Episode 44 - More Traits women find attractive

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about men.

Last week was Thanksgiving in the USA so I took the week off. Today I am back and ready to deliver as promised part 2 of the traits women find attractive in men in the lifestyle. These may be shocking, titillating or thrilling.

If this is your first time hanging out with me, I thank you. Subscribe to the show, follow, like, drop a review. I am close to hitting 50,000 downloads. Why does every host ask you to do this on every video and podcast? Cause every host, influencer and content creator’s digestive system has evolved so we can only survive on audience engagement. I miss real food, though those reviews y’all are nice enough to share taste like pizza and tequila.

Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age. Feel free to send me an email at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Take a look at my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and you can find me on SDC.com as Thatotherlifestyle.

I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter what your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living.  Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.

Long time listeners know I am always recommending interesting products that I have found to be useful in my wife and I’s lifestyle journey. I like sharing these recommendations with everyone. Not every product or item we use in the Lifestyle revolves around sex. Some of them certainly do but I want to share products that I think genuinely could help you.

To that end, I now have a benable list. Pulling the curtain of podcast production back for a second, finding and managing affiliate links is a royal bitch. My recommendations for products are never determined by whether or not I have an affiliate link. I work backwards. I will find a product, see if there is an affiliate link for it and I will share it with you even if I can’t get one or the company doesn’t offer them.

If I share a product on this show, it means that product, item, sex toy has been assessed by me or someone I know and I genuinely believe in it or believe that it could a benefit for you. And setting up affiliate programs is again a royal bitch having to go to all these individual companies and emails and blah blah blah. Plus who the hell is going to give me an affiliate link for breath mints. Breath mints are great to have in your hoe bag, no one is going to pay me for telling you to buy them.

I found a solution and make a mental note to go look at this. Benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. All the products and services I recommend on the show will be there. Sex toys, all the kit you need for your hoe bag or recovery bag. Furniture. Full disclosure, I get a few dollars off a the recommendations. Some of them I don’t. I still want to recommend them to everyone.

It’s an easy place for you to find everything I mention in my ramblings. If you find an item on my list somewhere cheaper, go buy it. You ain’t hurting my feelings. I see it as a way to organize everything in one place versus me screaming at you buy buy buy. Every product I recommend is useful, safe or effective.

For instance, another influencer is recommending warming massage oil for sexy time. No. That shit is the burning devil. You get that in the wrong place, a place with tender and delicate mucus membranes like a vagina and your fun sexy night just turned into screaming. So yeah, if it is on the benable list, it’s something I, me, Jayson, think could be good and not cause screaming burning vaginal pain.

As promised last week, for the men out there I want to share more traits that women find attractive. But you may ask Jayson where did this list come from? I have sources. I went to the internet for and for the rest I went to women and asked. Wild about that. You can just ask, hey what do you find attractive about men? And they will tell you. And you need to listen.

There is a disconnect between what the media makes men think women want versus what women want. Men tend to see those traits through the lens of physical, tangible, measurable. As in muscles or a snazzy car or dick size.

The reason as I see it is money. The media and the vanilla world want men to feel inadequate in the eyes of women so then men spend money to make up for their inadequacies when really the qualities women want, cannot be bought, cannot be sold but they can be cultivated.

Take for instance Emotional Intelligence. This is a big umbrella term. There are components we can shove into this category. They all play together, spin together, interact though. And women can pick up on a man’s emotional intelligence quick. As soon as you open your mouth they know. Women want men with high emotional intelligence.

What falls under this category? Kindness, empathy, the ability to connect, social awareness. And I am throwing the ability to give pleasure as a bonus under this category. Come on, we need to talk about these.

Women want a kind man. A man who gives other people space to exist. A man who opens doors for everyone. A man who holds the elevator for others. A man who puts the shopping cart back in the stall even if no one is watching. A man that hugs puppies and kittens. Kindness. They want a man that will be nice to them. Not insult them, even in a playful way.

That is called negging by the way. And we don’t do that. Please don’t do that. In my men’s flirting course, I have an eBook on why negging is the absolute worse. It makes you look really bad and very unkind.

