Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about lifestyle spaces.
Hey! Happy New Year! Or if you are listening to this in the future, happy whatever day it is. Did you know the joy of New Year, you can feel that anytime? This planet spins around the sun so technically every day is a new year depending on how you count.
Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age. Feel free to send me an email at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Take a look at my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and my list of recommendations at www.benable.com/thatotherlifestyle.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter what your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.
For the past couple of years, my wife and I have a tradition of intentions. Not new year’s resolutions per se, we like to set intentions for the year. A thought or motto to keep in mind throughout the days and months. For instance, one year my wife set her intention as a year of yes.
She decided to spend the year saying yes. Which can be a very powerful word. Trying new things, going to new places, being in new situations. Instead of having a knee jerk reaction to say no which comes on, y’all know what I mean. Super easy to say no to every opportunity that comes along just out of habit. She made a conscious decision to say yes more. And that intention may, a little bit, been a contributing factor to us joining the Lifestyle.
Another year I set the intention to stay disciplined with my workouts. Consistency. I dedicated myself to working out at least 4 times a week. No matter where, if I was physically capable, I found a gym and did a work out. Even if we were on vacation, I did my workouts in crummy hotel gyms. I felt amazing to look back at my exercise logs at the end of the year and know I did that. Just because I could and wanted to.
This year, I am setting my intention as good vibes. That’s a weird one. Nothing easy for me like losing weight or read more books. Yeah, let me pick an intention that is going to require daily constant struggle to keep the existential dread at bay. Screw you dark thoughts, you have to fight through my shield of good vibes.
I have learned and seen in practice, we are the energy we put out in the universe. And the world needs more good vibes. Especially right now in January. Stupid cold months that never ends. The world needs more joy and people who bring joy to others. Supporting others. Being kind to others. Make peace with others. Accept people for who and where they are in their personal journey.
I often wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. It’s not insomnia. I can sleep when I want to, or I am tired. I can crash out for 12 hours or oh have one of those amazing naps on a Sunday afternoon where you wake and don’t know where you are. Time has lost all meaning, and you stumble around groggy for an hour. Those are the best.
No, I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m excited. It’s part of my good vibes intention for the year, waking up ready to embrace the day, so eager that even sleep feels like a delay. In those quiet hours, when the world is wrapped in the deepest dark, there’s a kind of peace that feels electric, like the air itself is humming with potential.
Even when it’s so cold that my Viking blood whispers, "Hibernate, you fool!" I can feel it, a vibration, alive and tangible. It’s the promise of a new day, waiting just beyond the horizon, and I can’t help but want to jump in and keep the story going.
I woke up at 1am and started thinking about writing this episode and I got excited. I was so excited I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was so excited for the first Tuesday of the year, I wanted to watch the sunrise and be thankful. So excited I wanted to get started on my to-do list for the day, defiant of the cold, beneath the stars.
The thought that got my ass out of my warm bed was how bad I am at planning these episode topics. Part of me says Jason, yes Other Jason, because there are two Jason’s in my brain. One of them responsible and the other is the source of all those intrusive thoughts like what would happen if interrupted a serious meeting at work with a soliloquy about my cats or if I texted that hot couple. Always text the hot couple, even if you think they won’t respond. Shoot your shot.
Responsible Jason says, hey you need to plan out your topics and episodes better. I have consulted the vast knowledge of the internet to learn the successful shows plan out their episodes weeks or months in advance. They carefully craft social media campaigns around each episode. Their auditory ramblings, crafted with the utmost care for viral-ability and click bait-y-ness. New word.
I have seen the calendars and production schedules other podcasts use and yeah, I don’t have it in me. Maybe one day. If y’all suddenly notice the production value on this show jump, just know I have a social media manager who is making do shit and keeping me honest.
I don’t do that. I haven’t done that. Over Christmas I had an idea for an episode, I wrote a little bit about it, thought about it and completely changed my plan because of New Year’s Eve night. That episode idea is going on my big list of future topics, filed away for days when I know writer’s block will strike. I am ready for that rat bastard.
I threw away my original concept because meh fuck it. I can do that. I would rather share an inspired monologue, share a great story and possibly contribute to the Lifestyle community as a whole as the moment hits me.
