. What about mental attraction? Who the fuck said we need that? Not that important for what we are after right now. Downsides. It’s a bar. Loud, hard to talk. And because I am slightly weird about body odors, standing around in a bar all night, getting sweaty, funky in the wrong places. It may not bother other people, I like to shower before sex. Ya’ll are learning more interesting tidbits about me.

The real downside of a bar meetup is where do you go to fuck? We are trying to get laid tonight, in the next two hours. Where do we go? Hotel? That’s pricey. Maybe someone’s house if you could. Shout out to all the child free couples like us that can host at our own homes. For a bar meetup, have a plan for a second location or you will be driving around for an hour trying to find a hotel and by then the impetus and excitement might wear off, then you decide to just go home, eat cold pizza and go to bed.

A realistic option. Sex clubs. If you want to get laid tonight, sex clubs is your most convenient option. There is usually a bar or nightclub for drinks and getting the blood pumping and then oh look a place to fuck in the back or upstairs. Four people are horny at the same moment, and they can do something about it. Sex clubs.

Events and takeovers and parties. For this depends on the event. I have gone to events that everyone there was looking to fuck. It happens. I have been at other events and never get propositioned. It depends on the vibe, the atmosphere, the people. Lots of variables with this.

To up your chances, couple of things to do. Scope out couples on the guest list if you can so you know who are attracted to, at least based on their pictures, ahead of time. Mingle like a motherfucker. Be prepared to be rejected and more importantly be prepared for someone to yes. Being rejected, that stings. When another person says yes, that’s a rush of adrenaline like none other. Like riding a roller coaster on mushrooms with AC/DC blasting in your ears. The yes is powerful. Gives me the shivers.

Finally cruises and resorts. There might be other places but this is my list. I will say getting laid is absolutely fucking easiest on a cruise or at a resort, if you are not picky. Other people are going to these places to fuck. They want to fuck. Go find them. Double points for these because they are not local.

Realistically, locals might avoid their local sex club or dial down the wild in their town. On a cruise or a resort. No, everyone can go nuts secure in the knowledge that no one knows them. That’s the scale as I see it. Oh but Jason what about this unique odd situation? I don’t know. I don’t know what you do on the weekends.

One more. Playrooms. Dedicated playrooms at events. This is separate category because I went to Naughty in New Orleans two weeks ago. Buy tickets from me. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. Buy tickets from me. Do it. At Naughty there was an entire floor of the hotel converted to playrooms. I did not go up there while the playrooms were active. Couldn’t tell you the dynamics or conversations that were going on up there. I will conjecture based on my knowledge of humanity, there was random hookups and fucking going on. Probably if you stand in the hallway long enough, someone will fuck you. Or maybe not. No firsthand experience here unlike over venues.

We need to ask next what are you looking for? If you figure that out ahead of time with your spouse that is going to save time and time is of the essence here. Obviously, you need a level of physical attraction. Now that level is entirely dependent on how horny you are and how much you want to get laid. If you are open to any body types, that does increase your odds but I have met very few people who are truly open to all the different body types out there.

We probably don’t need an emotional or intellectual connection. I ain’t looking for someone to have a deep conversation about the human condition, conspiracy theories or comic books. Nope. Probably for me, maybe others, less conversation the better. The more we talk the more chance I will stop being attracted to this person.

When looking over a crowd, know what your spouse likes and their type. This will make the hunting easier as you won’t have to constantly check every single prospective couple with your spouse.

What are we looking for? Sex. What kind of sex? What kind of dynamics? How hard is it to find the sex we want tonight?

There is a scale here. On one end of the scale where we measure ease of locating, the first is single men. Single men are a dime a fucking dozen in the lifestyle. There is always a dude wanting to have no strings attached sex with woman. Ya’ll knows this. Single dudes are everywhere and will pounce on all those stupid reddit posts I mentioned earlier. Even if you say in your profile, we don’t do single men, them fuckers will still try to swing poorly.

It is easy to find a single man. It is near damn impossible to find a good one. A good one I would define as experienced with couples, respectful, his dick works, not weird. That’s hard to find.

Couples are harder to find than single dudes. Out of all the couples in the Lifestyle, you have to find another couple who also wants easy sex for the night. Not impossible. Not impossible at all. I know couples. That is their primary style. They like it. I get it. I talked to one of them as I was writing this episode. My buddy brought up good points. Him and his wife, all they want is sex. They don’t want an emotional connection. I can tell you, yes, these couples exist.