I asked a couple of nice ladies, hey ladies what is a quality in men that you find attractive. Dick size didn’t come up. Money didn’t come up. Or hairstyle. Or a six pack. No, the women asked, almost unanimously, want a man they can feel safe with. Considering how many women told me this, this is a big one that y’all need to listen to.

Women want a man they feel safe with. They want a man that is not out to hurt them, physically, emotionally, mentally. Which means, a lot of the manipulation tactics taught by the vanilla pick up artists are not looked upon very favorably in the Lifestyle. But what if you are so good at them that women don’t even notice you are doing them some men may retort. To which I say, fuck you dude. Don’t do that to women or anyone.

In the Lifestyle we don’t have to manipulate anyone. We are adults who can accept a rejection or no.

And it’s weird how often safety came up in the discussions with my lady friends. For me as the husband, I want my wife to be safe with another man as in I trust this man not to hurt or physically assault my wife. I want to know a man will respect my wife. But that’s my male gaze being applied to this.

For women, that safety, feeling safe, gets cranked up to 11. This is one of those times when we as men need to listen to women. We as men need to be the kind of guy that woman feels safe with. Safe does not equate to fuckable or sex in anyway.

You want to be the kind of guy that another man feels safe and okay leaving his wife in your care if he needs to go to the bathroom at a party. You want to be the kind of guy that a woman can feel safe being in a room alone with you. You want to be the kind of guy that women know will not harm them, push himself upon, or be too forward.

I have been rolling around in my head on how to give practical advice on this one and I got a blank. I got a blank because, well this is basic human decency y’all. Respect women, respect all people. Understand that not every women or person will want to have sex with you at all times or ever. Just be a decent good person and this ain’t that hard.

The only little tip I have on this is for dudes to keep your hands to yourself. Unless a woman is completely and totally okay with you, you being grabby and touchy comes across very bad. It ain’t something I do. I have seen guys do it and I can read faces pretty well, don’t think the ladies were digging it.

I know guys, I have seen it in action, which give women the creeps. They touch too much too quickly or come on way too strongly. Don’t do that. Remember in lifestyle spaces, the goal is for women to feel comfortable and safe. Our role as men is to protect those spaces. Not to get laid. Big difference in attitude here. Another piece of advice I can give is to protect our spaces which by extension means protecting the people within those spaces.

In terms of a woman feeling safe with you, it’s all about actions and what you are projecting. Going off on a wild analogy but run with me because y’all tune in for my wild analogies.

Dudes, my dudes, think sheepdog not wolf. And I am not saying women are sheep, no, not that just using these two examples for explanation purposes. A wolf is a predator. A wolf is always hunting. What are you hunting for? In this case, to get laid. A wolf is prowling and cunning and howls in the night. We don’t want that energy.

Every seen a sheep dog just hanging out with the flock? They are nice and kind and cuddle up with the sheep. No threat or malice at all in that dog towards those around it. Just existing and protecting. That is the energy you need. That is the energy that will allow women to feel safe in your presence. Sheepdog, not wolf.

Another component of emotional intelligence is empathy. Let’s define it because I feel a lot gets lost in the modern interpretation of this word. Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Maybe those feelings are happiness, and we share in it as in compersion. Or maybe those feelings involve nudity and trying to start a fire with our genitals. Maybe those feelings involve recognizing someone is uncomfortable in a situation. Maybe those feelings involve recognizing you are making someone uncomfortable in a situation.

Empathy, the ability to read and understand emotions is very attractive to women. And as I type this, I know there may be people out there who have trouble reading the outward emotions of others, you are okay. I promise. I feel this is more about the desire, as I want to understand versus actually understanding. Trying to understand the feelings of others, that’s attractive.

Okay here is a really bad analogy, metaphor, allegory. Fuck me. It’s a story to illustrate my point. Let’s say you are a dude, and you are out at a bar looking for a lady friend for the night. You assume that every woman in that bar is out tonight for the same reason, getting laid. By virtue of the environment you are in, you think everyone is on the same page.