This past year I have heard and been a part of incredible stories and experiences. I have been fortunate to hear and be a part of other people’s stories. Triumph, sadness, loneliness, exhilaration, compersion. I have been lucky to pull into my orbit amazing people who do amazing things in an unamazing world. And I need to give it back. I need to balance the universe.
And my own way, to do that is to put out good vibes. Be supportive of others. Celebrate others. Let people know they are worthy of celebration. Share what I need to share. Carry nothing with me. If I am always speaking my own truth fully then there are no regrets or baggage to bring with me into next year. People need to know that they matter to you.
If someone is negative to you, then return their negativity with positivity. Say thank you for their time and attention and move on with you life. You are not responsible to carry anyone else’s negativity. All you can do is bring positive energy with you.
This long worded preamble that you have been so kind to stick with me through will segue nicely into my intended topic. Lifestyle Spaces. The goodness of Lifestyle Spaces. The freedom of Lifestyle Spaces. What we as a community need to do to create and protect our lifestyle spaces? Why are Lifestyle Spaces different than vanilla spaces? See if you use a series of questions then that engages the listener.
I spent New Year’s Eve night at the Risque New Year’s Eve party. And if you missed it, you should come to the next one. Cause they are awesome. Like I said earlier, I had a plan for an episode this week and I got completely derailed because more people need to know about Lifestyle Spaces and what they offer.
I spent New Year’s Eve with a group of wonderful people. At midnight I kissed my wife then joined in a frenzy of hugs and kisses and well wishes from wonderful people. I have an annual tradition now where I grab one specific friend, lift her up and parade her around the dance floor.
Before we joined the LS, my wife and I spent many years sitting on the couch for NYE, watching the ball or crawfish or oyster or other cultural icon drop. Fireworks go off and we went to bed. Some years didn’t even make it to midnight.
Since we joined the LS, it has been different. We have had a place to go for NYE. We have had a welcoming place full of warm happy people versus standing in a park with shivering strangers.
There was an undeniable electricity in the air at Risqué on New Year’s Eve, a palpable buzz that rippled through the crowd as midnight approached. When the clock hit 12, the room erupted—a roar of excitement that felt like the walls themselves were cheering. DJ FABZ was at the helm, counting down from the booth with that DJ swagger, and honestly, now that I think about it, he could’ve totally lied about the time. Thrown us off by a minute or two just for fun. I mean, I wasn’t exactly checking with my watch, I was too lost in the moment.
It was a whirl of sparkling energy, beautiful people, and, let’s be real, an abundance of butts and boobs. Everywhere I turned, there they were, glimmering and glorious, like the universe’s way of saying, “Happy New Year, you awesome heathens!”
Lifestyle spaces have an energy you can feel. Not just on New Year’s Eve but any of the parties we go to, be it in hotel ballroom or a club or a house party. There is a crescendo to the night. It starts with a soft melody, as everyone mingles and mixes. The conversation is dull din in the background. Then as people become more comfortable in themselves and with each other the instruments change.
The brass section begins to play as clothes slip off. Percussion starts to the beat of laughter. The wind instruments play a flirting tune. There is a building, anticipation. The overture of the concert slides in at the right moment, with each lustful glance or joyful smile.
Finally when the whole orchestra reaches a fevered pitch, the cannon shoots, cymbals clang, tubas tuba, doves fly out, cakes fall from the ceiling, the audience breaks out into a line dance, I fully admit I have not attended many orchestra concerts in my lifetime but I can guess what happens.
My buddy Peter talks about lifestyle spaces in his book, The Gentlemen’s Almanac, which is available on Amazon. It is great to read distilling 30 years of flirting and being in the Lifestyle in one book. He introduced me to this concept of Lifestyle Spaces. Spaces where women can be free, people can be free sexually, body positive, good vibes. And I have ran with that concept because I have seen it in action. Risque events create these special Lifestyle Spaces where LS people can have fun without worry about judgement from vanilla people.
These are not Eyes Wide Shut style orgies where people wear masks and robes with complete anonymity. Those are bullshit. And these ain’t key parties because they are not real.
