Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about your relationships with other couples in the Lifestyle.
This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.
Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.
She sits across from me in this smoky, dimly lit bar, a gaudy beachside dive bar, on a biting cold Saturday night. Her fingers trace the rim of her glass, slow and deliberate, while beneath the table, my hand draws lazy, invisible shapes on the warm skin of her knee. In this moment, in this space, it’s the only touch we dare share. A secret connection, hidden from prying eyes and unspoken questions.
Our hands are bound by the invisible shackles of discretion, but the heat between us doesn’t fade, it swirls and rises, captured in glances that linger too long, in smiles that speak of things unsaid, in words that promise more than their meaning. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with the smoky air and the ache of wanting her. My eyes lock with hers, and there it is—a spark, a twinkle, a hint of mischief and fire. Hers are the kind of eyes a man could drown in, willingly, eagerly. And I do drown. Our physical escapades leave me breathless and panting often.
She’s bundled in a fur coat against the winter chill, but I know every curve hidden beneath. Her warmth is a summer wind in human form, soft and inviting. That white dress clings to her body, a whisper of the pleasures that lie beneath, and I can’t stop imagining exploring every inch with my mouth, savoring her in ways that defy language. She is a glorious enigma, a puzzle I never want to solve.
Her presence ignites me, that fire starting at the base of my spine and curling up to steal my breath before sliding back down to awaken something primal. She is a rare spark—enthusiasm and stamina wrapped in irresistible grace, a force of nature that leaves me undone. My mind races, grappling with the intensity of my thoughts, the need she awakens in me.
To the world, she wears many faces: employee, mother, sister. But here, with us, she sheds those skins and becomes someone else entirely. My wife and I see her free, free from expectations, from restraint, from the tethers of the vanilla world. Here, she’s a force of pure desire, unrestrained and unapologetic. Her smile tonight is radiant, a promise of pleasure waiting just beyond the veil of this cold, ordinary evening.
I often feel trapped in a cardboard world, holding back the depths of my desires, the sheer power of what I’m capable of giving and taking. But she is my equal, a woman who dives as deeply into passion as I do, who matches my hunger and meets me blow for blow. She is satisfaction and powerful.
When we’re together, her scent lingers on my skin, a mingling of her perfume and the raw, intoxicating fragrance of shared pleasure. She is beauty, even in exhaustion, and her want never wavers. After years of knowing her, she still stirs something deep within me, a desire that doesn’t fade.
But tonight is not for indulgence. Tonight, we sit in the frigid embrace of winter, my wife and her husband at the bar beside us. This is a night for restraint, for feeding the fire of longing that will burn until we all share a hidden moment. A night to remember that even in the cold, the heat between us still burns.
This woman is my friend. Over the years, between the four of us, my wife and her husband, we have shared triumphs and defeats. We have toasted to new year’s and broken beds together. Every time we see them, my wife and I discover new facets and traits and history of their lives. We have laid on a bed, all four of us and talked for hours naked. They are our friends.
I am personally hesitant to say that. Not because of her, I do consider her a friend. And her husband. Fully and completely. No question of that. I am hesitant because to me that word friend is powerful.
For me, I never had a lot of friends growing up. I have no idea what happened to anyone I went to high school with nor college. I have a friend; that sounds so sad, I got one friend. He is like a brother to me, and we have known each other for over 30 years. And he does listen to this podcast. Hey brother!
To me, it is more valuable to collect the most precious of relationships, friendships with care. Friends with the big F. Yes, I am getting to the point of this episode so roll with me.
This episode is about relationships in the Lifestyle. If you are new to all this, I need you to know that not everyone is your friend. Not everyone will be a lifelong bestie. That sounds so harsh but it’s true. There are different types of connections you will make in the lifestyle. Do not invest yourself emotionally into a new relationship with a couple or a person until they have proven to you that a friendship type connection is what they are also looking for. Full stop.
To the experienced listeners, I know y’all are going to back me up on this one. With experience, with interacting with new couples, newbies, Ya’ll will learn that not everyone is on the same page in terms of what they are looking for in the lifestyle. And that’s okay.
