Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we dive into the Lifestyle.
You unlock a door with the key of consent, beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of desire, of trust, of shared connection. You’re moving into a land of open-mindedness and exploration. You’ve just crossed over into the Lifestyle Zone.
Meet Jack and Lisa—a happy swinging couple in pursuit of connection, passion, and adventure. After weeks of exchanging playful messages and excited whispers, they’ve found another couple who seem to check all the boxes. The date is set, the excitement palpable. But tonight, something strange happens. A void opens where communication once thrived. No replies, no texts, no answers. The excitement of the weekend slips through their fingers like sand through an hourglass.
They’ve just entered a realm where intentions vanish into the ether… they’ve been ghosted. Their weekend plans are now echoes in an empty room. This isn’t just any failed rendezvous, this is the moment when fantasy fades, and the reality of the unknown lingers.
Today, we’ll explore the unsettling world of ghosts and flakes in the lifestyle, where anticipation can lead to dead silence, and excitement to disappointment. Buckle in, because this is where things get unpredictable, in the Lifestyle zone.
It’s Halloween around the world. Spooky Season. The time of year when goblins and imps haunt the vanilla world. Screams of candy and costumes fill the air.
Over in the lifestyle world, we love Halloween. We have an annual tradition of women dressing up as sluttier versions of the normal world. Slutty nurse, slutty teacher, slutty rocket scientist. We retreat with our lifestyle shenanigans into the Lifestyle zone, bikinis giving way to leather and lace.
In honor of Halloween, let’s talk about ghosts. Ghosting. Flakes. Flakers. Those people that blow in on a hot summer breeze then disappear without a trace into the cold night.
Oh yeah I am running commercials now. My only vanilla friend texted me after listening to the show last week to tell me quote “Gotta say I wasn’t prepared for the Motor Bunny ad to hit me in the ear hole”. That means it worked!
My show is not family friendly enough to get that sweet Factor or Raid Shadow Legends money. In every negative there is a positive if you look hard enough. The positive thing here is I can do what the hell I want and work with companies that I want to.
I will go find my own brands to partner with. Lifestyle friendly brands, ethically responsible, body safe, fun, new. I will do my very best to make the commercials interesting enough for you to listen to them. I will share the apps, toys, parties, events, takeovers, vacations, machines, causes and whatever else I may stumble across in my travels. If you hear a commercial on this show, go check them out if you want to, I will have anaffiliate section of my website, thatotherlifestyle.com, up soon. No pressure. For me, I have fun making the commercials and letting my creativity flow.
Speaking of my website, would you like a free ebook? I wrote an ebook and I am giving it away. I wrote the Lifestyle Conversation Guide: Take your SHOT. It is a guide with examples, because examples are important, on how to start a conversation with any lifestyle person anywhere.
Using a new spin on the FORD acronym, I came up with the acronym SHOT, style, hobbies, outfit and travel. Four topics guaranteed to start a conversation. Do you ever draw a blank during a conversation then you start thinking that this other person must think you are weird because you are not talking enough then your brain is yelling at you to say something and all you can do is go meow or drop a random fact about trains and then hide in shame? I got you. The book is available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. Sign up for my mailing list and get a free copy.
Other news, the two courses are out there. The Single men’s Guide to the lifestyle and the men’s guide to flirting. I have plans to do more courses in the future too. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com, the second and third banners take you right to them.
Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.
Ghosts. Ghosting. Flakes, Flakers. Flaky Ghosts. Let’s go with that. Flaky ghosts. Ghosts with dandruff. Halloween, ghosts, makes sense in my head. What is ghosting? And by extension what is flaking? What can you do to protect yourself from these malevolent spirits?
Ghosting. Ghosting is when a person in a conversation stops responding, interacting, disappears. They float away like a ghost. Ya’ll know what ghosting is. Suddenly all the communication stops. The other person or couple might even disappear completely from the app y’all were chatting on. They might leave the country and change their names. Whatever method, they are gone. What the fuck?
And you will think what the fuck? What the hell happened? Did we say something? What is the reason? Why? The hell? Sucks even more if you really liked the couple too. Everyone was clicking great, there was physical attraction, complimentary play styles. The fuck happened here. Note that is the same phrase I yell out when I stumble upon the aftermath of an orgy in a hotel room.