You start talking to a lady and she gives you stilted answers to questions. Maybe she is dismissive. Maybe she takes a few steps back from you to break off a conversation. An empathetic person will recognize the signs she is giving off as she is uncomfortable. A not empathetic person will plow head first into continuing the conversation based on the assumption that she is in this environment ergo, therefore she is looking for sex despite all the signals she is throwing off.

Empathy is recognizing people as people, not non-player characters in your personal story. People are people, they are not just stand ins for better characters. We have been to events where honestly my wife and I felt like NPCs. Standing around in the background while the cool kids huddled together. It’s not a good feeling. It felt like we were just there to fill out the numbers for the event and no one really cared if we were there.

But Jayson, how does one get better at empathy? Don’t judge others, that’s a big one. People don’t want to be judged. We as a society have forgotten that. People don’t want to be judged. No one is asking to be judged by you. I dare say I don’t even think there is such as thing as a judgement kink. And recognize people as people with their own emotions and feelings and thoughts as valid. Recognize that every person is a unique individual and not just a walking Fleshlight or background character in your personal story. No one is allowed or qualified to judge others in the lifestyle based on whatever fucked criteria a person may choose.

That woman who is creeping away from the dude in my story, her feelings of get me away from this guy are valid and he needs to respect it. So yeah, validating and understanding that other people can have emotions and feelings different than you or your expectations. Boom empathy.

One more under the emotional intelligence umbrella, there are others but I have to keep this showing moving along so you will keep listening. The ability to give pleasure. This has a physical part as in, yes, I have the ability to give a woman an orgasm. I won’t say make a woman orgasm. I was told no one makes a woman do anything, you give them orgasms.

This is more metaphysical and woo woo. Hear me out. The ability to give another person pleasure can mean more than physical pleasure. I can have a pleasurable presence around another. My presence is pleasurable to another person, maybe you make them laugh or connect really well, or have great conversation. People will want to gravitate towards you and your energy.

To help with this we need to use the dual swords of non-judgement I referenced earlier and the other sword, vulnerability. Showing your personal vulnerability is positive thing. Being able to laugh at yourself. Being able to share your imperfections and accepting the imperfections of others.

Women find vulnerability attractive. Not in the sobbing crying trauma dumping kind of way guys run, more in the I am not perfect, and I embrace my imperfections and turn them into positives.

Being vulnerable makes you better at giving pleasure to others, makes you more pleasurable to be around. Think of it like puzzle pieces. Everyone has an imperfect shape, and they want that imperfect shape to match up to another person’s imperfect shape. Puzzles would be super fucking easy if all the pieces were squares. But we are human, and we are not perfect squares. We are looking for that another person who ideocracies matches up to our own.

Big deal you have ADHD for instance. Hey look that lady has ADHD too. Now y’all can both talk a mile a minute and understand each other. Or maybe you carry trauma, there are people out there who are receptive and okay with doing what needs to be done for you to be comfortable. Embrace others with the potential to be friends, do not try to impress them into being followers.

Speaking of imperfections, we need to talk about physical attributes. And this will be a wakeup call for men. Women don’t care about penis size. Flat out. There is the harsh real truth. Men care more about their dick size than women do. And for some reason it is always the hyper uber straight guys who are most concerned with dick size. I don’t know if gay men really care that much but yeah in my experience, it’s the really straight guys that really care about dick size.

Here is a chance to embrace a vulnerability my dude. You will not have the biggest dick in a room, maybe not the smallest. Your dick size does not determine your personal attractiveness to women. Much more important is does it work consistently and reliably.

Many women I trust have told me five inches is enough if you know what you are doing. Over seven inches hurts. Less than five, they are still on board if your tongue game is good. And I am going to take women’s opinions on this and so should you.

Want to know what matters more to women, sorry to come across as I am speaking for all women, maybe guys will listen to another guy when they hear this. I need the men to focus on this. Listen close. Going to share something that all women want you to know.