Remember this is a hobby. This is a bonus. Your own relationship with your spouse is number 1. And yeah, there is polyamory which is a different type of open marriage I could say. That topic is another episode entirely. You have unlimited capacity to love. That’s true. You have unlimited capacity to make friends. You have to learn the different types of relationships that are possible in the lifestyle as well.
I hear it from newbies. And I will tell you now, the lifestyle can be surprisingly lonely. What? But Jason, you always talk about these create parties and meeting new people and fucking them. How can that possibly be lonely?
It can be lonely because what I see happen and full honesty, happened to me and my wife, people may not reciprocate the type of relationship a couple is looking for. Let me explain the different types of connections as I see it, and this will make more sense. I am going to rank these on a scale of friendship, closeness, that makes sense to me. And none of these are inherently better than others. Get that. It is a spectrum.
However, people want to experience the Lifestyle is completely up to them. And their desires are valid. We need to be aware that not everyone is going to experience the lifestyle or look for the same experiences as other people. And what about a very specific scenario you have in your own head that doesn’t fit neatly into these categories. I don’t know. I don’t know you. We didn’t grow up together.
Yes, there are relationships that fall outside these categories. I would be here all day dissecting and explaining every possible permutation of potential fuckery out there. We ain’t got time for that. I know you are probably listening to this waiting in line to pick up your kids from school or you are on a treadmill, or you are walking around a grocery store with your headphones in. I really hope I called someone out right there and freaked them out. Hey. I can see you.
First level. Uno. One. Associates. These are people you may meet in an elevator, exchange names. You might see them at parties. Maybe have a quick introduction. Are you going to see them at the next party? I don’t know. Will you ever see these people again in your life? Maybe. Maybe not. They might disappear. They might actually be 19th century ghosts who stumbled into a period accurate theme party for the night. These I call associates. I know you exist. Don’t know much else. Probably won’t go out of my way to talk to you again. Step above strangers. I know your name. You know my name.
Second level. Bangables. Don’t question these category names. I use an exhaustive research system to create these categories which included I took a sip of coffee and then made a word. Bangables. These are people that you meet at a party or on a website. There is a physical attraction there. They meet your personal physical preferences. Step up from associates. You learn their names and maybe play style.
These are the couples that you and your spouse talk about on the way home from an event. Or y’all look through their profile online. You are interested but don’t have an opening really to pursue for whatever fucking reason. They are on the radar of potential though.
Third level. One up from Bangables is One Night Stands. Couples you have sex with. Granted, some couples don’t do this. Some couples do. No right or wrong answer. One Night Stands. Ya’ll exchange names. Talk all night or chat a little bit online. Then come together for a night of glorious awkward sex. And then they are gone, and you never hear from or see them again.
This happens at resorts or on cruises. There are couples, their whole operating procedure, they just want to get fucked. Have sex, go back to their lives. Yes, they exist. I have met them. Ain’t my style. I know they exist. They don’t want lasting connections. One night of fun is all they need. They might only engage in the lifestyle once a year, then back to vanilla lives.
For these couples, broad generalization time, they enjoy the act of sex more than the connection aspect. Whatever reason, they are not in this to make lasting besties. They want to get laid. Tonight. Today. Right now. No judgement because this can be fun. A mystery, a shared memory for you and your spouse. That one time you met a couple and 20 minutes later y’all were humping. It’s a good memory.
It is good to know going into an encounter with another couple what they are looking for after. Straight up, some couples have no intention of ever talking to you again. Better to know that before you jump on that pecker because trying to force a relationship with people who ain’t about it, will only end badly.
Next, third level. Temporary connections. Not a one night stand necessarily. Fuck me necessarily is a hard word to spell. This might be a couple you have sex with at least once, then chat a little bit, meet up a second or third time. Or fourth. The number doesn’t really matter, what matters is that it ends.