I need to make a controversial statement. I feel, in my experience and based on anecdotal evidence from friends, while anyone is capable of ghosting, it appears to be a trait more common in those under 30. I know! I said it. I said the thing we were all thinking. Is it a generational thing? I don’t know. But really anyone can ghost anyone else so don’t take this to be the whole tooth. Ha! Tooth, like vampire. Bad Halloween joke there. Going to be a lot of puns in this episode.
Why do people ghost other people? Usually, without hearing every single instance of ghosting ever, I can say it’s probably not you or your spouse. Most time, it’s not you, it’s them. Could be the other couple got overwhelmed with the Lifestyle and dropped everything. They may get scared off at the thought of meeting in person. Could be the other couple’s vanilla life got in the way of the LS. Could be an internal relationship issue. No one wants to think about swinging when they are having a couple’s fight. Maybe the fight was because of the Lifestyle. Maybe it wasn’t. That is a whole bunch of I don’t knows.
That’s the worst bit about being ghosted. You don’t know. You may never have closure on what happened. You can’t even ask because now you have no way to communicate with the other couple for clarification.
And there is another possibility. Maybe they weren’t that into you. Awkward to think about but yeah that happens. Maybe after chatting with y’all, the other couple wasn’t feeling the spark and instead of spending more time on something they didn’t want to pursue, they stepped away.
Granted it is always best to be honest and upfront but that takes emotional strength. Ghosting is way easier than summoning the testicular fortitude it takes to tell another couple that you aren’t attracted to them. I know it is an icky feeling, but we are adults who use our words.
Speaking from experience, it’s okay to tell another couple you are not physically attracted to them. Every time we have had that super fucking awkward conversation, the other couple was receptive and understanding. I know there is a fear that the other couple will flip out or be confrontational.
Think of it this way. Your body autonomy and your spouse’s body autonomy is more important than whether another couple is happy with you. You should not think ever that you have to go through with an act just to keep peace or make another couple happy, physically. You are not rejecting another couple; you are preserving your body autonomy.
If you get ghosted remember, you could have been dealing with newbies and shit got too real and they got scared. Ha! Scared. Maybe the couple did not have the right dynamic to be in the Lifestyle and realized it mid-conversation. Lots of maybes in this section. Maybe they never had the intention of meeting in the first place and got their treats from just chatting about doing stuff instead of following through. A lot of these reasons, I could dismiss as not necessarily nefarious, just inexperienced.
The real nefarious bastards though, pic collectors. Pic collectors of rat bastards who are only in this to collect nudes and pics. That’s it. They will share some nsfw pics right when the conversation starts to create a subtle obligation in your mind to share your own. And they get the pics and then disappear with your nudes. It fucking happens.
This sounds horrible but it is decent advice. Go into every conversation that starts online with your guard up. If you meet a couple in person then switch to digital conversations, you at least know you are dealing with a real person who does interact in person with people. If you start a conversation online with a brand-new person or couple, never met them in person, yeah be guarded. Be smart.
Don’t go into a conversation assuming they will ghost you but you need to practice good digital hygiene until this other person has proven themselves to you. That means don’t share your vanilla life unless you are comfortable doing so. Don’t share those sexy nudes with strangers. Don’t volunteer butthole pics. You don’t have to share pics if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable.
If the other couple wants a pic as proof of who they are talking to, either send a PG rated pic or offer to do a video call. An offer to do a video call may end the conversation right there which is not a bad thing. If a video call scares them off, ha! Scares. Then they were probably people you shouldn’t be dealing with anyway. Assume everyone on the internet is a stranger until they are not.
Ghosting sucks. Being on the receiving end of ghosting sucks. I will give you that. Emotionally yes it sucks. But with ghosting, what are you really out? A couple of tappy taps on a screen while you are chatting, maybe a time investment while you were watching tv or at work.
I can tell you it is super awkward if you run into a couple that ghosted you at an LS event. You can see them having a mental oh shit moment. If you are thinking about ghosting another couple, remember you may run into them later. The LS is a small community.
