Connecting physically quickly

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about connecting physically quickly with another person.

This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.

Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.

Today’s episode as promised last week is about sex. Naughty raunchy glorious passionate sticky sweaty sex. Now I could share a story of how I met a woman and had sex with her three hours later. She had a super interesting tattoo on her inner thigh.  Is that possible? Yep.

Or how I made 4 different women squirt in a 24-hour period with the claw of justice. Or I could share a personal recollection of all the orgies I have hosted or attended with an in-depth play by play of what I did with my dick and the adventures it went on.

I’m not going to. Me personally I find stories of other people’s escapades very not interesting. I don’t care what other people do. I am not the kind of person to go sit in a playroom at a swinger convention, just to watch other people screw around. Not my jam.

And yeah, it’s fun to share wild stories with my friends but for me, I would rather share useful information to everyone rather than random stories and hope you can find a useful bit of knowledge in there.

I want this show to present and share useful, actionable guidance to help people navigate the Lifestyle. There are other shows out there that will share all the intimate details of the hosts or guests’ sexual adventures. You listen to the whole episode and wonder what the fuck am I supposed to take away from this besides a hard-on?

Out of my previous 60 some odd episodes, I have dropped and dispersed pointers on good fucking. How to deliver and how to receive and how to recover. This episode, I want to address a unique lifestyle problem. How to have good sex with a new person?

Here is where my brain is on this and the why. When you meet a new couple or person or group of people for the first time, you engage in naked shenanigans for the first time, you may not know what the other person likes or dislikes or wants or needs. Some women really like clitoral stimulation, others like penetration. Some men can get off from blowjobs, or they may have the endurance of a diesel engine. A new body is a mystery. A fun mystery. A warm mystery. A wet mystery. And you want to deliver the best experience you can. Or at least you should want to.

I know there are people out there who, there only concern is getting their orgasm, and they couldn’t give two shits about yours. Dudes who will pop in 20 seconds then gather their clothes in the most shameful manner possible and leave. Or women who give you zero feedback, so you don’t know if you are rubbing your tongue raw for nothing.

You dear listener, I like to believe you are here, hanging out with me every week because you do legitimately care about the pleasure of your partners, however temporary they may be. And temporary partners, first time partners, people you finger in an elevator on the way down to a party, this is about them. What do we need to look for, listen for, be attentive to, in order to make sure that the woman you are giving the claw of justice to squirts before you hit the first floor.

We need to take a step back and better define what I am talking about. You may be married. You may be married for two decades. I am willing to bet you know what your spouse likes because of time and trial and error. You know the exact spot on their dick that they like to be rubbed or the perfect sequence for a nipple massage to make them happy. You know your spouse’s body. With a new person we don’t have the benefit of time to learn.

Maybe you and your spouse have a friend couple that you fuck around with all the time. Through multiple encounters, over years, you have learned that she really enjoys oral sex in a particular manner. After years of fucking, you know how to make that man squirm. Again, it’s time that is the big factor in learning other people’s bodies.

Time is not on our side with one-night stands or new partners. That is okay. What we lack in time we can make up in communication.  There is nothing weird or strange in asking another person what they like and enjoy. We are adults. You feel comfortable asking about test results prior to playing around, right? Side note STDHero.com, use promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order. This is your weekly reminder to go get tested. Are you due? Go get tested.

We can openly talk about our STI status, which means we can openly talk about and ask questions about a person’s sexual desires and wants and stimulations. While you are riding in the elevator up to a hotel room, quickly check in. Hey, do you like clitoral stimulation? How do you feel about oral sex? Do you prefer softer gentler sex or more aggressive? What are your limits and boundaries? Anything I should not do or anything you do not care for? Easy questions.

Or we try another approach, you could say “I really enjoy when a man moans” That primes that dude to make noise. It lets him or her know that you enjoy the noise and they are welcome. Or you tell them I really like to be on top, or I like this or that position. If you are nervous, the play here is to get your spouse to mention it or drop a hint.

Noises. Going off on a tangent now. It’s weird. Most people are conditioned to not make noise when having sex or engaging in sexual activity. Can’t say all people because I have heard men scream when they cum and yes it freaked me the fuck out the first time it happened, and women unleash guttural growls of pleasure. Or giggles. Giggle orgasms are fucking adorable.

Some people though are stone silent during sex. Staring into the void. Pondering the mysteries of life while being frantically fucked to climax. No judgement on quiet people though. I think it comes from when we are younger. You are trying to rub one out in the middle of the night, quiet and stealthy under the cover of darkness, so no one hears you. That habit of stealthy pleasure sticks around in our brains.

Not for everyone, some people fully embrace grunting and moaning and dirty talking, which I enjoy so much. Terrible at it but I enjoy hearing it. Yes, the man who never shuts up, is bad at talking dirty. I think the harder my dick gets, the less words I know. The blood rushing around my body takes my vocabulary skills with it.