Hygiene. Your hygiene is way more important than your dick size. Are you clean? Do you smell funky? Do you smell like ball sack? Do you shave your balls? This one comes up a lot when I ask so passing it along. Hygiene is more important than dick size.

What does good hygiene mean? I know I need to explain this, shouldn’t have to but I do. Before you go on a date, do a checklist. Did you brush your teeth and floss? Ear hair? Nose hair? Combed your hair?

Did you take a shower? Wearing clean clothes? Deodorant? Did you know there is a difference between antiperspirant and deodorant? They are not the same thing. One makes you smell better, the other keeps you from sweating, which in turn causes you to smell. Women don’t like men that smell like balls or body odor or ass. Huge turn off.

I have been told that there is a difference between a man’s natural smell which we will call by the super sexy term of musk. Versus stinking which we will call body odor. Body Odor can be smelled from across the room and may induce nausea. A natural musk though is pleasant, the smell of your skin. When in doubt, assume you stink though.

Hygiene comes up in discussions with women and on forums online. I constantly see women asking, what do you do about a male partner who may not smell the best? Or is it dirty? Or fucking funky?

Considering how much I have seen this, men, collectively we need to be conscious of our personal hygiene. Here is a wild recommendation. Invest in a bidet. I know my international audience is all on board with bidets, either the fountain kind or the spray kind. There are different kinds. Dudes. Get a bidet.

Bidets do not mean that you are any less of a man. It means that you are clean in the downstairs. I don’t’ want to get into the mechanics of cleaning routines but come on. Water works the best. Water is your friend. Water helps. You can get cheap versions online that clip onto the toilet, takes 4 minutes to install. Once you join the bidet side, you will never go back. Yes it works great on swamp nuts in the summer.

One more note. You are an adult. Axe body spray is not a substitute for a shower, cologne, bathing, and general maintenance of your body. If you are over 18, do not wear axe body spray. Do not wear any product with body spray in the name.               

What physical characteristics do women like? I am putting this caveat on this section right now. Personality goes a long way, much further than your physical appearance. But if you really want to know. I have no idea as I cannot figure out a clear consensus from women. Some like body hair, some do not. Some like facial hair, others do not. Some women like skinny guys, others want a more full-figured guy because they give better hugs.

I have no idea. Which means there is no right or wrong answer. All based on personal preference. I have seen instances where for couples, the dude is skinny and lanky, and the wife prefers chubby guys. It happens. If a lady is looking for variety yeah you got a shot.

Facial hair. Since my beard is very near to my heart and attached to my face, I take good care of it. I use products. Beard oil, conditioners, lotions and face creams. Using products does not detract from your masculinity. Ladies like it. Ladies like a man that takes care of his appearance that includes his skin and beard.

I know there are ladies who don’t like beards, and I am willing to conjecture that they may have had an encounter with a bad beard. A bad beard is coarse and dry and rough. A good beard is soft and fluffy. Big difference. Men, if you have facial hair or want to grow a beard, invest in your grooming products. A beard oil protects the hair from damage and smells good. Beard conditioner makes it soft. If you do grow a beard, get a boar hair brush. No clue what their proper name is. It has short stiff bristles. Comb your beard. The brush will help distribute oil from the base of the hair to the tip which also increases the softness of your facial hair. See I have all kinds of useful information for y’all.

Body hair. Body hair is a divisive trait. Men usually have hair. We have body hair. There is no answer on whether you should have body hair or not. If you feel that you are too hairy, shave it. Try shaving it and see how you feel. There is no method I know of to decrease the amount of hair on your body besides shaving or lasers. I have encountered women who say no hair anywhere below your scalp. Others like a little bit of fluff. Again, personal preference on this one.

The last set of traits I will share, not the last traits though, there are a lot of traits in men that women do and could find attractive. I just realized I am beating this topic into the ground and ready to move on to other ideas. The intangibles.

The intangibles are qualities in men that are hard to define. Either got it or you don’t. Unlike biceps or a kick ass necklace with a shroom on it like we all used to wear in the late 90s even though we had no idea what the hell mushrooms were, the intangibles are personality traits that are not readily visible.