You have to find them. If you talk to 30 couples at an event, you might be physically attracted to 5. Of those 5, how many of them will want to have sex with you? Maybe 3. Of those 3, how many are looking for a one-night stand? Maybe 1. It’s a numbers game like everything else in the Lifestyle.

The last type of person who may engage in a one-night stand are unicorns. Rare, glorious unicorns. I have very little experience with finding unicorns interested in having no strings attached sex. I have experience with unicorns but as I am writing and saying all this, well maybe yeah, I do.

Here’s the deal. Unicorns are rare. It is hard to find a bisexual woman who is interested in both partners equally. You can also find the versions that are only interested in the man half or the woman half. This is where generalizations break down because even with single men or couples or unicorns, it’s hard to generalize what’s out there. You could find a unicorn tomorrow who wants a one-night stand. You could spend years looking. It all depends on so many factors and variables that are beyond your control.

There are factors within your control though. Clean yourself up. Remember these other couples are judging you on whether they are physically attracted to you. This is a two way street. There has to be attraction based on how you look, they look. Or we throw all that out the window and go with are they willing? Willing beats pretty in some cases. You will also need to be personable. You have to find the other couple which means talking to other couples.

Should you be direct or coy? Playful or to the point? Can’t answer this. Both ways could work. I am always direct sometimes to my own detriment. You want to be direct enough to establish what you are looking for, allow the other couple to contemplate and answer. You don’t want to end up in a hotel room, that you paid for, with another couple and they seem confused on what’s about to go down. Simple rule for newbies. If a couple wants to go to a private second location, they want to fuck you. Don’t act all surprised. We are adults who have fun by fucking people we meet on the internet. This is part of what we do.

I would caution about using drugs or alcohol for one-night stands. They fuck with your ability to accurately judge attraction. Beer goggles are real. Alcohol can mess with your ability to consent and it may lower inhibitions to a point that you won’t feel good about what happened the next day.

To avoid these bad vibes and bad decisions, your spouse should be your partner in this. If one partner wants a one-night stand and the other one does not. This ain’t happening. No matter how many couples you try to bring to your spouse, no amount of arguing, convincing or pressure will work. Or it should not work because you should not do that to anyone. Be on the same page.

So, both people are on board. We are getting fucked tonight. Hold on. Do you have protection? Dumb question. Of course you do, right? You brought your hoe bag with you? You didn’t just assume that the other couple would have condoms or you would find a condom laying around. Don’t laugh at that last bit. I have noticed everywhere I go there are random condoms laying around. There is a condom fairy out there leaving happy rubber presents everywhere.

The condom fairy is real and I ask you to be realistic too in what you want and looking for. You may strike out hard. Often. But you have to swing. Not every night is going to end in success. If you want this, you have to try. Another pitfall for couples is they want this and they don’t try hard enough. They walk into a room and think we are down to fuck, other people will smell our open lust and naturally gravitate towards us. No, it doesn’t happen like that.

And now to say the asshole part. If you walk into a room with an image of the absolute perfect couple, down to their hair color and genital size, that’s what you are looking for and odds are you will not find it. If you want to fuck a bunch of people, you will need to be open to fucking a bunch of people that may not fit your ideal perfect match. You could wait to find your perfect match. Fair enough. You will be waiting a long time. Going to say willing beats pretty one more time.

Since we are in asshole territory, pulling out my list of jackass things people do when they are looking for a one-night stand. And right there at the top of the list, saying anything to get laid. This has so many permutations. The one that bugs me is pretending that this relationship will last past one night. It won’t. You know that. Don’t fucking act like it will. Don’t exchange information. Don’t make plans for a follow up conversation unless you actually mean it.

If this is one and done in your brain be honest about it. It’s okay to be honest. It is not okay to deceive people to get laid. Public service announcement right there from past shitty experiences.

Onward in the story. We found a couple. Yah fun. Oh wait we need to have an unfun conversation. But Jason that might ruin my horny. I promise your horny will come back after you get the safety discussion out the way. I call this the unfun conversation which should happen with every couple that you are engaging in horizontal cardio. With long-term engagements, you can take your time with this. For this, we are fucking within the next hour, we need to ask questions right now.

What is the other couple’s play style? Does it match yours? I don’t need to know your full fucking history in the lifestyle. I don’t care what you did last week. I am proposing a full swap dynamic. Are you good with that? Yes or no here.

