STI Testing Trilogy

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we have a heavy conversation.

This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.

Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.

Thank you for tuning in today. Fair warning, this episode and the next one and the one after are going to be heavy. We need to have a conversation. A hard conversation that needs to happen. No scratch that.

As I am writing this, pondering and rambling in my brain faster than my fingers can type. This shouldn’t be heavy. This shouldn’t be somber. Fuck it. This should be a happy topic. There is way too much stigma around STI testing and treating this like a forbidden secret thing, ain’t the solution to fighting against that stigma.

I am getting close to my one-year anniversary for this show and testing has been on my list of episode topics since day 1. I know I need to talk about sexual healthy etiquette and protection and I’m ready. Are you ready? Remember not heavy, happy. I know that I portray the lifestyle as fun and exciting and I encourage people to dive in. I do. I don’t want anyone to get turned off to the LS by the thought of STIs or STI testing.

We need to talk about testing for STIs. This topic is so big and important I decided to devote three whole episodes to it. This episode will be a discussion of an overview of STI testing, why it is important, discussing the social contract we enter into when we in the LS and how to be a good steward of our community through proactive means.

The next episode will be how to have a conversation with others about STI testing, how to share your results and how to ask other couples about their status and how to get tested. What are your options? Finally, the third episode is going to be the honest and real one, we are going to talk about what happens and what should you do personally if are exposed or contract an STI.

There is so much ground to cover, so much to share, one or two episodes are not enough time to talk about this to a level I want. Strap in mother fuckers. An hour and half of me coming into your ear holes.

I ain’t a doctor. I ain’t a trained medical or certified anything. I am a guy hanging out in my studio sharing the good, the bad, the ugly and the weird sides of the wild Lifestyle. I am not the end all or be all authority on testing. I will share my thoughts and opinions, but they are just that. My thoughts and opinions. This is my personal outlook on STI testing. Me. Jason.

I know STIs are terrifying. They are scary, no denying that. If you find yourself so scared of STIs that you can’t even handle the thought or possibility of contracting an infection, you need to educate yourself. Go learn about the STIs that are out there. Knowledge erases fear. You still need respect though.

Look, I ain’t scared of an alligator. I grew up near swamps and lakes. I know what it is, I am educated on the fact that you don’t fuck with those dinosaur looking son of bitches. I am not intentionally going to put myself or anyone else in a situation that an alligator could attack. I respect them. There is a difference. Educate yourself.

I am not going to go through each STI in detail. Not my place. That is a medical professionals place. Plus, you have the internet. Go learn.

You dear listener, need to take the information presented here and I encourage you to listen to other podcasts and other resources. You dear listener have to form your own testing strategy, guidelines and figure out what works best for you and your spouse. You have to do that. This is your personal responsibility to the lifestyle, your marriage and yourself.

There will be people who scoff at this. They may feel that they don’t need to take a test or testing is not necessary. I will talk more about how to deal with them in the next episode. Testing, STI testing, and mitigation are part of the social contract for everyone who wants to enjoy the lifestyle safely.

What am I talking about when I say testing over and over again? Definitions are important. Testing for our purposes in the lifestyle is the act of having an STI test done. It is a shorthand way of saying hey our hobby is fucking people we meet off the internet. Have you and your partner had an STI test or panel recently?

Depending on where you are in the world, this could also be referred to as a Sexual Health Screening or check. Maybe an STI panel or VD screening. No matter where, same concept the world over. No matter where you are on this planet, STIs are the same. Ain’t no difference between Russian Hepatitis and Peruvian Hepatitis. Generally, an STI test will screen for the big five, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV and Hepatitis. Maybe HPV or Trichomoniasis depending on the specific panel or company offering the test.  Slang terms include getting tested, getting checked, status check, clearance.

Before I go too deep on this topic, I may use the term clear or all green to denote a person is negative for STIs. I am not a fan of using the term clean. Because it denotes that someone could be not clean, or they are dirty. I don’t like that. I prefer clear. Or all green as when you look at your results it is all green and no reds.

Testing is a core value of the lifestyle. Being responsible with your partner, your own sexual health, the sexual health of others is one of the core tenants of participating in the lifestyle. I dare say a person is not part of the lifestyle unless they test regularly. If a person is just fucking around and not taking their own sexual health seriously then they are not part of the lifestyle, they are just a random person who enjoys sex.

I get it. Testing is not sexy. It can be uncomfortable to talk about testing with a couple you find supremely attractive and want to fuck. I get it. I can talk about how to handle that conversation in the next episode too. For today, right now, we all, collectively as a community, need to reduce and remove the stigma around STI testing.

Let me come back to the stigma in a minute. I want to clarify a point. I do not want to come across as doom and gloom and I do not want to discourage anyone from taking part in the Lifestyle because of the risk of catching an STI.

Yes, participating in the lifestyle does carry a risk of contracting an STI. This ain’t a popular idea to think about or talk about but damn it we are in this together and you are listening to me and it’s the truth.

Being in the lifestyle, having sex does have risks. No matter how much you mitigate and test and plan, that risk is never zero. To put this in perspective though, everything we do in life has an inherent risk involved. Do you drive a car? Do you drive a 2000-pound metal box powered by mini gasoline explosions at speeds our prehistoric humans ancestors could never achieve? Every time another car passes you on the road, you are three feet from serious injury or death.

Now to mitigate the dangers of driving, you obey the traffic laws. You use your blinker, you pay attention to the road, keep distractions to a minimum, stay off your phone while you are driving. You are actively engaging in behavior to make driving safer. But the risk is never zero. Not to be too morbid, but you know what the hell I am talking about. You can do everything in your power to be safe, does not mean everyone else on the road is doing the same thing.

Same concept with the lifestyle. You ever stopped to think about all the actions you do when you are driving? The only reason they make sense is because everyone else around you abide by the same rules. There is a social contract in place that everyone driving right now agrees to certain rules of the road, usually enforced by law, same concept with the lifestyle. Except our rules are not enforced by law. Our rules are enforced by social standards and community etiquette. Same concept though. There is a social contract in place.

Just like there are jackasses who don’t use their turn signal, there are jackasses in the lifestyle who choose not to test, choose not to use protection. Just like when you are driving, you are paying attention to everyone else on the road to make sure they are following the rules of the road. You are taking personal responsibility for your own actions when you are driving. In the lifestyle, you have to take personal responsibility for your own and your spouses sexual health.

When you are driving, you are paying attention to the cars in front of you, behind you, to the side, the other lanes. Are you paying attention to the trees that zoom past? Or the sky? Or whatever else can fucking distract you? No. Eyes on the road. You are purposefully focusing your attention on what matters to you in that moment.

That act is cutting through the noise. With STIs, there is noise. What I mean by that is there is a lot of misinformation, disinformation, truths, irrelevant facts. You have to cut through the noise, figure out your personal testing standards and routine.

Give you an example. If you have a personal protection plan that says we always use condoms. No negotiation. You meet a couple, and the other husband says that he can’t use condoms. He doesn’t like the way they feel, or he can’t get his dick hard if he is wearing a condom. And his wife is backing him up. And they start pushing on you and your spouse to bend your personal rule to accommodate his inability to get an erection, that is a problem.

A side note right here. If a man says I can’t get hard with a condom on. Walk the fuck away. That dude is most likely bullshitting you. Let’s break this down. His dick does not work if he has a thin layer of latex on his penis? He is unable to achieve an erection because he is slightly uncomfortable. Get the fuck out.