A huge turn on for women, add this to your list if you are following along at home, is a sense of humor. Make a woman laugh and you are in my friend. Having a sense of humor sounds easy, it is easy, in practice men can make this super difficult. Overthinking jokes, what if no one laughs, what if everyone turns and stares at me, what if a mob forms and they chase me through the streets with pitchforks.

 Everyone at some point in their lives have been in a conversation with a group of people and said a joke that fell completely flat. No one laughed. Everyone stared at you like you suddenly grew a second head, and that second head is funnier than you are. Okay, if this happens to you, play it off. Lean into it. Pretend to pull out an imaginary notepad and audibly make a note to never make that joke again.

Humor can be hard. Especially if you have a really dry wit or a dark sense of humor. Or you are from another country and the nuances of humor are always lost in translation.

Give you an example. Kancho. In Japan, it is a common prank, that people think is hilarious. A person will sneak up behind an unsuspecting person, clasp their hands together with the index fingers pointing up and then forcibly poke the person in the asshole. Kancho. It’s a thing kids do in Japan. Would it fly in the West, probably not. But it’s hilarious and an example of the nuances of humor.  

Sarcasm and self-deprecating humor work great in the States. Other parts of the world are not fans. Sarcasm does not translate well. Jokes about bodily functions make people in India super uncomfortable.

I ask everyone to be conscious and considerate of what other cultures may or may not find humorous. No matter where you are though, humor is a form of social bonding, strengthening social cohesion. Our cave people ancestors, I have no idea what the first joke ever spoken was. But those cave people laughed and thousands of years later we laugh. Laughter reduces stress which in a lifestyle environment, reducing stress is a great thing. People are nervous and unsure about making new connections. Tell a joke and potentially make a new friend.

Are you worried that you don’t have a good sense of humor? I can help with that. Go watch comedians. Go watch standup comedians. A bunch of them. All of them. Even the ones you don’t’ like. This is an expert’s class in learning timing and delivery and topics.

When I was a kid, The Comedy Channel, remember that? That’s what Comedy Central was before it was Comedy Central. On Sunday mornings, they would play standup comedians for hours. And I watched them. I learned so much about public speaking and delivery and talking in front of people. Which may helped form my skills as a public speaker. I am available for public speaking engagements and gigs by the way. Email me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Do it now cause I work cheap at the moment.

Anyway, watching comedians helps you learn how to deliver a joke. You don’t have to copy their jokes, but you learn. You get more comfortable attempting humor with strangers. Your wife might think you are hilarious and other people probably do to. You have to get over the mental blocks of being able to tell a joke for others to appreciate your charm.

Sometimes your sense of humor doesn’t click with everyone. You may have a really dry wit or a dark sense of humor. Not everyone’s preference. I get that.

Can’t figure out a good segue for this so here goes anyway. If you find yourself saying often, I was just joking, or you can’t take a joke.  If you find yourself having to apologize or defend your jokes often and sense of humor, you are fucking up my guy. Don’t get pissy about it. Learn. Learn better delivery and context for your next joke.

Wrapping up this discussion right here. I figure this is a good list for you men to get started with and work on. Will I do an episode in the future of traits in women that men find attractive? I probably should just to keep the universe balanced.

My two courses are available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. They make great Christmas presents for any single guys you know and any men that need help flirting. I mentioned benable.com/thatotherlifestyle earlier. Going through my list of cool stuff, a new course is coming later this year, and I am working on a new guidebook. If you are interested in National Lifestyle Weekend tickets, I got those available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com as well.

One final note. Risque Lifestyle Parties. Their next event is New Year’s Eve in Baton Rouge Louisiana. I even made a snazzy commercial for that. The other tidbit I want to share is that Risque is planning a hotel takeover near Destin Florida in September. The last weekend of September. So, pencil that in on your calendar for next year and I will keep everyone up to date on the details.

Want to dip your toes into the lifestyle, go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and you will find a link to join SDC.com where you can connect with me, connect with sexy people and be part of one of the largest Lifestyle communities on the planet.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for the blog, courses and other fun stuff.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.

Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.