For those who may not have experienced an LS space. Picture a nightclub. Music, sexy people. Animal energy in the air. Now think about the last time you went to a nightclub. You may have been on edge. I know I am. I can’t relax fully in a vanilla nightclub. Those environments put me on edge.
Maybe a creepy guy got a little too handsy, or you have to worry about your drink all night. Or you don’t want to leave your wife alone. Or maybe the people were not very friendly, everyone caught in their own story.
In an LS space, throw out most of that bullshit. People are friendly, possibly because they want to have sex with you, or more likely they are less guarded and willing to engage in a conversation with a stranger. I dare say LS spaces are safer than vanilla spaces because we look out for each other. If a guy or women to be fair here, gets a little too aggressive, we tend to correct each other’s behavior.
The space is safer because security is a lot higher. Vanilla nightclub, anyone with 30 dollars or 100, the internet tells me nightclubs are expensive in big cities, anyone with money can get in. For LS spaces or clubs, there is a vetting process.
For the event organizers or club owners, they have a vested interest in making sure whoever they let into their establishment, is not going to be a problem in attitude or physically. For those who go to these spaces, we all know each other and if a couple shows up that we don’t know, we are friendly enough to go welcome them into the space.
That welcoming is a double edge sword. Yes, I am being friendly, I want you to feel welcome, I am also checking you out. I want to get a feeling for what you are doing here, what you are looking for and if you know our unspoken rules of etiquette. Cause if it ain’t me, it will be another person sharing the unspoken rules of etiquette, in a spoken manner, so you know how to behave.
That’s another cool aspect of LS spaces. We have etiquette that people follow. Yes, I give grace to brand new couples who may not know, but someone is going to educate you. Someone is going to explain consent, no touching without asking, which is not a tenant you will find in vanilla spaces.
Someone is going to explain as they bring you into the group, gathering, tribe. We are going to welcome you into our space as an equal because everyone is equal here. No amount of money or bragging will grant you a higher status among the pack because we don’t have a status. This ain’t high school or it shouldn’t be.
With that thought, who is welcome in Lifestyle spaces? I talk to vanilla friends, I tell them about our wild escapades and I see a glimmer of want in their eyes. A faint hint of wanting to join in. I know I have vanilla listeners who listen to my stories every week and wonder. They wonder if people who don’t fuck outside their marriage are welcome in these spaces?
The answer is yes you are welcome. The lifestyle should not be based on whether or not you are willing to get naked and bang your wet genitals with another person. The lifestyle should be built on body positivity, sexual openness and acknowledging our rules of etiquette. No where in that list does it say anything about having or must have or required sex.
It is a culture shock to go from vanilla spaces to Lifestyle spaces. For my wife and I, our first event was intimidating as hell. We didn’t know what to expect. We went into it with our vanilla goggles on. The best example, when was the last time you started talking to a stranger in an elevator?
Vanilla world, everyone stands stone silently and still, watching the numbers tick by, trying not to touch other people. In Lifestyle spaces, elevators are always full of conversation. You will find yourself talking to strangers. I have met many people in elevators. Made friends in elevators. If there is one difference I can point to, it’s the elevator analogy.
Vanilla people hear this and are aghast to even consider talking to a random person in an elevator. That’s why LS spaces are different. An openness and willingness to meet people.
Tell you a stupid story. I had a guy come up to me at a party and say hi. I said hi back. He looked at me and asked if I remembered him. I had to admit no. He said we met in an elevator at a hotel takeover. I nodded. I knew this would happen and I was ready. I asked what time roughly we met. He responded it was around midnight. I then had to admit, while it was nice to meet them, I had no memory of the conversation, due to inebriation.
People may see this as bad. How dare I not remember him? Nope, look at the positive. I get to meet him and his wife all over again. Yah, second first impressions. Find the positive wherever you can.
Lifestyle spaces are important. Important to us as lifestyle people and important to the whole ecosystem of the lifestyle. Once you have been in a lifestyle space, vanilla spaces lose their lust and alure. At least for me.
There is a distinction between temporary LS spaces and permanent LS spaces. Temporary is like a hotel takeover. The ballroom on Saturday night is a full on rave and by Monday there is a business conference going on. Ponder that for a minute. How many times have you been in a hotel meeting room or convention and 48 hours prior, there were naked women walking around? 1, 7, 12?