If you are one of those dudes who genuinely has a problem with condoms, you need to fucking practice. I see this with newbies. Guys have not used condoms in years and don’t like them. Shut the fuck up and practice. Buy a box of condoms, put one on and have sex with your wife. No, it is not as much fun as going bareback, but it is safer. Safer for everyone.

The other and more likely scenario is this dude just doesn’t want to use a condom, so he comes up with an excuse. Walk the fuck away. That man is willing to throw out any semblance of safety because he doesn’t like. Insert baby whiny voice right here. I ain’t doing a baby whiny voice. Pretend I did it.

Educating yourself on STIs and protection and mitigation cuts through the noise. And yeah, there are some bullshit ideas out there. Like you can tell if someone has an STD just by looking. If you notice someone has sores and other unpleasantness on their genitals, you probably shouldn’t be that close.

Another one. Oral sex is safe. This is extended to mean that girl on girl action is completely safe. No worries. If a couple only does girl on girl, then yeah, they don’t need to test. It’s only full swap that is dangerous. This is bullshit as well. Ever heard of bacterial vaginosis? It is caused by nasty bacteria taking up residence in a vagina. And it is highly transmittable between vaginas.

Learning about STIs takes away their power to cause fear. Just like me learning alligators can’t get you in the desert. Maybe. Sneaky fucking dinosaur bastards. If you are interested in learning more, I recommend finding resources that are lifestyle friendly. Information about STIs is written from the perspective of stoking fear and shame and perpetuating the narrative that all sex outside marriage is dangerous.

I recommend looking at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. The Red Cross Sexual Health and STI Information. Open, the organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, and the American Sexual Health Association.

We need to learn from sources that understand our concerns as a community versus those that preach a story that is not conducive to the way we live our lives.

Break

Here is a podcast pro tip. When you don’t know how to segue talking points, do a commercial break.

Why am I not talking about specific infections? Why am I not giving everyone specific details and symptoms of various STIs? Cause I am not qualified to share them. I haven’t a fucking clue how chlamydia presents or what syphilis is like? Fuck I can’t even spell chlamydia. Microsoft word is no help. I have butchered this word so bad, my computer can’t even figure out what the fuck I am trying to type. Here’s my take on this. If it don’t look right or smells right or maybe it’s leaking, get tested. Simple.

Guys, you have had your dick your whole life. You know what your dick is supposed to look like. If it doesn’t look like it did a few days ago, red, angry, go to a doctor. If it burns when you pee, you know that it is not normal, and you need to get checked out.

Ladies, all that down there is way more complicated than what men have. Again, same guidance though, if its red, if it itches, if your vagina seems really angry, go to a doctor. Get tested.

Let me answer this question for you. You will ask, should I go to a doctor? Yes. Should I get tested? Yes. Can’t hurt. Worst case, you get tested and you are all clear. Then you have to figure why your pecker is angry but at least you ain’t got an STI. There is no downside to getting tested if you have a concern. To answer your question again, from your friendly neighborhood lifestyle podcast, yes you should get tested.

There is a stigma around testing that is completely unnecessary. I have encountered people who think that only dirty people or super active people should get tested. My favorite excuse I heard from a couple was that since they only play with clean people they don’t need to get tested. Or if you only do soft swap or girl on girl you don’t need to get tested because no one has ever caught an STI from cunnilingus. All bullshit.

The stigma around testing is rooted in a couple of factors. Shame being the biggest. Let me ask this. Do you feel shameful when you catch a cold or the flu? Do you feel shame when you catch a stomach bug? I know people that as soon as they catch a cold, they want to tell everyone so they can get those precious pity points from other people. But STIs are different.

There is a pervasive thought that only dirty or reckless or irresponsible people get STIs. Which is not true. Contracting an STI is not the problem, it is how people react to it. The only solution to combating the stigma around STIs and testing is to normalize the behavior by talking about it. Shame should not stop you or me or anyone from maintaining their sexual health.

Would you be ashamed to go to a doctor for a cold if they had a magic shot that cured it damn near instantly? Would you be ashamed to tell someone you have a cold, knowing that it could only be contagious under very specific circumstances? Would be feel shame for telling someone you can’t hang out with them because you have a cold and don’t want to get them sick?

STIs are out there. We as a community can do something about them. Dropping the shame. Not being afraid to get tested, not being afraid to get treatment, not being afraid to share our test results. Asking to see the test results of others. This is how we will normalize these conversations. Not hiding, not feeling dirty, not being scared of these conversations.

I had a moment recently. My wife and I are in a group chat with two other unbelievably sexy couples. The other two ladies, stunning women. These two ladies make me a gibbering mess. And the guys are good looking too. Sending chat messages back and forth, discussing a possible date and I knew what I needed to do. The conversation was drifting towards fun fuckery, and I needed to say something. My pulse quickened. I was nervous. Really nervous. Which is rare cause I am also the guy who will yell out sit on face as a battle cry at parties.

Summoned my courage and put it out there. I said my wife and I just got tested and we are all clear. I wanted to share that with everyone. It was a long three minutes waiting for another person to respond. Long. Me staring at my phone, waiting. Thoughts running through my head.

Did I ruin the potential engagement? Did I turn them off? Was it too early to say something? Why aren’t they responding? Did they think I was weird? I share this with you, the guy who does a lifestyle podcast, I get nervous discussing this. One of the moments that inspired this episode because looking back on it, why the fuck was I nervous?

This is a perfectly rational thing to ask in the LS. I wasn’t asking for their past three months of play history. I wasn’t asking for butt hole pics. I was sharing our status. I was showing that I am a responsible member of the Lifestyle community by bringing this up. Three long minutes later one of them responded.

One couple got tested the week prior and were all green. The other couple were going in two weeks. Once everyone has their results, we were all still interested and then the conversation flowed into what to do on our date. I was nervous and I realize now that my nerves were unfounded. Misplaced.

Looking back on it, I should not have been nervous, but I was. And I have years of experience at this. For a newbie, when we were new, I know how much consternation bringing up STI status can cause. It can and is stressful. But it shouldn’t be that way.

As a community we need to hold each other to a high standard. You should feel comfortable discussing it. STI testing is a huge part of our social contract with each other. You are fully empowered to bring up your own testing status. That’s the trick. Bring up your own status. Two possible outcomes.

The other couple will then divulge their own status or results, or the other couple will not. If the other couple does not, then you need to ask. Ask directly about testing protocols and ask to see their last results. If the other couple cannot produce them or even worse, get offended in the slightest that you asked, walk away. People should not get offended when you ask them about what safety precautions they take for the sake of their health and marriage.

What are the safety precautions that we can take in the lifestyle to at a minimum reduce our collective risk of contracting or being exposed to an STI? Use condoms. It is such a simple thing. But Jason you may say, I heard that condoms do not protect you from all STIs and what’s the point if everyone is clear. Condoms diminish the pleasure of the moment. See all that. That is the noise I am talking about. That background noise and chitter and chatter of what if’s and alternatives that people will throw out to convince you to change your safety protocols.

Do I know that condoms will protect you 100% of the time? Science says maybe or maybe not. Doesn’t matter. No act outside of abstinence is 100% every time in every situation. Condoms will lower the risk of transmission. How much? Doesn’t matter. Every percentage point of risk mitigation is worth it.

What else can you do? Have a testing schedule. Every two or three months, both partners need to get tested. Both of them. In addition, keep records. Go buy a planner or keep it safe on your phone, record somewhere the couples you are with. Keep track of your fuckery. The reason is, by testing every three months, you have established a break point. You know prior to a certain date you were all clear. If on your next test, you are not clear, you know there is a three month window of people that you need to notify based on the fuckery log book you keep.