You could find a couple, y’all get nasty and freaky every weekend for a month. And then it’s done. For whatever reason it is over. Maybe there is an amicable split. Maybe there is ghosting involved. Which is shitty but it happens. Whatever the reason, it ends. You had fun while it lasted, time to move on because they probably already moved on too.
Again, all these ways of doing the LS are valid. I can’t knock anyone. I’m not knocking anyone. Don’t take it like that. The important take away is to establish what a connection with another is and whether or not you and your spouse should invest any emotional currency into it.
Fourth level. Sex friends. These are couples that you have an ongoing relationship with. Ya’ll have sex with them but y’all don’t communicate on a regular basis.
Needs to be a little distinction here. I know couples that we talk maybe once a week, once a month, send a message to check on them. We may only hang out in person once every six months. They are still my friends. Friends being defined in this situation as people I have an ongoing communication and desire to fuck whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Oh yeah, random aside, thought that just hit me as I am writing this. If you know me and you see me in public and you listen to this episode, don’t walk up to me and ask what category you are in. Cause I am going to uno reverse that question right back to you.
Anyway, sex friends. And yeah, this categorization system breaks down right about here. There are people that you will make friends with. People that you enjoy their company and y’all chat and you never have sex with. It happens. Physical attraction is not there. Maybe they don’t align with your play style. That’s okay too.
These connections are more than just two ships passing in the night. You can be friends with people in the Lifestyle and not have sex. I said it. Fight me. Our community, our way of doing this, does not have to be solely dependent upon only sex. We, you, and me can form friendships with people outside of ever seeing them naked. Did you know that? That’s okay.
Granted, some people don’t like this idea. They are only in the Lifestyle to get fucked. That’s okay. You do you boo. For you dear listener what I advise is knowing the difference between people who may only want to get fucked and people who want a deeper connection. Both ways are valid and again not judging. I will touch on the issue here in a minute.
Fifth level. Friends. No quantifier. No adjective attached. They are friends. Here is a test. Extreme example. You get into a car wreck. You can only call people in your Lifestyle section of your life. Who you calling? Yeah, extreme example but think about it if you need to figure out what category to put someone. Don’t put people into categories says the guy who is making up categories.
This is where I make the distinction between people, I would call for a fun night out and who am I calling to help me out in my personal life. As I write this and record it, I realize how shitty I am coming across, but it will make sense in a moment.
For me the difference is, for someone that I will put into that friend with a capital F category, when all breaks loose, when I need emotional support beyond just nudes, when I need someone to help me, who am I going to call.
And you may think, well damn that is a lot to ask of your lifestyle tribe, but is it? Is it possible for us to make real friendships in this? I say it is. Because I have. If you find the idea of making friends with the big F in the lifestyle weird, that’s okay too.
You are totally valid if you want to keep your vanilla life and lifestyle separate. You are totally valid if you aren’t looking for Sunday afternoon in the park kind of friends. This is all based on personal preference and the depth of relationships you are looking for in the lifestyle.
Another way of asking these questions. Do you feel comfortable enough with another couple to say you don’t like something they do in bed? Comfortable enough to offer feedback on sexual techniques?
Or how about the extent of personal details you know about them? I have known people for years in the Lifestyle, no fucking clue what their jobs are. Or their last names. I have had sex with people and never knew their last name. That is not that unusual. People tend to guard their personal vanilla life in the lifestyle. It may only after you have established a long term connection with someone do they start to share personal details.
This may also mean you have staying power in the lifestyle. Being around, being part of the local community shows that you are not going to learn intimate identifiable personal details about people then bail. Longevity helps when making good connections.
And if you are a newbie and you find that people seem standoffish towards you, it ain’t personal. It’s because you are new. People can be guarded in the lifestyle. They may have real shit at stake if their secret life gets found out. It is a defensive mechanism to protect themselves from people spreading their business. In time, with time, and with actions, people will be more open with you. Don’t get butthurt if someone doesn’t want to tell you what they do for living.