I like the idea of temporary spaces. This ethereal, fleeting dream like quality. We descend on these spaces then disappear back to our lives. That a space can transform into something magical then regress to the mundane.
Permanent LS spaces, these are lifestyle or swinger clubs. Most big metropolitan areas have them. They may be in the heart of downtown or they could be out in the country. Usually no signage. Blacked out windows. If you didn’t know any better, they could be any non-descript office building you walk past every day. Or they are in the middle of an industrial park. Hidden away from the general public, tucked on a back street no one ever goes down until the sun sets.
The difference is temporary LS spaces, may pop up every few months while permanent spaces are always there. Another difference to consider. Temporary spaces tend to have stricter rules than permanent spaces.
Think about it. In a temporary LS space in a ballroom of a hotel. Whatever outfits or behavior that happens, has to comply with the rules of the facility, the general public, basic decency. On the trip from the elevator to the ballroom, it is not unusual to have to wear a robe and cover up until you get to the ballroom. More potential to run into vanilla people too.
In a lifestyle club, fuck them rules. Okay obey the rules of the establishment but fuck them general societal norms. Want to run around in Lingerie all night? Do it. Want to find a room with a sexy couple? Do it.
What other kinds of LS spaces exist outside the bounds of the vanilla world? A very popular option is a Lifestyle or adults only cruise. The biggest difference between an LS cruise and a vanilla cruise for me, no kids. The cruise is not solely focused on entertaining children. It’s an adult playground. Nudity is allowed.
We talked about clubs and temporary venues. Resorts. Again, same as a cruise. You are spending all this money to go on a nice vacation like a resort, go to an adults only resort. The space allows people to turn off parent mode and enjoy themselves again.
Really any space can become a LS space if the right factors are in play. I mentioned security. That’s a big one. The crowd, especially women, have to feel comfortable and safe with the people in the room. That is done through again vetting people.
For men, our role in these lifestyle spaces, is to protect the space for women. We are not here to force ourselves onto anyone or try to get laid. We need to be protectors. Even if it is at a vanilla bar, the men circle up or perch up in a spot and watch the crowd. Nothing ruins the fun faster than a jackass vanilla drunk guy trying to push himself onto a woman we are with.
Another factor is privacy. We need privacy for LS spaces to form properly. Yes, a vanilla location can work. But we can’t really cut lose without privacy. I have partied with CEO’s and doctors and other people in the vanilla world we could call successful or important, at least by vanilla standards. Lumping in teachers or anyone who has a public facing job in this category.
For them, to truly cut loose, they need privacy. For them, the need for discretion is paramount because of what is at stake for them. No one wants to explain to their boss why they were making out with another woman. No one wants to explain to their board of directors why they were dancing crazy at a rave.
On a macro level, privacy is important for all of us. Even those who are not as considered with discretion, we still need to respect the discretion of others. Having a space that is private, and privacy can mean a lot of different things but at the heart of it, how likely am I to have a vanilla person around us? In visual range. Watching the crazy shit, we get up to.
There are levels to lifestyle spaces. That’s what I am trying to say. Having a house party. It’s in a house. Provided the host are on board, even less rules than a swinger club, it is completely private and there is heavy vetting going on. All the way on the other end of the spectrum, random fucking vanilla bars we huddle up in. No privacy, vanilla crowd and we have to dial the shenanigans way back.
My wife and I went out to a vanilla bar recently. No LS people in there, that I know of. I wasn’t checking for black rings and anklets. Those aren’t real by the way. I watched the flow of people. Everyone huddled together in their respective clusters. No one was mingling. Which is alien to me at this point because in LS spaces, people mingle. People talk to strangers. People say hi to each other.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a very attractive woman sitting at the bar. Dark eyes smoldering, a smirk of contentment on her face as she sipped her expresso martini.
My wife who was oriented differently, leaned in and commented that this woman kept looking at me. That look of a hungry wolf. Those dark eyes that beckoned and wanted. Me, being Jason, I turned around and looked at her with my own lustful eyes. She broke first, with a demure smile. Throughout the night, I would catch her looking at me, each time I locked eyes, her gaze would fall, ushering and beckoning and welcoming me.