Yes, I know some STI’s have a longer incubation period than 90 days. And someone is thinking but what about this, or this, or that? This is a general guideline. You need a simple plan to follow. I am aware that some STIs may have a longer incubation period than 90 days. If this is a concern, then test more frequently.

What about the couples who only play once a year on a cruise or at a resort? Test prior to your trip and test when you get home. But that’s two test within a two or three week period. So. And. You know, going on your trip you are all green and when you get home, wait two weeks and test again. To be on the safe side, take another test 90 days later.

This sure does sound like a lot of testing. It is. To be safe in the Lifestyle we need to test. Regular testing is very important. Testing should be routine practice, not a crisis response. If you are notified that you may have been exposed, then test. If you have a suspicion, then get a test. Asking for test results. Asking the other couple about their testing routine. These steps need to be part of your personal routine.

This sounds like a lot of testing, which can get pricey, and I will talk more about testing costs in the next episode. Couples may choose to save money by alternating tests. The wife takes a test in January, the husband three months later in April, then the wife will take the test again three months after that. Two test for each person per year. Is this effective? Cost wise yes, safety wise I don’t think so. I am not a fan of this method.

This method works for some couples, depending on their activity level. The logic behind this method is, if the husband contracts an STI, the wife will inevitably contract it as well so depending on the overlap of testing, the STI will show up. Logically yes, this makes sense.

In practice, I see issues with this plan. Yes, some STIs are very virulent and will transfer super easily between spouses. Others are not. There could be outside factors like, maybe the husband and wife did not have sex in those three months. You don’t know. You don’t live with them. Theoretically the husband could contract an STI in February, not have sex with his wife for a month, so her test in March or April comes back clear. Then they do have sex, and no one knows about the STI until his next test in the summer.

I know a lot of couples that use this method. If it works for you and you feel safe and your partners feel safe with this approach, I can’t knock it. But there could be a better way. Tests are snap shots. The test you take is a snapshot of your sexual health on that day at that moment. I know someone is pondering while I whisper into their ears, what happens if someone takes a test on Monday, gets the results, then has sex on Saturday and contracts something?

That’s a right bitch ain’t it. That’s why I say it is a snapshot. Yeah, the person getting that test is all clear on Monday and not clear come Sunday. It could happen. It probably does happen. Again, that is where having honest conversations with potential partners comes in. I don’t need to know who you were banging last weekend, giving me an idea of how active you are though, that’s helpful.

That’s where comfort level comes in, asking does this other couple use condoms, are they taking precautions with you, because if they are taking precautions with you, they are probably taking precautions with others.

All that to say, there is no true safety plan for everyone. Everyone has their own risk threshold and what they feel is necessary for them to feel safe enough to enjoy the Lifestyle. And you totally should.

This episode and the next two are not here to dissuade you from enjoying sex. Not here to dissuade you from enjoying sex with others or jumping into an orgy. I want you and everyone to enjoy the lifestyle safely and responsibly.

Yes, there is a risk. That risk is never zero. Do not let the risk scare you away from the Lifestyle. In the media, whenever sex is depicted as fun, what always follows next? The characters who had sex are punished somehow. It is a Hollywood trope that makes the vanilla crowd feel better about their own boring lives. The vanillas can sit back and say, see if we engaged in that behavior we would be punished by the universe somehow. And people may see STIs as a sort of divine punishment.

STIs are not divine punishment. STIs are not an indication that you are a dirty person. STIs should not carry shame and stigma. Most are easily treatable and the ones that are not easily treatable are no longer a death sentence like they were 40 years ago. I don’t want one. I hope I never contract an STI. I hope you don’t either.

I am not going to let my fear stop my enjoyment of the Lifestyle and you shouldn’t either. I do have a respect, just like alligators, it is a healthy respect. It is the kind of respect that I am aware of, I am aware of the risks, and I will do everything in my power to mitigate that risks. Just like when I drive to the gym, I will obey the rules of the road and hope everyone else does. In the Lifestyle, I am going to get testing regularly, inform my potential partners of my status and have an awkward conversation if I need to. The best sexual partners in the Lifestyle are the ones who test regularly. Remember that.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference.

Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.

Episode 50 – The Testing Trilogy Part 2

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about STI testing.

This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.

Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.

Last episode I talked about testing, broad overview. This time around I want to talk about the mechanics of testing, what to do with your results and how to talk to others about their results. Spoiler. It is only awkward if you make it awkward. Double spoiler. I love making conversations awkward.

The mechanics of STI testing. If you are brand spanking new to the Lifestyle, I am willing to bet you have never taken an STI test in your life. I had not. Before we made having sex with people we meet on the internet a hobby, I never took an STI test.

Probably should have. Growing up, I was subjected to the very shitty public education excuse for sex education. Deep south of the United States, very conservative area, it was bad. Not comprehensive and very abstinence focused. The message was all sex until you are married is bad so don’t have sex. Once you are married, sex is only for making babies so don’t enjoy it.

Allow me to paint of picture of my 7th grade experience with sex education. 50 boys seated in a classroom. The girls from my class are in a different room. Yes, we had sex education separately. Don’t want those boys to learn about menstruation.

The day had finally arrived. Sex education. A hush fell over the classroom as we took our seats, fifty boys crammed into a poorly ventilated room, the air thick with the scent of sweat, fear, and whatever atrocities had been left to fester in the school’s aging carpet and teenage boys backpacks. The girls were nowhere to be seen—shuffled away to a separate room, where their own secretive lesson awaited. What were they being told? What horrors were being whispered into their ears? We would never know. They were sworn to silence.

Before we could even learn about reproduction, our parents had to sign away their permission. Those unlucky souls with overprotective parents were exiled to the library, doomed to spend the period in shame, cast out like fragile relics too pure to hear the truth.

The teacher, a woman in her fifties who had long since abandoned the concept of hope, shuffled to the front of the room. She carried herself like a warden overseeing the damned. With a practiced sigh, she switched on the overhead projector. A flickering beam of light illuminated the chalkboard, where two enormous line drawings loomed before us: a grotesquely detailed penis and an equally intimidating vagina. For a moment, we were entranced. Then, the nervous giggles began to bubble up.

CRACK! A wooden pointer snapped against the image of the penis. We flinched.

"Alright," she droned, "shout out all the names you boys know for this." It was an invitation to chaos. Tally whacker! Chicken! Monkey! Pecker! We bellowed each name with the reckless abandon of youth, each one filthier than the last. Dick. Cock. One-eyed monster. Our teacher did not react. She simply turned and pointed at the vagina.

"Now this one." There was a hesitation. Then, a few timid voices. Pussy. Love tunnel. But our list was shorter, so much shorter than the penis list. Even in our ignorance, we understood that men’s anatomy was talked about freely, but women’s? That was something else. Something more secret. More forbidden.

The laughter ended when the next slide appeared. It was a shift so jarring, so viscerally horrifying, that even the most defiant among us fell silent. I cannot describe what I saw. It was something diseased. Something monstrous. The image was so grotesque, so unnatural, that it burned itself into my memory like a brand. Syphilis? Gonorrhea? It didn’t matter. It was flesh corrupted, decay made visible. And the teacher had dozens more.

One by one, she flipped through them, each more grotesque than the last. Festering sores. Rotted tissue. A face, twisted in agony, disfigured beyond recognition. The room was silent. No one breathed. Then came the final image: a gravestone.