Being friends is hard to define. And you might think of people as your friends, and they don’t feel the same. Have you ever heard of the friendship paradox? The friendship paradox is a social phenomenon where most people tend to perceive that their friends have more friends than they do, and that’s true based on how social networks are structured; because you are more likely to be friends with people who have a larger social circle, the average number of friends your friends have will appear higher than your own. Science is weird.
Anyway, friends with the big F. What I see happen, especially to newbies, is they don’t have the experience in the Lifestyle to distinguish between different types of relationships that they may form with other people.
Think about the way we create connections in the Lifestyle versus every other fucking place that humans interact. In school, you were forced every day to go to a place with the same kids over and over again. Even if you have nothing in common with them, you still formed social connections due to proximity and time.
Work is another one. Because you go there every day, naturally you will form connections with your coworkers over time. Maybe friends, or maybe the dreaded work husband or wife. Someone called me their work husband one time and my reaction was what the fuck. I don’t like work, and I certainly don’t want a work wife. I have a wife.
I get it though. It’s an example of people creating deep connections through working together and commiserating their working life.
You as a participant in the Lifestyle or maybe future participant in the Lifestyle need to know that, as much as it sucks to say, not everyone has the potential nor interest to become a friend with the big F. And that’s okay.
I mentioned the Lifestyle can be lonely earlier and I want to share more about that. The lifestyle can be lonely because you may form a lot of connections that are not deep. Or these are connections that you think are deeper and the other side of the equation does not feel that way.
Harsh truth right here. Despite knowing a lot of people and you will meet a lot of people, they may not have the same feelings or outlook or desires in the lifestyle as you. And to flip this around and mix it all up, you may be the kind of couple that only wants one-night stands or temporary connections.
If that is you, I ask that you not lead on other couples into thinking there will be a friendship after the night is over. As horrible as it is to say, couples might talk a good game and say exactly what you want to hear to get you naked. And if friendship is the thing, they might use that. Be honest with what you are looking for and let people make the decision for themselves.
Relationships in the LS are always in flux. They will end and they will begin anew. A connection that died out months ago may flare back to life with a vengeance. A couple that dropped out years ago could suddenly reach out looking for fun. Lifestyle people are a flaky bunch, it’s like herding cats.
We can’t even decide on what bar to meetup at on a Saturday night, we certainly are not good at deciding where relationships should go. The flux, that’s normal. Newbies, learn this. That’s normal.
Do not take it personally. I promise there are 99 reasons a couple may drop out of the lifestyle or break off communication and you probably ain’t one of them. Life happens. The vanilla life will always get in the way and take precedent. The best course of action is to leave the door open. Should they return and want to resume a relationship, you can decide at that moment whether to proceed. Do not grieve for lost connections or people. Do not fret and worry about the why. Do not waste your precious life on what could have been.
People are free to do as they please. We ain’t married to anyone except our spouse. We have to accept the decisions of others to participate in the Lifestyle. Now I say all that knowing full damn well it hurts. It fucking hurts when people you thought of as friends, stop.
It fucking sucks. It is only through experience that you will get better at dealing with the end or loss of a connection. There are people we are friends with in the Lifestyle and I would cry big old man tears if it ended. I would be sad. The comfort, maybe the only comfort is, you experienced it.
You shared with someone else or another couple, happiness, however brief. Be happy it happened not sad it ended kind of thing. Hollow words when it is happening to you though, in the moment. I promise it gets better.
And you still have your anchor, your emotional center, your spouse. You have gotten to go on this adventure together. Don’t look at relationships in the Lifestyle as forever things. I know there are some relationships that I personally want to be forever things, and you probably do too.
You find a really good couple, everyone clicks, sex is great. These are people you want to invest long-term energy into. I say this next part knowing full well I can also be a hypocrite with my own feelings.
Think of the Lifestyle relationships as a mountain. Big tall mountain that you and your spouse are going to climb. Every connection has the potential to bring you to the summit, in this case the summit being a long-term friendship. They all have that potential; you can’t make out where the peak of this mountain is because it is hidden in the clouds. It might be a short mountain that only takes a single date to climb, you get to the top and realize it is shorter than you thought. Or it could take months or years, and you stand on that summit happy to be there.