For everyone out there, making noises during sex is good. It is a good thing. It is a thing that we all need to do more of. Men when you are getting a blow job, make a noise. Tell the woman how good it feels. Coming from women, they have told me they like when a man will make sounds, audible sounds of happiness, let’s them know they are doing a good job.

Ladies if a man is going down you, tell him if he is doing a good job. I will settle for a short gasp. His eyes are probably below the horizon at that point, but his ears are available, unless you are the kind of lady that does the thigh headlock. Then that poor bastard is more concerned with breathing than listening.

This can be hard. For the people who are good at expressing themselves, they don’t realize how hard it can be for someone to do this. I empathize and sympathize. Before the Lifestyle, my wife and I did the silent sex often. Another win for the Lifestyle is that we both have found our voices sexually. Be in communicating better or grunting better.

For us lifestyle people, our community, we can take and incorporate lessons, aspects, useful tools from other places into our sexual repertoire. We could all learn from BDSM about consent and safety. For sexual connection, we turn to massage therapy. I know a weird place to go.

When you are getting a massage, you may groan or moan or wince if they use too much pressure. A good massage therapist will listen for, acknowledge and adjust based around the bio feedback you give them. It could be the way you shift under their hands when they are rubbing your back. Or maybe you exhale hard when they find a knot in your muscle. These are all feedback mechanisms that you are consciously or subconsciously giving this total stranger that you are probably paying money too.

So, if you are okay with giving bio feedback in that scenario, why is it so hard to do it during sex? On the other side of the discussion, we as sexual partners need to acknowledge, receive and adjust based on the feedback we are being given.

The act of sex is primal, raw. The greatest expression of humanity that our pitiful earthly shells can muster. Beyond art, music, language, culture, sex has been the driving force of human expression since two cavepeople realized how much fun it is. The rest of the episode is about how to read those words etched upon the warm flesh of another. If there is no words though, if there is no feedback, you can’t find the message. I implore you, if you are on the quiet side of the spectrum here, make noise. I know that can sound intimidating. Do it with your partner first. They will not judge you. They want this too. You are okay and empowered to breathe a little harder when an action is pleasurable. You are empowered to say “right there or don’t stop, or I like that.” You are okay with doing this.

The person who is giving you pleasure, needs this feedback to do the absolute best they can. And I want to help people learn how to read the feedback they are getting, meet me halfway here and give feedback.

Asking about what a person likes and dislikes, which could dovetail very nicely into a consent discussion. Instead of outright asking do you like oral sex it could be what kind of oral sex do you prefer? And they can respond with this type or that type, or I really don’t like that and prefer something else. Easy way to establish boundaries here. The conversations around consent, can feel intimidating but they are much easier if you approach them with the attitude of, I want to provide the most pleasure possible to this person. I need to know what they enjoy and what they are wanting.

Speaking of massage and the reason this episode popped into my head. Connecting with another person physically. I really enjoy giving massages. It is this intimate act of power and skin and pleasure. Past few months, maybe I have a new kink developing. Really enjoying giving a woman a massage. Full body, from her feet to her scalp.

My wife really likes massages. During Covid, y’all remember that time in our lives where everything stopped and we all still think it’s only 2022. During Covid, she could not get massages, so I went out and learned. I got the text books and watched videos. I am not a professional, but I dove into this new skill. Got the table and the oils. I love giving my wife a massage.

Recently we had a friend come over and she was complaining her back hurt. On a whim, I said let me feel and rub it. She said yes and I went to work. I am so used to rubbing my wife, I know every inch of her body. This new body, intimately massaging and touching, seeking and searching on her back, was amazing. Feeling her breathing under my hands and listening for the feedback, remember I only ever really massaged my wife. Even in the Lifestyle situations, my massage skills never came up. I didn’t volunteer it. Feeling this new person, new kink unlocked.

And that is what inspired this episode. See, you have been with me for over ten minutes and finally getting to the inspiration. I had to tune into my friend’s body. I had to listen to her breathing, which her and my wife continued their conversation while I was doing this so that was interesting. There are so many little signals she was giving me that I needed to pay attention to. Realizing about halfway through, this is the same thing I do when I am having sex with a woman.

Fun fact about me. I like to be on top of a woman when I have sex. Meaning, I will lay down fully. I see other guys and their techniques are different. Some kinds like to stay upright with the woman horizontal. Not a fan because I have shit balance. And the other reason, I find laying, physical skin on skin puts me more in touch with the lady than being upright. I can feel their breathing when it changes in a positive or negative way. I can hear a woman’s breathing better this way. Instead of just having two senses, hearing and visual, touching bodies allows me to feel their body with all of mine.