Did I go talk to her? No. Maybe it was a beautiful connection forever missed. Maybe it was a moment that could have led to something magical. But I did not. Despite my wife, telling me to go say hi. I refrained. Having a supportive wife y’all, telling me to go introduce myself, that is good stuff.
Why? Because it was not the right space. It was not the right moment. Because I didn’t know what I was walking into, and I don’t want to have the awkward conversation about us having an open marriage and here is what talking to me means. And then defining a bunch of terms quickly in a loud bar. Figured it was better to let it pass. If it is meant to be, then maybe one day I will run into her again in a different setting.
Now if it had been an LS space, the Valkyries themselves could not have stopped me. People may think I lost out by not speaking to her. I don’t see it that way. I get to go home with my wife who is my best friend and love of my life, so I still win. And this ain’t a competition that anyone can win or lose.
That’s the difference for me at least of vanilla to LS spaces. Bravery. Openness. Willingness to put yourself out there.
Shifting to the left or right or just roll with me. We need to talk. We need to talk about y’all behaving in vanilla spaces with an LS crowd. Let me lay out distinctions and definitions to make this conversation easier.
There are vanilla spaces, like bars or any public venue. You spent your life in vanilla spaces. You know how to behave in vanilla spaces because you have done it your whole life.
There are lifestyle spaces, like private venues and events. These are new and exciting depending on your time in the Lifestyle. Spaces where nudity may be allowed. Kissing someone you are not married to is allowed. Touching someone you are not married to is allowed. Heavy flirting.
When we gather in vanilla spaces, there’s often a unique energy created by the presence of so many vibrant, sexy lifestyle people. It’s natural to feel a sense of freedom and excitement in that atmosphere. However, it’s important to remember that we are still guests in these spaces, and those feelings of freedom should be balanced with awareness of the environment.
As tempting as it might be to let loose, vanilla spaces have their own social norms and boundaries. What feels perfectly normal in a lifestyle setting might not translate well outside of it. So, let’s represent the community with grace and respect by keeping our behavior appropriate to the setting.
We are guests in these vanilla spaces. We are passing through. We need to be respectful of the societal norms, however forced upon us they may be, we need to be respectful. Always defer to the discretion of the most discreet people in the group.
And if you are gathered in a vanilla place, have a cover story going into it. I learned this the hard way and talked about it before. Last summer a big group of LS people went to a small town bar and the vanillas started asking questions. Now I recommend everyone have a cover story on why all of you are out in this place. Something innocent, like a local club, Mardi gras krewe, moose lodge. Have a cover in your pocket ready to go. People know when you are stalling for time or get that blank look on your face because you are thinking.
One more quick story. ClubEarlyBird. They are a sponsor of the show, and I put their product through it’s paces. Here to tell you this stuff is good. It is a powder you mix with water that is supposed to wake you up and get you going. I am recommending it as a little pep you might need to party and wake the hell up.
I wanted to put this product to the test. Two tests. Keep me awake when I need it and wake me up when I need it. My happy ass, I am usually in bed early cause I am up at the gym early. For Risque NYE, the party didn’t start until 9pm. I am usually in bed by that time. I didn’t want to drink the hotel room coffee, so I tried ClubEarlyBird instead. Drank it at 8pm before the party started and I can confidently say it keep my ass up. No jitters like with pre-workout. No coffee breath either.
The next morning, after going to bed at 4:30 am, we had to get the hell out of the hotel and get home. My wife and I woke up at 8:00 am. Very small amount of sleep. And we were feeling rough y’all. I lost my voice from yelling and talking. My face was sore from smiling all night. I mixed my ClubEarlyBird, Blue Razz flavor, drank it and about ten minutes later I felt better.
We got home and immediately took a nap. Which I like that too. With coffee, depending on how it affects your body, you are wired and can’t go to sleep. ClubEarlyBird I was able to go to sleep when I wanted to. Another point in their favor.
ClubEarlyBird passed my tests, and I am positive you should add this to your recovery bag and party supplies. Go to clubearlybird.com and use promo code Lifestyle-768 for a 10% discount on your entire order.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for the blog, courses and other fun stuff.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.
Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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