There is also a distinction between a conversation ending and ghosting. Sometimes two couples they chat, don’t click and the conversation ends. You aren’t ghosting each other, just not talking anymore. Which is fine too. You will not be attracted to everyone you meet in the LS and the way you figure out that attraction is by connecting. Everyone is still cordial to every each. There was a mutual realization of meh, we don’t want to fuck each other.
The difference is if you wanted to, you could reach back out to the other couple. They don’t disappear completely unlike ghosting.
Flaking. Flaking is a bigger deal to me. Ghosting denotes that we were texting and I never made a physical time commitment into this interaction. Flaking that is a bigger deal for reasons.
Flaking, otherwise known as getting stood up, bailing, ditching, no-showing, means that you have plans with another couple, and they don’t show up for reasons. The other couple is not following through on the plans y’all made.
Going back to Jack and Lisa from the intro. For the date they had planned, they had to find a babysitter which costs money. Then there is the time commitment of spending time with this other couple. Like hours of time they could be doing fun stuff with other people.
Getting dressed up, which depending on the person could take 30 minutes or 4 hours. Driving over there. Getting excited for action. Monetary, emotional, time investment in this.
Jack and Lisa go to the restaurant, order drinks and wait. Five minutes, no big deal. Then ten, then 30 minutes go by. They text the other couple and they don’t respond. An hour creeps by. Finally the other couple responds and says they can’t make it. Which sucks. Especially because they have been waiting to eat and as someone who eats often and on a schedule, I will turn into a hangry bitch.
Flaking, it happens. We can say that ghosting is mostly all digital interaction, while flaking, that’s physical, out in the real world. In the moment, fuck it, order dinner, enjoy the night out with your spouse. We can figure out how to deal with flakers in a minute.
Why do people flake? Why do they make plans and not show up? Maybe they give you a reason, do not automatically assume it is an excuse. There are valid fucking reasons for people not showing up to a date. I know this. I have seen it.
Kids. Kids will find the absolute worst time to get sick. We were at a party, our good, wonderful friends were there. All of us had been looking forward to this party for months. It was the first big party of the year, had a sexy theme. We all got dressed up.
We had plans, spicy plans for later that night. The party started around 6 and at 8 our friends got a call from their kid. Who was vomiting. Why? Nobody knows. Kids just get sick. It happens. I know the kid was sick because we could hear him swaballing and crying through the phone.
Kids are always more important than whatever LS fun you have planned. Always. I don’t have kids but I get it. Kids come first. Our friends had to leave the party to deal with the sick child. Kids do this. Kids are like werewolves who transformation is triggered by their parents having fun.
Another time, same couple, we were in the middle of trick-or-treating, naked, horizontally. And their kid called. The dog stole the child’s pizza. Apologies, the child facetimed his parents. Video called them. Never saw someone get dressed that fast.
These are isolated incidents. If we were dealing with a couple who’s child gets sick or has issues every time we have plans, habitually, yeah I wouldn’t put that in the flake category, I would put that in this is a lot of headaches and maybe we should move on. Nothing personal against the other couple but it would appear they ain’t in a position to be in this hobby.
Sliding that reason to the side, why do people flake? Nerves are a big reason. The other couple are super nervous and can’t follow through. That reason sucks but we are all humans and deserve a bit of grace.
If leading up to a date with a new couple and nerves are hitting hard, use your words. If you are too nervous to go on this date, say it. Text the people way in advance. The worst part of the flaking is letting other people devote time and money to a date you know you won’t be attending. There is a big difference between canceling with 12 hours notice or cancelling two hours past the time y’all were supposed to meet up. Alleviate that situation by saying you are nervous. Give people plenty of notice if you need to cancel.
Cancelling the night of or after the agreed upon meeting time, that’s the issue. That’s the part that really upsets people. If your nerves are getting the better of you, cancel early.
And by speaking up, saying you are nervous, you are giving the other couple a chance to help. Maybe y’all had conversations you weren’t fully on board with or it could be a simple as level setting expectations.
Expectations trip up a lot of newbies and lead to unnecessary anxiety. Newbies don’t have the vocabulary or the knowledge to have conversations openly about what is expected on a date. As a more experienced couple, step up. Ask what they are looking for. Help them understand the process of setting expectations. There is a big difference between going on a date and meeting at a restaurant as a prelude to trick or treating, naked, horizontally.