Just a cold, gray slab. A name carved into its surface. "This," she intoned, her voice flat, "is what happens when you get HIV." Death. That was the lesson. Not disease. Not treatment. Just death. A brief aside: HIV and AIDS are not the death sentence they once were. There is treatment now. But thirty years ago, our teacher presented it as a grim inevitability.

The final part of the lesson was the ritual of fear. Sex equals suffering. Premarital sex? Guaranteed infection. Condoms? Pointless. Kissing? Dangerous. The moment you veered from the righteous path of marital purity, you were doomed.

By the end, our rowdy group of adolescent boys had been broken. There were no more jokes. No more laughter. We sat in silence, pale and hollow-eyed, as if we had stared into the abyss and seen our own doom reflected back at us. When the bell rang, we drifted out of the classroom, changed. The girls emerged from their lesson, just as quiet, just as disturbed. Something had been done to us.

Boys whispered that girls carried diseases. Girls hesitated to brush against the boys’ shoulders. The divide had been set, a chasm carved deep into our adolescent minds. Sex wasn’t a natural act. It was a curse. A sickness. A punishment waiting to happen. This was what we were taught. And looking back, now that I have the clarity of adulthood, I can only think: How deeply, profoundly fucked up that was.

We were taught by the adults in our lives that STIs cannot be treated. If you catch an STI it is a death sentence. Which is complete bullshit. I couldn’t tell you if anyone shared the actual symptoms or treatments of STIs to me growing up. For instance, no one mentioned that syphilis, the really bad effects of syphilis, take years to manifest. Or Gonorrhea 

On the spectrum of treatable STIs, again not a fucking doctor but I will conjecture that Gonorrhea, being a bacterial infection, is fairly easily to treat. Not pleasant at all. There is dripping and discharges. Super unpleasant to deal with but easy to treat. Two rounds of antibiotics, maybe a shot and boom, it’s all gone.

Did they tell us that? Did anyone tell us that a lot of these STIs are treatable? Fuck no. I grew up in the time when HIV/AIDS was a death sentence. Now, HIV is treatable. Can’t cure it but there are treatments, and it is not a death sentence like it was 30 years ago.

There were no discussions on how STIs are transmitted. How and what to do if you are exposed or contract something. There were huge gaps in our knowledge on safe sex. The only message I got growing up was that all sex is bad, there is no safe way to have sex, and you are a bad person if you have sex.

When I went to college, I thankfully had shaken off all this fear based education. I was busy. I was busy in a primal way. I should have gotten tested. By the time I got to college, STI testing was more available, but not normalized. Getting testing was a secret shame you hide from people. No one asked about testing, no one talked about STIs for fear that if you talk about them, then they will show up like a demented boogeyman.

Then I started dating my wife and we were monogamous for 20 years. STIs never crossed our radars. Until we got into the lifestyle. And when we started, we fucked up. We did not take a test when we started. We took our first test a few months in.

I was so nervous for that first test. I didn’t think I had anything, no physical reason to worry but I still worried the first time we got our test results. All clear. Despite taking a lot of STI tests over the years, I still get nervous when I open those results.

I am going to share what I can about STI testing. Keep in mind I am not a doctor, this is my dumb unmedical, uneducated experience with testing. Yes, there may be variations out there on this procedure. I will cover what I can as clearly as I can.

An STI panel, depending on what you are being tested for, usually an STI panel will cover what’s called the Big 5. Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, HIV, Syphilis, and the other one may be Hepatitis or HPV or Trichomoniasis. Depending on the test provider, the exact combination of what you are screened for may vary. I recommend getting a full panel, that’s like 10 things, at least once a year.

The test consists of a blood test, urine test and maybe a swap. Blood test, which is done either through a finger stick for an at home test, though STD Hero is offering something really cool as an alternative I will talk about later. If you go to a lab or your doctor’s office, it will be a proper blood draw.

You will need to do a urine test. Some testing providers may ask if you provide your urine sample first thing in the morning, so first pee of the day goes in the cup. The next piece could be a swab. A cotton swab of the penis hole or the vagina or maybe the throat. No, I am not going into which component of your specimens is for which STI. Blood and pee. Maybe a swab of some other fluid from your body. All those go into a magic machine that scans and analyzes them.

None of these I find very invasive. If you are the kind of person who is squeamish around blood and find the idea of making a finger stick at home, I get it. Go to a lab where a professional can do it. Again, I am not a medical professional. Consult with a doctor, do the right thing.

Speaking of doctor’s, should you tell your doctor that you are in the lifestyle and engage in sex outside your marriage? Yes. Simple answer. Yes. Two people to always be honest with in the lifestyle, your spouse and your doctor.

That’s hard. I acknowledge it. I had to tell my doctor I wanted some Viagra. He asked if I had issues with getting hard, I said no but I don’t want to be the only guy at the orgy without an erection. He gave me a puzzled look. I responded, yep orgies. He said okay. Made a note on my chart and that was it.

I have it on good authority from doctors I know and have asked about this. Doctors don’t give two shits what you do in your free time.  Doctors need to know what you do in your free time so they can provide you the correct and adequate care. And you telling a doctor that you are a swinger, I promise is the least shocking thing they will hear all day. They may see 10 patients a day and 9 of them are going to have problems or issues that completely outshine your honesty.

Taking a step back, maybe you are vanilla friends with your doctor, and you are concerned that your honesty could impact your vanilla friendship with this person. There are other options to get tested. That should not stop you from getting tested. Oh no my doctor might find out and then tell everyone in town. Okay. Do an at home test and the doctor friend won’t know.

Where do we go to get tested? How do we do this? Three options, maybe more. First option is your doctor’s office. You tell the doctor, they order the test. They may do the specimen collection at their office or could send you to a secondary lab for collection. They may call you with the results or the results could be available through an online portal.

Next option, go directly to the lab. A lot of labs will allow you to purchase your own STI panel online, you go to the lab for specimen collection, and you get the results.

Third option is an at home test. This is my preference, for availability and ease. Where we live the closest lab to collect a specimen is half an hour away which means taking off work, driving over there, sitting, waiting, specimen collection, driving home. And that doesn’t count I either have to call my primary care physician to order the test or go through a website and buy it myself.

At home is the easiest for us. May not be for you. I get it. You might live above a lab and your doctor is your neighbor. My point is that availability is no excuse to not being tested. Cost though. Cost could be a barrier to getting tested. My thoughts on that later.

Listeners may have noted I started running a commercial for STD Hero recently. They are partners of this show, and I like this company. I am never sure how much weight my recommendations carry.

I wanted an STD testing partner for the show. STI testing and sexual wellness are very important topics for me. Like I said in the other episode, testing has been on my list of potential topics since I started this podcast, I feel I am now ready to sufficiently tackle this topic. Thinking about doing an episode on testing, I wanted a partner to recommend.

I didn’t want to go through this long rant and ramble about oh go get tested and then not be able to point you in a direction. Yes, your doctor is a perfectly good way to get tested. Yes, you can go to a lab. For those that can’t swing those options, at home testing is available. I know it is available because I know STD Hero offers an at home option.

STD Hero. What do they do and why did I partner with them? STD Hero offers multiple tests including a dedicated Oral HPV test. Do you know about Oral HPV? It’s real and a concern. I don’t want to go way out into the weeds on the different STIs out there and their implications and symptoms and treatments. Not for me. Oral HPV, that one is wild when you go learn about it.

STD Hero sent me their STD Advanced test. This cost 139 US dollars. Which is very comparable to other STI tests that you may pay for out of pocket. You can get 10% off your order with promo code TOL10. Please use my code. It helps out the show.

This ain’t about the money though. I want people to get tested. I want people to be educated about testing. Still use my code, I would appreciate it.