No judgement on anyone. However, you fuck is your business. If you can lay down the thunder dick upright, get it. I can’t. I don’t like to. Maybe this is the reason I don’t, besides my horrible balance.

Be it massaging or fucking, we need to tune into other people’s bodies. Here is a question to ponder. Do you know when a person is about to have an orgasm? For men or those who enjoy vaginas, do you ever feel the tightening down there? Feel the change in their bodies? For those who enjoy dick, are you tuned into the way men tighten up their bodies right before climax?

Side note. Dudes, if a woman starts shaking, moaning, grabbing your hair or saying don’t stop while you are between her legs with your face, do not stop. Don’t think, oh she is enjoying this, maybe I should try this instead. No. She is literally telling you that motion feels good, keep doing it. I don’t care if your jaw is sore. You get in there.

Anyway. Gathering feedback. When you are with a new person, it is so important to tune into their body. You can’t go on autopilot. I know you go on autopilot with some people. You have the routine down and you know what works. New person, you need to deliver the best you can. Especially if you want a call back.

Breaking this down into using the tools we have at our disposal. We have our senses. We have our bodies as our instrument, and they are the melody we want to play. We need to listen to the noises they are making, however faint. Which is a reason I am not a big fan of loud music while we do the fuckery with people. I want to be able to hear what is going on. Also don’t tune out the other person if you are so focused on yourself and getting yourself off, you won’t be able to get the information you need.

What kind of feedback are we looking for? The best giveaway I have found, the one thing people cannot control is their breathing. Yes, someone could not talk or make a sound, but their breath will give it away. Changes in tempo, changes in duration, changes in general. With all of this we are looking for differentials.

I asked the internet for a definition of differential, and it gave me math as an answer. Fuck that. We are looking for differences from the baseline. A good example is a song. If the beat of a song is the baseline, you will notice when it changes, you will notice the difference. We are looking for differences from the normal and what is the variable that causes the difference. Which means testing and science which is the ugly child of math.

 If a person is breathing steady and you find the magic spot on their dick and they start breathing faster, you found the differential spot. You now know that they enjoy sensation on that spot. Maybe you used a finger the first, second time you try your tongue. Their breathing changes again. We have found a new variable.

Or you touch the same spot with your tongue and their breathing does not change, the tongue is not the right variable. At a point in the past with your spouse, you went through this process. You did all this. That’s why you know now instinctively what they like. Or you think you do. It could be beneficial for all couples to reevaluate every now and then what you may believe or think you know about what they enjoy. And good news you are in the lifestyle, so conversations about sex are easier now.

Hypothetical situation. You and your partner have sex with a great couple. You notice your partner has a really good time. Like multiple good times. You can approach this two ways. The shitty bad way is to get upset that your partner got more pleasure from someone else. This is the vanilla way of doing things. Getting jealous, getting upset that your partner had a good time.

The healthier lifestyle way is to look at this as a learning opportunity. Ask your spouse what happened. What did this person do that pleased them so much. And once you know what happened, once you know what the missing variable is, you can do it yourself. Knowledge is powerful according to 80s cartoons.

That’s what is so cool about the Lifestyle. We can be exposed to new techniques and skills that would never have crossed our minds. It happens. It is understandable for it to happen. You have sex with the same person for 20 years, you make assumptions that you know what they like. It is good to reevaluate that. And the benefit of the lifestyle is that we are exposed to new techniques by other people.

As I was ideating this script, I wanted to get another perspective. A woman’s perspective. A glorious shining beacon of lifestyle knowledge. And I made her go huh when I pitched the concept of this episode.

I reached out Lexi Sylver. Lexi is a friend of mine who has been a big supporter of this podcast. You can find her at Lexisylver.com. That is L E X I S Y L V E R.com. She is a lifestyle coach, relationship coach, sex coach, all around badass and fabulous person.

I should have recorded our conversation but no Jason lacks forethought on that one. Lexi wanted to share a couple of concepts that I had not even considered. When trying to connect with another person sexually, she said the eyes are important. Eye contact. Which made me stop and think, do I make eye contact? Are you now wondering if you make eye contact.

Lexi said the eyes communicate everything, well for those without vision issues, eye contact is super helpful. No matter how much a person may try to mask their internal brain workings, the eyes will give away their true thoughts. Even if someone says, oh yes, I really like that. There may be hesitancy in their glances.

Another thing Lexi pointed out about dirty talk. Be specific with the dirty talk as in would you like me to suck on your nipples? Listen to both the words they say and the inflection in their voice.

First off you are being direct in asking specifically what you want to do. The other person can then make a judgement without pressure on whether or not to consent, see there is that consent idea again, to allow you to procced. Listen for the inflection in their voice.

I always talk about getting consent. You want enthusiastic consent. No hesitation in their voice. If you are unsure at any point, ask again. Better to double check than do an act to a person who really is not on board.