Sex style. Are we doing vanilla basic sex? Any kinks to be aware of? Are you a brat? Do you like oral? Anal? What the fuck are we doing when we get naked? That seems direct. It doesn’t have to be direct. At least give the other couple a rough game plan. What about organic? What the fuck does that even mean? I get couples may be uncomfortable with explaining they really like cock and ball torture. That will never come up organically. I promise. Organic is code phrase for we will do basic sex. That’s my interpretation. Nothing too wild. Nothing too kinky. You want more than that, you’d better say it.

If you thought those conversations were uncomfortable, the big one, testing. Now you could say fuck it and fuck away, roll the dice. Using a condom, it’s all good right. Could be. Could not be. It takes all of one minute to share your test results and ask for the same. One minute could make the difference between let’s do this right now and you know what, no. Side note. If you are due in August for your test, use STDHero.com for easy, at home painless testing. Use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order at stdhero.com. I get it. Testing is not as sexy as asking can I cum in your mouth. I get it. To be safe out there, you should ask.

One other note. Don’t take one for the team on this. Both people in the couple need to be on board and in the moment. Sharing a story from a buddy, he and his wife met a nice couple at a hotel takeover. Talked it up with the couple and made plans to meet them upstairs in their hotel room. On the way up the elevator, they were both quiet. They blamed the silence on nerves. As they walked down the hallway, their hands touched and they stopped. They looked at each other and at the same time asked, are you sure you want to do this?

My buddy’s wife, being the honest and radiant person she is, hesitated and asked him again, if he wanted to do this. Being the amazing husband, he is and in touch with her voice, her mannerisms, detected a thought in her mind. The same thought he shared.

They were both taking one for the team. My friends realized they were just going along with this because they thought the other person really wanted this. Neither one of them were overwhelmingly attracted to the other couple or at least to the point to engage in fuckery this fast after meeting them.

In that hallway, they both realized how much they didn’t want to do this. How much pressure they were putting themselves under because they wanted to make their spouse happy. They turned around and went back to their hotel room. I share that story with you. Don’t ever take one for the team and with one night stands, please be honest about the desires to participate with your spouse.

Finally we can get to the sex. You know how to have sex. I don’t think I need to explain all the intricacies of that. Will it be weird? Yep. Will it be great? Maybe. Will it be terrible? Maybe. This is a roll of the dice. No guarantees it will be a good time or a bad time.

What about after? After a one-night stand, there is an after glow. Lucious, warm, sensation. It is entrancing. I dig it. I remember it. And then you take that after glow and combine it with reclaim sex with your spouse. What. Fireworks. The next day, debrief as always with your spouse. Talk about the night. Talk about what worked, what went good, what did not go so good. Decide if this will be an activity to repeat in the future. No right or wrong way to approach it. If you enjoyed it, do it again. Or you could decide this is not our thing. You never know till you try.

Before I go there is an awkward aspect to one night stands we need to discuss. The intention of a one night stand is to have sex with relative strangers and never see them again. Very easy to understand. But what happens if you do?

Maybe you are on a cruise and the first night, explosive sex with a couple. No intention of ever speaking to them again right. And now you are stuck on a boat with them for five days. Oh this has so many awkward moments and I am here for it. I love awkward moments. I love when there are awkward moments around me and I am a silent observer of them.

I have no good answer for this. Wish I did. It can be a consideration. Applies to any multi day event like a takeover or a resort. The mature and responsible thing is, don’t run and hide. Don’t avoid them. Yes, you may have given them a fake name and they will continue to call you Lisa for the rest of the trip but don’t avoid them. They will notice. They will absolutely fucking notice you duck into a door when you see them coming.

One-night stands. They happen. There are people out there who want to have anonymous sex with you. I find the biggest hurdle is mentality in this. People carry their vanilla morality into the Lifestyle and have trouble dropping it. We enjoy sex over here in all the different formats. Wham Bam Thank you nights are okay. I want that to be the takeaway today. You are okay to do this. No one will judge you or they shouldn’t. No one should judge you for anything you do in the Lifestyle. You are empowered to do this if you want to pursue it. Deceptively simple to pull off. The only person that can complicate this is you. Go get laid.

In other news, my wife and I will be at Splash Houston the first weekend of August 2025. Please come say hi if you see us hanging out at the STDHero booth.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference.  Go to STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% your order.

Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.