The STD Advanced test I received will check for chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis, all three of those words, yeah, they gave me fits trying to spell correctly and that’s while I am looking at them on the bag that the test comes in. The test also checks for HIV and Syphilis. The tests are available on their website and at Wal-Mart if you are in the states.

They also have the STD Common test for 69 dollars which is chlamydia, Gonorrhea and trichomoniasis or Trick for shorthand. In addition, there is an HPV test, the oral HPV test I mentioned and a Herpes test.

What comes in the test kit? This is where it gets fun. Remember how I said all these STI tests require blood and urine. Let’s collect some. Urine collection is easy, pee in the cup, put the pee in the cup. The blood collection though. To STD Hero’s credit they have a really cool device for that.

Other at home test my wife and I have taken use a finger stick. You prick your finger with a needle, I don’t know what the technical name for the sharp metal stabbing me is called. Then you squeeze the every loving shit out of your finger, trying to fill a tiny vial with your blood. It could take two minutes, it could take ten. Always leaves me with bruised fingertips.

STD Hero uses a different approach. They use a Tasso device. I got this explanation from the internet:

The Tasso+ is a single-use blood collection device designed to facilitate at-home blood sampling without the need for needles or finger pricks. Users can easily attach the device to their upper arm, where it collects a small amount of capillary blood, typically within about five minutes. This method aims to enhance patient comfort and convenience, making it particularly beneficial for those with needle phobia or challenging venous access.

It's a plastic device, you peel the backing off and place it on your upper arm. Little pin prick then it sucks out your blood like a vampire.

I like this device. No more sore fingers. It’s a win. Again, their website is STDhero.com. Use my promo code pretty please, TOL10 for 10% off your order. When you have finished collecting your samples, you put them all in a pre-paid envelope and mail it back. Results are sent back to you via email and a web portal around 72 hours later.

But Jason, what if I am not in the United States? What if I am in another country? Well, thank you for listening and I am willing to bet you probably have similar options in your own country. You probably have an easier time getting these tests depending on where you on the planet cause some countries have free medical care which sounds sweet. I know there are local options for you, no matter where you are. May take a little research. I promise it is worth it.

Worth it. There’s a keyword. The worth of these tests and spinning back to when I mentioned cost. The cost of testing can be a barrier. Being in the lifestyle can be nearly free. You don’t to pay for an adult dating site. You don’t have to spend money on parties or outfits. You don’t have to spend money on cruises or resorts. You can be a swinger on the cheap if you really want to.

The one cost you need to account for and budget for though is testing. Depending on how active you and your spouse are, I recommend testing every three months. That means 8 tests a year. 8 times $139 is $1,112 dollars, not including tax and random fees. See you, I did the math for you. I used a calculator because fuck my fourth grade teacher, I always got a calculator on me now bitch.

A thousand bucks a year is a lot of dollars. I know why couples may choose to do alternating tests to save money. I get it. You cannot put a cost on your sexual health. You cannot put a cost on your piece of mind. We have a risky hobby. The cost of entry and continuing to enjoy this hobby is testing.

Is there a way to decrease the cost at all? Eh, maybe. If you are in the States, your health insurance may cover for free STI testing. Maybe. Another option is free clinics that you could have in your area. Doesn’t fucking matter where you get the test done as long as it gets done. If you are lucky enough to live in a country with free medical care, I have no idea how that works over there.

However you get your results, you need to be able to share them with people. Not like email them over. Most companies, hospitals, doctors offices have an online portal that allows you to pull up your results and show people. I recommend taking screenshots of your results and keep that on your phone too. That way if you are in a place without great internet, you still have your results in your hand.

Random question, do you need to put your results on your profile? No. I don’t think so. It should be sufficient to say maybe in your profile text that test results are available upon request.

Another random question that crossed my mind. What about instant result tests? The options I talked about, the sample gets sent to a lab for testing and a couple of days later you get results. Yes, instant result STI test do exists. They are pricey. If you want peace of mind immediately, you can get it if you can find one of these test. Make sure whatever test you get is FDA approved or approved by your respective medical authority in whatever country you are listening to me right now.

What about when should you get tested? Should we test before and after every encounter?  Should we test after every encounter? Should we test immediately after every encounter? Okay breaking this down.

You test as often as you feel comfortable and can afford. Can you afford to test before and after every encounter? Rock on. Testing after every encounter could be pricey depending on how active you are.

Going to the internet and science to hopefully help on this. To paraphrase, the Centers for Disease Control in the US provide guidelines for sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing based on individual risk factors and behaviors. While there are no specific recommendations exclusively for individuals in the swinging lifestyle, the CDC advises that those with multiple or anonymous sexual partners undergo STI screening more frequently. Specifically, the CDC recommends testing every 3 to 6 months for individuals at increased risk, which includes those with multiple sexual partners.

So, I am sticking with my quarterly testing recommendation. You do you. You test as often as you feel needed with the minimum being every three months.

One more random question. Do you need to test more frequently if you are more active? I don’t know. It all depends on how you define active. If you are fucking the same couple every weekend with the occasional new couple once or twice a quarter, I don’t think that is very active. If you go on a cruise once a year, fuck one couple and be done until next year, I don’t think that is very active.

If you are engaging in 10 person orgies every weekend with 10 different people every time, I would say you are lucky. Yeah, you should get tested more frequently. If for nothing else, to help protect those other people you are active with.

Poorly planned segue. How to talk to other couples and people about testing? You did your tests, you have your results, how do we find out if the other couple we are interested in has a clear STD panel? What questions do we need to ask? What do we need to know?

How do you even bring this topic up? In the vanilla world, asking about someone’s health can be a touchy subject. When do you bring up this subject? Do you run up to couples and ask about their status before their names? Where in the sequence of events between meeting and fucking does this conversation happen? I rattle off all these questions because I know someone out there with ADHD is thinking of all these questions.

For newbies, yes, the conversation about testing will be awkward. It gets better with time. The reason I say it gets better with time is practice and your boundaries get stronger. The first time you ask another couple about testing, you will stumble over the words. You will have no idea how to gracefully compose a well worded inquiry into their status. With practice, you will realize that the question “Hey are Ya’ll tested” is sufficient. Do not over complicate this. You do not have to offer any justification. You don’t have to say well I wanted to check because our sexual health is important and if it is not too much trouble, could we see your test results.  Blah blah blah. No skip all that. Simple question, you tested. The other couple will then answer yes or no.

Talking about testing is a good segue into fuckery. You are asking to see test results because you are physically interested in this other couple. You are expressing your desire without really having to straight out say, I want to fuck you. If another couple asks about your testing status, yeah, they are interested.

If the other couple says yes, we are tested, usually that couple will volunteer to show you, their results. They will pull out their phones, log into an app or online portal and pull them up. If they don’t volunteer to show you, you could say well we are tested as well, let me pull up our results to show you. This may create a sense of obligation for the other couple to show you, their results.

Do they have to show you, their results? No. Let’s get real for a minute. If you ask to see their results and they don’t want to show you or they claim they can’t show you, what are you going to do? You now have to make a decision on whether to proceed with this encounter. And this question and going through this scenario is awkward and it gets more awkward, the less clothing you have on.

It is best practice to ask about testing before you start taking off your clothes. Before your horny brain takes over. Standing in a hotel room with a Viagra powered hard on, butt naked, is not the time to talk about testing results. It is better to clear the air about testing prior to a date. Talking about testing is not sexy and should not be a prelude to fucking. It is a requirement, not something you bring up while you are face deep in a vagina. That’s too late.