Sooner or later, you have to come down the mountain though. Is this analogy working? I think it is. You never know where a connection will go unless you are open to climbing that mountain.
What makes for a good long-term friendship in the lifestyle? Is there anything we can do to foster a better relationship with other people? We have to ask first, if these people you want to have a long term friendship with, do they want that? Kind of like anal sex, if someone is not interested, you shouldn’t force it. If people are not reciprocating the same energy you are giving, it ain’t going to work out.
No magical tip here. Just like making friends anywhere else in life, we have the added possibility of getting naked repeatedly.
Shared hobbies, outlook on life, proximity is not that big of deal because digital communication channels exist. Being vulnerable helps. It increases your depth as a person, and it allows people to know they can be vulnerable with you when you expose your own.
With adult friendships, we may not have the benefit of forced interactions like in other times of your life. You will have to work on this. It takes work to make and maintain adult friendships. I dare say it is easier though in the Lifestyle because we at least have one hobby in common as a door to open. And our hobby requires communication, it requires vulnerability on some level.
I also feel it is a numbers game. The more couples you meet and interact with, the greater chance you have of making a friend. You got to swing. You have to put the bat in your hand and swing the bat, hard. You can’t sit back hoping that someone will reach out on one of the adult sites. Be proactive. And yeah, there is the possibility that your overture will not be reciprocated but you tried. Trying is half the battle. Like most things in life, showing up is the other half.
My last piece of advice and maybe the most important, is to hold on loosely. Just like that old rock song. Hold on loosely to the friends you make in the Lifestyle. This is not to knock anyone and I ain’t saying not to invest your emotional currency into any relationship. But understand that people can and will drop in and out of the Lifestyle. This is not most people’s primary identity. Life happens like I always say.
We can’t do anything about what other people do, either good or bad. What we can do is make sure our outlook is healthy; our reactions are healthy, and we understand getting into this that this, you will meet a lot of people. People will throw the word friend around; however, they and you define that. Some people talk a real good game at a party and then you never see them again. It happens. Understand that this happens. It’s not you. It’s not personal. Their personal lives are taking precedent. And that’s okay.
People will come and go. There may be weekends when everyone is busy, you can’t find anyone to hang out with and it hurts. You feel pain because you thought these people were your friends, why don’t they want to hang out with you? What happened? Why aren’t they making you a priority? I get it. Been there myself. I have felt that myself.
What helped me in dealing with pseudo friends or people disappearing or not feeling like anyone wants to hang out with, two things. One my wife. Fuck it no one wants to hang out with us, I am going to hang out with my favorite person in the world and enjoy it. We will finally sit down and do that 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle we have been putting off. The universe is telling you, yes you, that you need to reconnect with your spouse at this moment. Take advantage of that time.
Two, keep swinging. Again, it’s a numbers game. If you only know three couples and they are all busy on the same weekend, meet more couples. Increase your odds that someone somewhere will be available to hang out. Don’t lock yourself into a bubble. Swing that bat, meet new people.
Alright third, because I am bad at counting, and I just thought of another. If there is no party, make a party. You are fully fucking empowered to do your own meetup, party, gathering whatever. This one is risky. If you roll the dice, invite a bunch of people and no one shows up, it sucks. My attitude is I can have fun with two couples or fifty. If you go this route, do not count how many people show up. Put that thought out of your head so that if X number of people show up, then it is successful. I have had house parties where 50 people showed up and the next one 10 showed up. And I had a blast with those 10 people.
We have done meetups where 100 people show up and another time when 7 showed up. And I had fun with those seven. I said earlier this is a numbers game and now I am saying numbers don’t matter. Fuck me I am confusing.
The more people you know, the more likely you are to find friends if that is what you are looking for. The more people you know, the more that you can invite to hang out with you. And if you do have a party, be happy for the people that show up, not sad that more didn’t show up.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference.
Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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