Dealing with nerves yourself, just go. Take little steps. Get dressed for the date. Well, you are now dressed, might as well get in the car. Okay you are in the car, you might as well drive towards the place y’all are meeting at. Okay, you get to the parking lot. Well, you came this far, you might as well go inside. Boom, now you are on a date.
Single men. I know ya’ll are listening. Why is it single men, when I talk about flaking on couples, single men always come up? What the hell man? Ya’ll are giving single men a bad reputation. You wonder why couples are apprehensive of dealing with single men? Because single men have the reputation, collectively as a group of being flaky. A couple makes plans to meet at a hotel with a single guy and they don’t show up. This happens so frequently that single men now have this reputation.
When I asked friends about flaking, general hey y’all give me some feedback and thoughts on flaking, boo! Single men. First thing other couples brought up. Horror stories of making a date and the guy never shows up or texts an hour late with a bullshit excuse.
And you counter with, but Jason, I, as a paragon of virtue single man, don’t flake. I never do that. Good for you. Other guys do. And to those that flake I ask what the fuck? There is a woman who wants to have sex with you. Her husband is cool with it. And you don’t show up.
Following my own advice and giving grace here. Maybe these guys are weirded out by the couple. Cool. Don’t make plans. You could be nervous. Okay. You do know what this hobby is all about, right? The fuckery. I know the chatting and getting nudes is fun but that other couple, they are looking for fuckery. If you can’t deliver that, tell them. Tell them you are nervous. Figure out a way to deal with your nerves. Do not deal with your nerves with illicit substances or alcohol.
You got nerves my dude? Use visualization to help. I share this in the single men’s course that’s available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. Visualize yourself going through the situation. Going to the hotel. Meeting the couple. The sex. Run the scenario through your brain a couple of times. This will make you more comfortable with it. The same trick sports guys use for games. Single men. I am hard on ya’ll because I want you to get better and change the reputation of single men being flakes. You do that by following through.
What do we do about ghosting? If the couple completely disappears, not a whole lot. You won’t get closure and maybe never get a reason why. Move on. Best advice I got is move on. Let it go and find a better couple out there for your time and attention.
Ghosts are going to be ghosts and are going to ghosts. We can’t do much about that. When you start talking to a couple you don’t know that they are really a phantasm until they disappear or appear. Until you meet this new couple in person, you don’t know they exist outside the internet.
Maybe a few qualities you could be on the lookout for. This may mean nothing as we are dealing with the lifestyle paranormal world so take this with a grain of salt. If a couple is not very engaging in chat, it could be a sign they will potentially ghosts or they just don’t like chatting.
Another sign of LS poltergeist, they want pics. Like a lot of pics. Probably got a pic collector. Or they have zero online footprint on the social sites. Zero friends, no connections. Even doubly worse if they are from your geographic area and no one in your LS tribe knows who they are. We are a small community. People make connections and can vouch for other couples. If no one has met this couple, might be dealing with specters.
If you are in chat groups with other couples and a new couple shows up, better make sure someone, better still multiple people you trust vouch for that new couple before you reach out or share your spicy pics. In these chat groups, everyone can see your nudes, you are sharing them with everyone, even the new couple that no one knows that could be ghosts lurking in the background with no intention of interacting with the group, just looking at nudes all day. Until I see a face pic and meet you in person, oh no keeping my nipple pics to myself.
You can only do what you can personally do to deal with ghosts. And the best course of action is move on. Don’t chase phantoms. Drop them and move on. If you follow good online hygiene like I talked about earlier, you have a lot less to worry about. This person or couple that disappears are not running off with your nudes or any incriminating texts.
To help avoid ghosts, stick with either validated accounts on the adult social sites like SDC or only start conversations after meeting in person. On SDC couples can validate each other, attesting that this couple is real. The other option is meeting couples through friends or at events. It’s a lot harder to ghosts each other when ya’ll have mutual friends.
Speaking of social media sites, you can get ghosted no matter where you meet people online. There is a much higher chance of it happening on vanilla social media platforms like Reddit or Facebook. With adult sites, there is a paywall to join. With Reddit or Facebook any rando can post anything. No validations, no incentive to not ghosts you. Be careful on those sites.