Taking a step back in my narrative, you ask the other couple for their results, and they provide them. Show you on their app they are both clear, and they were clear at the time of testing. Take note of how long it has been since their last test. One month, three months, six months.

Realistically, it doesn’t matter how long it has been since someone’s test. A test is just a snapshot of their health at that moment. They could have tested a month ago and then attended nine orgies between then and now.

This takes us into testing and vetting process. You could read a lot into the age of a test or not. That is up to you and your spouse. Decide before you proceed with any couple, what are you and your spouse’s parameters around testing. If someone has a test that is six months old but claims they have not been active, is that sufficient for you and your spouse?

If they tested last week is that sufficient? I don’t want to say good enough in this case because I feel good enough does not have the right connotation. Sexual health should never be put into terms of good enough. Sufficient is the right. Is this other couple giving me sufficient evidence that they are clear, they take sexual health seriously and they will respect my need to maintain our sexual health.

That’s a good takeaway discussion and homework. Ask your spouse about testing and their comfort level. Such an unsexy topic, so does it while they are going down on you. Just bring up STI testing next time your husband goes down on you. Don’t listen to me on that. Do it.

Whatever vetting process and testing parameters you and your spouse come up with, stick to it. Figure out what you need to be comfortable with and stick to it. Other couples, harsh to say but it’s true and it has happened to us, other nefarious couples may not have the same level of respect for sexual health as you do.

They may want you to bend your rules, just for them. Cause they are special right. That dick he is offering you is special, not the same as all the other dicks out there. Better example of this is condoms.

Condoms are a simple and easy and readily available tool to help protect your sexual health. Are condoms fool proof? No. Are condoms 100% effective at stopping the transmission of STIs? No, but they help. I would rather have 90% protection than 0% protection.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but you should always use condoms. Condoms provide protection for you and your spouse. To address some of the myths I have heard about condoms.

Condoms take away the fun, I hear this from men. I can’t feel anything. Bullshit. Condoms have come so far since you used the free ones from the health clinic in college. There are super thin condoms available, and you can feel everything.

I hear this from guys too, I can’t get hard with condoms. As my wife puts it, not my fucking problem. She made sure I added that bit to this script. Not my fucking problem your dick doesn’t work. Guess we aren’t having sex then. That should be every woman’s reaction. If a man claims that he can’t wear a condom, I call bullshit. I have a penis. I can wear a condom without an issue. What the fuck is his malfunction.

I can give a little grace on this. If you are a newbie and you have not used a condom in 20 years, yes it will be a different sensation that I promise you will get acclimated to quickly. Practice. Buy a box of condoms and have sex with your wife. Get used to the sensation.

Where I don’t give grace is men who have been in the lifestyle for years and still claim their pecker doesn’t work with a condom on. No. Dude you have years of experience in this. What is actually happening here is the guy just doesn’t want to wear one and is hoping that the gloriousness of penis is so amazing that the other couple will take one look at it, the other wife’s eyes will glaze over and she will be hypnotized into just on raw dog.

This is bullshit too. If you as a couple have a rule of always condoms, stick to your rule and don’t wiggle because some random dude claims his pecker doesn’t work. I feel strongly about this because I have had to step in and say no. No condom, you are not proceeding with my wife. Which made me the bad guy in the moment because I shut it all down. But walking away from it, experiencing it a couple of times, I am okay with being the bad guy in that situation.

I say always condoms. Yes. Unless you are fluid bonded with another couple. Fluid bonding. Don’t know if I have talked about that before. Fluid bonding means we share fluids, our bodily fluids freely with each other. It’s a fancy and nice term for raw dogging. Not really me being Jason. Really what it means for any couple or group of people or even a monogamous couple. Basically, no prophylaxis like condoms or dental dams.

Fluid bonding is a big fucking deal. To forgo protection, intentionally deciding that yes, we will be fucking these other people without condoms or dental dams that is a big fucking deal. And it’s not just deciding to stop using condoms, it is a conscious mutual agreement between four people, or another person or any combination of people. It is an act that I feel should be reserved for those whom you have a special connection with, not randos you meet at a resort for a one night stand.

To make this work, there have to be clear boundaries, clear communication and clear conditions. Everyone has to understand the implications of this decision. There have to be discussions on what about playing with other couples? If you and another couple forgo condoms, what about using them with other people?

If you and another couple that collectively the four of you will not use condoms, will they use them with other people? Do you trust them to use them with other people? Will this be an exclusive arrangement where everyone forgoes fuckery with other people? Heavy conversations here that need to be respected if you elect to fluid bond with another couple.

To me, condoms are a necessity so to not use condoms is special and should be respected. Unless you have a special arrangement with another couple that you trust wholly and totally yes, always condoms. If you do have one of those special arrangements, those have to be built on total honesty. You have to be honest with the other couple about what you and your wife are doing when they are not around, who you are with, who they are with. The other couple may want you to get tested again before there is more raw dogging.

In the lifestyle, to all the listeners and the community at large, we need to normalize the conversation about testing. I run into members of this world that still carry this internalized shame about testing when you should really shift that shame and put into being proactive about protecting your sexual health. That is more important.

Yeah, I still feel nervous about bringing up testing and I am the guy sitting here telling everyone to talk about it more. I am guilty of it too. I will work on this personally. I need you to work on this too.

How do we normalize this awkward topic? By talking. By talking about. By being open about it and showing our own vulnerability. You go through all this effort to get tested, be proud of showing it off.

As you are crafting your personal sexual health plan, run through these questions with your spouse. What are you going to do when a couple shares their results with you? Share your own? What is the testing frequency that you and your spouse are comfortable with and can afford? What are your rules and boundaries around using protection? Always condoms? Sometimes condoms?

Next episode is going to be the hardest one. What to do when you are exposed or contract an STI.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference.

Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.

Episode 50 – The Testing Trilogy Part 3

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about what to do about STIs.

This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.

Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.

Of the three episodes on testing, this will be the hardest to write. Maybe the hardest to listen to. We came this far and we ain’t done yet. We need to talk about what you do if you are exposed or contract an STI.

I know some people may skip this episode. Please don’t. I know some people may not be willing to face this possibility. Please don’t. I know people may not like what I am about to talk about. That’s okay. You don’t have to like it. I still want you to listen.

The other episodes, I talked about why testing is important, how to get tested, what to do with your results and how to create your personal sexual health protection plan. The last piece to this puzzle is what the fuck do you do if you are notified that you may have been exposed or test positive for an STI.

People, in general, always with broad generalizations, don’t like to think about this possibility. I have met people who refuse to get tested, come up with a book of excuses on why they can’t get tested just to avoid or hide or dismiss this possibility.

This is wrong. I said it. Fight me. People are scared to get tested because ignorance is bliss. If I don’t know if I have an STI, then I don’t have an STI sort of thing. Yes, people like this exist in the lifestyle and the vanilla world.

There are people who refuse to go to the doctor with the misguided mentality that if they go to the doctor, then the doctor will find something wrong with them that requires treatment and if they didn’t go to the doctor then they are fine.

We are fighting the ugly twins of ignorance and denial. And they are ugly. They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Then got kicked by donkeys.

Let’s set the stage. You and your spouse have been in the lifestyle for six months. Six incredible, exhilarating months. It all started in a hot tub with a close friend, one innocent touch, a lingering glance, a moment that cracked open a door neither of you had realized was waiting to be opened. Sure, you had fantasies, but you were always hesitant to share them. Maybe your spouse mentioned the topic one night while you were watching TV. What followed was a whirlwind of exploration, self-discovery, and sensual delights.

At the start, after that first encounter, you remember sitting with your spouse, wine glasses in hand, having the talk, the one about STIs that I encourage everyone to have. Your knowledge of STIs came from really bad sex education in school, maybe a few public service announcements. A couple of advertisements for medications. In your vanilla life you never had are reason to learn.

You reassure each other you are doing everything right. Whatever the fuck that means. You use condoms and you don’t kiss, or it was just oral. The best one. They look clean.

You hear that shit all the time. They looked clean. As if you can tell who has an STI just by looking. But back then, it was a fleeting concern, a box to check. The thrill of the lifestyle swallowed any hesitation, any lingering doubts. You were careful, sort of, mostly. Yeah, it was good enough.

Fast forward a few months. You’ve been to parties, dipped your toes into the resort scene, and now, you’re talking about booking a swinger cruise. You feel good, really good, confident, even. This lifestyle has strengthened the bond with your spouse in ways you never imagined. You communicate better. Every day is a new adventure, a new story to share. Your phone buzzes constantly with messages from new couples. You obsessively check the adult social sites.

You fell in with a chat group of hundreds of people a few weeks ago and everyone is so nice and sexy. Being newbies, you two are getting all the attention. Your date two weeks ago was just great. You run the sexy play by play, moment by moment through your head. Close to perfection as you can get.

You and your spouse went on a date with a new couple. You started chatting on Thursday, and by Saturday night, the stars aligned. And you two got lucky. Real lucky. Like hours’ worth of luck. The only screw up, a little screw up really was your spouse forgot the hoe bag. I know I have talked about the hoe bag before. It’s a little makeup bag or pouch with a zipper that you can put all your supplies in. Lube, breath mints, and condoms.

This time you forgot the condoms. No big deal. And the other couple said don’t worry about it.

Looking back, no one asked about testing. No one even mentioned protection. To be fair, that condom rule? You wave it more often than not. It’s a hassle. You trust your gut. You and your spouse don’t have anything, and these couples you meet, they are in your local lifestyle community so that counts for something right. Not random strangers at a resort.

Monday morning. You’re at your desk, sipping coffee, when your phone dings. You flip it over, and a grin tugs at your lips. It’s them. The couple from two weeks ago. Maybe they want to meet up again, relive the heat of Saturday night. You open the message. Your stomach drops.

"Hey, just a heads-up—we tested positive for gonorrhea. You might want to get checked."

The fuck. Your heart pounds, but not in a good way. Your mouth goes dry. You reread the message, hoping you misunderstood, hoping the words will rearrange themselves into something less terrifying.

This. This is the dark side of the lifestyle. The gnarly, slithering beast that lurks beneath the flashing lights and pulsing music, whispering just beneath the surface. The thing you knew was there but never thought would touch you. And now, here it is.

Staring you in the face. Your hand is shaking as you wonder if your spouse got the same message. They did. Because you just got another text. From your spouse. You hesitate to open the message. There is anger in those words. Disbelief. The texts come rapid fire from your spouse. Denial in the next one. More anger. Anger at you for suggesting swinging. Doubt about the validity of the test. Accusations against the other couple.

This is the fucking reality. I cannot say that everyone in the LS will contract an STI or even be exposed to an STI. Some people go for years and catch nothing, others contract an STI on their first experience unfortunately. There is no guarantee that by participating in the LS, you will contract an STI.

But for our story, we need to stare into the face of this monster and be strong. I mentioned in other episodes, I am not going to go in depth on the symptoms and treatments of all the STIs out there. For my purpose, I am going to use Gonorrhea for our story. Each STI is it’s own nasty beast that requires different treatments. Gonorrhea has comparatively easy treatment and generally no long lasting effects.

Back to the story. What are the next steps? I can tell you what the next steps are not. If you are on the receiving end of one of these messages, you will have a lot of emotions. You may be angry and feel that this was done on purpose, I promise it was not. You may feel shame because it happened to you and now you feel dirty. You are not dirty. Your self-worth is not determined by an STI anymore so than your self-worth is determined by catching the flu.

You may be shocked. You will be frozen and unsure of what to do next. That’s okay. You have to process this moment, but you have to move. You must move forward. I know my words may be hollow in the moment and doing no good for your psyche. I get it. But you have to move forward.

There may be denial. Well maybe you didn’t catch anything because you used a condom or you didn’t kiss, or you took a shower after. Going a step further, maybe the test was a false positive, which can happen. Don’t gamble with your sexual health on what ifs and maybes or hoping for a false positive.

The first step when you get that text or told or message, you need to get tested. That is the first step. You process your emotions, and you need to get tested. Do not wait. Do not think I will give this a week and see what happens. The sooner you test the sooner you can begin treatment.

There is a two-week window where some tests for some STIs are not accurate. It’s fucking science. Some STIs have an incubation period, or your body does not produce enough antibodies so show up on a test.

Which means, you test when you are notified, and you test again in two weeks. And then test again a few months later. Yes, you will need multiple tests to put your mind at ease and ensure that you are all clear. Multiple tests, go get the first one.

You can either do an at home test, which could take a few days to get the results. I promise those will be the longest fucking three days of your life. You could go to a healthcare provider and maybe get faster results. Even if you have a home test, you should still go to a healthcare provider for confirmation and treatment. Do not argue with me on that.

If you go with the healthcare provider route, you need to be honest and upfront with the doctor or whoever is administering the test. Tell them that you were exposed to an STI, and you would like to get tested immediately. And know that you will probably have to do a follow up test in two weeks. Follow whatever guidance the doctor gives you, even if it is different than my advice. Follow the doctor’s advice.

In the timeframe of all these tests, between when you get the notification and your test at the two-week mark, abstain from sex. Abstain from sex with your partner. But if we both have the STI, what does it matter? Shut the fuck up random person listening to this and being an asshole. There is a possibility that your spouse does not have the STI. There is a possibility that you do not have an STI, and they do. You don’t want to deal with two infections if you can help it.

And goes without saying, which means I need to say it. No swinging. No fuckery with other people until you get that all clear test and I dare say, I recommend going a step further and waiting until the test at the 90 day mark just to be double sure you are all green. Because some STIs have incubation periods.

You want to know that you are all clear or else you will be the one sending out those messages. Which speaking of that. What the fuck do you do about notifying other people?

You need to notify people. No getting around that. That’s why I recommend writing down the couples you are with, so you have a record in case you are in the unfortunate position of having to send out those messages.

How quickly should you send out the messages? Should you wait until you have a confirmed test results? Well let’s flip this around. If a couple you were with found out that they were exposed, would you want them to tell you as soon as possible? Do unto others and all that.

Yes, you need to tell people. The how of it? Keep it simple. Hello. My wife and I were notified that we were potentially exposed to X. Fill in X with whatever the STI is. That is important. Keep the message short. We were notified of X. We recommend you get tested. That’s it.

But what if they get mad at me? What if they do not respond kindly? Might happen. Shouldn’t happen. Might happen. You did the right thing though. I know I said to notify your partners, what if you can’t?

There in lies the fucking reason I don’t like one-night stands. I don’t like having sex with random people that I will never see again. I don’t like it. Yeah, it sounds fun and sexy and wild, having sex with people you don’t even know their first names but what if and this is one of the few what ifs that I indulge and ascribe to, what if there is an exposure risk? Can’t tell them. They can’t tell you. Then STIs keep spreading around like wildfire.

One of the reasons you want to notify people is containment. STIs can ravage an LS community. We all fuck each other. You want to be part of the solution and help stop the spread. Your message may be enough to stop another couple from accidentally exposing a third couple.