In your interactions with other couples you want to move towards meeting in person, if the other couple seems hesitant or won’t commit, might be time to move on. I have the three strike rule. We offer to meet three times then move on. If we offer to go on a date with a couple say Friday night and they decline, without offering an alternative, that’s a strike. Two more of those and we close that chapter. It ain’t worth pursuing. This is a hobby and we do this for fun. I ain’t going to spend time chasing anyone.
Putting a disclaimer here. Not everything is ghosting or flaking. As I mentioned earlier life happens. Or it could take months for the stars to finally align for fuckery. It happens. Not that unusual because we are all adults and busy. As long as all parties are still on board, you find the time eventually.
Let’s say you do get that meeting in person and they flake. What do we do about that? Again sometimes there are valid excuses. If the other couple wants it as bad as you do, they will let you know and they will try to reschedule.
Going with the three strike rule on flaking too. We try to meet up again, but if I get a hint that the other couple is not on board or not as forthcoming about being on board. Time to let that go. I am trying to be very balanced between shit happens and real flaking.
Real flaking is rude. It shows a lack of respect for you. Which is indicative of lacking respect in other areas. To do the fuckery with other couples we have to respect them and we have to respect their boundaries. Couples that repeatedly flake on you, I will hypothesize are not very good at respecting boundaries. Boundaries are good, boundaries keep people from trying to sneak thumbs up buttholes after you tell them no butt stuff on the first date.
Somewhere between flaking and ghosting is just lack of interaction. If my wife and I meet a couple and we are excited about meeting, we will let that excitement show. We will want to chat and connect and meet and other things. That is what makes this hobby so much fun. That new relationship energy is a huge high. But if we aren’t feeling that energy being reciprocated from the other couple, this ain’t worth out time.
To balance all this negativity out, I will say have grace. Be patient. Let people go if they need to go. We can’t do anything about other people and what they do. All we can control is how we react.
With that in mind, do not get attached to a couple, as in get giddy and happy about the interaction until you have met or been talking a while. Until you meet these people in person, your only connection is via the internet and texting. Get excited about new relationships but temper your expectations.
When we started, we got ghosted by the very first couple we interacted with. I will say it was because we were not using SDC at the time. We didn’t know about the sites when we started. I think the app we were using, isn’t around anymore. Think Feeld or 3fun for more timely examples. The number of ghosts and flakes and fake accounts on those apps is mind-melting. Again, the barrier to entry is super low so it attracts people who don’t want to invest anything into this hobby. The apps attract the looky loos and less serious people.
First couple we ever talked to, I thought it was going great. We texted collectively for hours for a week. She was the first person to ever ask about my penis size. Damn near gave me a heart attack. That moment was scarier than any horror movie.
Then we asked to meet up in person and poof gone. They deleted their account. Which hurt. It hurts. I know it hurts. You start wondering what the hell did I say or what’s wrong with me.
Major downside of the apps, lack of community. I talked about validations and seeing that people are part of the larger LS community on the social sites, on apps you don’t have that. There is no way to see who they know and are connected with.
With experience, I now know that this happens a lot. New couples join, they dive in a little too deep, shit gets real and they retreat. I hope wherever that couple we talked to is, they found what they were looking for and are happy.
I am happy. I look back on it with positive thoughts, now. Because we learned. We learned not to get invested too quickly. So, the final lesson of ghosts is, learn and keep moving forward in your LS journey.
I need to tell everyone about a new show you need to check out. Paul and Nicky are host of Friends with Pineapples. If you are listening to this on Spotify, look under the more like this tab to find their show. I will also share their links on all my social accounts and in the description for this show. Super nice couple and great information.
Paul and Nicky recently did an episode titled Outed! Navigating Privacy and Disclosure in the Swinger Lifestyle. I listened to it. It was fantastic, I can’t think of anything I need to add to this topic at this time. I had one of those damn it moments. Being outed was one of my original show ideas, months ago when I started. I had it down on big list of show ideas. It was like number 4 on the list. After I listened to their episode, I erased it from the list. I have nothing more to add to this topic. They did it justice and their tips are spot on. Again, Friends with Pineapples. Go take a listen to their show after I wrap up this episode.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for the blog, courses and other fun stuff.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.
Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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