As horrible as this is to say, your message could save a life. Your message could help. There are really bad STIs out there that could be transmitted between spouses, parents to kids, siblings and others. Sending a message, notifying people could save a life.

Gonorrhea it’s a shot and a round of antibiotics. HIV is a lifelong treatment of medication. Not a death sentence but you don’t want someone who doesn’t know to spread anything to anyone.

We looked at what to do if you are notified that you may have been exposed. What about if you do contract an STI? Any of them. Before we get into the process we need to talk about mental health.

Depending on what you contract, it could be a oh shucks this sucks all the way to the other end of the spectrum to depression and existential dread. Big range of emotions and let me tell you, they are all valid. It is easy, very easy to feel overwhelmed but know that STIs are common. It happens. Whether this is a lifelong consideration or maybe two weeks, there will be strong emotions. These emotions may be so strong you are valid in seeking out support or therapy.

Take care of your mental health. Feelings of guilt or shame or frustration are normal. You need to get treatment for your physical body, and you need to get treatment for your mental health. That’s okay.

Surround yourself with supportive people. I would like to believe that people in the lifestyle are enlightened enough or mature enough as a whole to be supportive of those who may be impacted. I can hope for that, but I know it’s not true. People can be really shitty in this world. You may lose connections. You will probably lose those connections that were only interested in sex. Since they can’t have sex with you, they don’t want to bother associating with you.

You may lose connection with people who are afraid. Remember fear is caused by ignorance. Education can go a long way to ease their concerns. Which as I type this out, how fucked up is the human condition? A person who is dealing with an STI has to stop and reassure other people. I don’t get people.

Depending on your social circle, some people may not treat you any differently. They will still welcome you with open arms and call you a friend. That happens too. I hope whoever is dealing with an STI has a supportive circle of friends. The quickest way to find out who is a real friend is to see who runs at the first hint of trouble.

The practical steps here. You need medical treatment. I promise it ain’t going to go away on it’s own. Someone needs to hear this. Do not avoid medical treatment. Do not think an STI will clear up or adopt a wait and see approach. If you have suspicions, get tested. If you have a positive test, get treated. Simple. No arguing.

Follow the guidance of a medical profession. Not a podcaster. Not a random person on TikTok. Not a blog or a forum post. They are not experts. I am not an expert. No magic herb or supplement will clear this up. You need medicine, real medicine.

That part is cut and dry. The nebulous piece is your future in the Lifestyle and how you proceed forward. A person can be a participant in the Lifestyle without having sex. You can still enjoy the spaces and the friendships and connections without fucking. Laying that out there.

If you have a positive test result, you will most likely have to do another test, called a confirmatory test. Same concept as a pregnancy test. A woman might take an at home test, but she needs to go to a doctor to get the confirmation. You will need to understand the STI you have contracted. Symptoms, treatments, contagious, medications and retesting. It is a lot to process, take it one step at a time.

This is a good time to reexamine you and your spouses testing routine and sexual health practices. Was there a breach? Was there a mistake on your part? Was it dumb fucking luck? Evaluate and calibrate your sexual health plan as needed.

Let’s answer the big question I have been dancing around. If you contract an STI, can you still participate in the lifestyle, you know the fuckery part? I can’t answer that. I can’t give a blanket answer of yes or no. I will say you are now obligated to share with potential partners that you are currently under treatment for an STI unless you have a clear retest.

Do you need to share for instance if you caught Gonorrhea last year and you got treatment and you have recent test results showing you are clear? Maybe not. Do you need to share that you have HIV or Herpes? Yes. The difference is one of them can be cured while the others are still with you. Yes, undetectable can mean untransmissible but you have to give your potential partners the knowledge and allow them to make a decision.

By not telling a potential partner you are infringing on their body autonomy. You are making a decision for them that they may not be okay with. Yes, depending on the STI, you need to tell potential partners about it. I know it sucks. Yes, people may decide they do not want to proceed with the fuckery because of your admission. But it is better to be honest. It shows respect on your part. And in the states, it could be illegal, like go to jail sort of thing, if you knowingly have certain STIs, have sex with someone and not disclose it.

Working through different facets of this. What do you do if someone tells you that they have an STI as a prelude to fuckery. In the vetting conversation, it comes up. You need to thank the person for sharing first off. It takes a lot of courage and emotional fortitude to be honest and upfront.

Now there is a decision. To proceed or not to proceed. And I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you that you need to be confident in your decision. If you decide to walk away, that is your choice, and no one can fault you for making an educated adult decision. If you decide to proceed, there is a risk and that risk is not zero and you need to be sure of what you are agreeing to do. Again, an adult mature decision.

Do not make that decision while horny or intoxicated. Please don’t. Make that decision with a clear mind in a not horny state of mind.

You have been with me on this long adventure about testing. We have shared stories and hopefully I have provoked conversations that need to happen. The lifestyle is fun. The lifestyle can bring couples closer. The lifestyle has been a blessing to me, and I hope it is to you as well.

The lifestyle can be risky though. There is the potential for STIs to derail, infect and scare people. We as a community need to take steps to normalize conversations about testing. We need to fight the stigma that the vanilla world has around STIs. This is a community effort.

Speaking of the vanilla perception of swinging. There was a news article which was actually a thinly veiled ad for a swinger cruise I saw a few months ago. The article made the standard pitch about cruises and how wild and spicy they are. You have seen these puff pieces.

What I found fascinating were the comments. Hundreds of comments from vanilla people. Hundreds of comments condemning the lifestyle which is normal. I found really fascinating were the comments about how dirty the cruise must be. One person said they wouldn’t go on this boat unless it was drowned in bleach. Another promised they would never go on a boat if they knew that it was used for a swinger cruise because of the risk of catching something. The cruise line better hose off the deck causes us swinger types we spray bodily fluids everywhere. Filthy animals fucking everywhere on the boat. Lots of people sharing their perception that swingers are walking petri dishes. Which we are not.

Compare that to an incident I saw years ago at Disneyworld. We are standing in line for the small world ride, that super annoying boat ride. The line makes a couple of switchbacks separated by a chain. I watched a child, maybe ten, put his mouth on the chain and walk back and forth sucking on the chain for a good ten to fifteen feet, all the way down the row. That means another child at some point, with sticky disgusting hands touched that chain and left a nice deposit of sugar film from whatever they were eating, that this second child was now harvesting. In a theme park. Off a chain that was probably touched by a thousand people that day.

No one else noticed. The parents didn’t stop him. I stood transfixed. Disgusted. I nudged my wife so someone else could share this sight with me. The parents did nothing, distracted by the chaos that is theme parks. This is now a core memory in my head and why I carry hand sanitizer to theme parks.

Somehow in the vanilla brain, a bunch of adults who wash their hands, use protection, actively avoid trying to make others sick, pretty health-conscious bunch of people, right? Somehow, we are worse than this child sucking sugar off a chain at a theme park.

I tried to find statistics to compare the rates of STIs between lifestyle people and the vanilla people. I couldn’t find a reliable source. Nothing I trusted to share. Hypothesizing would the rate be higher among lifestyle people. Maybe. We do have sex with more people than vanilla people. Do we take appropriate safety measures and practice better protection strategies than vanilla people? I say fuck yes to that. So don’t make me a liar. Use protection. Get tested. Be safe and be responsible with your sexual health.

One more mention of STDhero.com before I go. I like this company, and I support them. I ask that you support them too. Use my promo code TOL10 to get 10% off your order and it helps me out.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference.

Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.