Lexi has a unique perspective as she is bisexual. She shared that men are way fucking easier, her words to tune into versus women. I would surmise that yes, that’s true. Men have external genitals flopping around. You have direct feedback right there in the pecker on whether or not the guy is in the zone. She said women are a lot harder because their erogenous zones are internal. Lexi said with women, tune into everything. Goosebumps, hard nipples, breathing, moaning, check in with them, ask how does this feel.

And I am super happy I talked to her. Lexi brought up an facet of this I had not considered. Neurodivergent people may have trouble reading facial expressions or reading all these physical cues I have been talking about. Fully admitting there was a gap in my advice on this one.

Neurodivergent people, depending on what kind of divergency they have, may have trouble reading facial expressions. It’s a known thing. They may have trouble expressing themselves through body language. Checking in verbally, talking, asking. We need more of that. Asking, would you like this? Asking, may I do this? Being direct with our communication. Lexi was right and I had missed that. I am so glad I talked to her.

Being unable to read facial expressions or operating without verbal consent, I can see how that would cause some performance anxiety or lead to situations where actions are purely performative and not for pleasure.

Adding on to that. People with ADHD may have trouble recognizing the pleasure of another. Not in a they don’t care way more of a harder to tune in way. With ADHD, sex is a firehouse of stimulation. All their senses are firing off at one time. Both internally and externally. It is a lot of background noise to sift through. On top of that, then they are expected to be vocal which adds another layer of expectations. In addition to getting blasted with a firehouse, they have to dance the whole time.

Be calm. For those with ADHD, focus on one thing. Focus on one sensation you are receiving. There is no pressure to perform in this. Focus on your pleasure and what you are feeling. If you have a audible reaction or physical reaction, let it flow. Do not stop it. Allow your body to react as it wants to versus thinking you have to do something.

Performative. I need to talk about that too. Feedback should not be performative. If you want to scream and yell, go for it. But do it because it is a natural reaction, not something you think someone else wants to see based upon what you have seen in porn.

Coming from the dude with experience here, genuine feedback is amazing. It helps people fine tune how to pleasure you. The performative stuff, which muddies the message. Then people have to question, are you really enjoying this or pretending? Am I doing something right here? Changes in breathing patterns are much more helpful to the outside observer versus the screaming. Saying I am about to cum, golden fucking great. Let’s me know you are close, and I need to keep doing what I am doing. Yelling out fuck me fuck me fuck me, unless it is followed by an instruction like harder, eh not as helpful.

Now the practical advice. The how. How do you do this? Doesn’t do any good to talk about it without sharing the real advice. As I said we are looking for variables that cause a differential reaction. Oral sex.

Sucking dick and licking clit. As I have way more experience with one of those, I will use it for my example, though I guess those in the position of sucking can figure out their own techniques.

Giving good cunnilingus is an art and a science. For most people I would say slow the hell down. Let a sensation linger. Check for a reaction before you try a different technique. Use the flat of your tongue in an upward motion for 20 or 30 seconds. Then switch to tongue flicks against the clit for a few seconds. Give the person time to react to the sensation.

If you are tuned into the woman’s body, then you are looking for a change. Is there a positive reaction when you switched techniques from flat tongue to flicking? I imagine these have specific names, but I don’t know them so please accept simple terms for this.

If the woman likes the tongue flicking more than the flat tongue she will react. Her breathing may change. She may shift her body a little. She might even tell you that she feels good. Or conversely there is no reaction. Okay we are making progress here.

Switch back to flat tongue as your baseline, then try swirls, check for reaction. If we have a positive, then we now know that swirls are good. Stick with swirls for a little while then do something different.

What we are looking for is a highly strong positive reaction to one of these techniques. And yes, I am oversimplifying licking pussy. If you find there is technique that elicits a strong reaction, you fucking ride that wave. Do not stop. We have identified the technique that will bring that woman to climax, probably most likely. At a minimum it feels good for her. And we want to give good pleasure, so we are on the right path.

If you get tired, which does happen after marathon pussy licking sessions, alternate two techniques. One baseline and one that works really well. So, if you are swirling away and your tongue muscles are getting tired, switch to an open mouth side to side motion to let your tongue rest. We know the baseline feels good, the variable technique feels great. Alternate those two.

We have eliminated from consideration techniques that she does not enjoy by going through this process. All of this can happen over the span of two minutes. We are connecting with another person quickly. Figuring out, deducing what they enjoy.

The bad way to employ this is to think, well my wife really enjoys when I do this technique so therefore every woman must enjoy it. No no no. Every human is different. There is no one blanket technique, especially for pussy licking that every woman enjoys. Some women not a fan of constant clit stimulation and you may been to do tongue diving. I am such an eloquent speaking.

The other way I would call bad way is to not give a shit. It happens. Men in their excitement, and women too. Everybody, people don’t care about the pleasure of their partners so they will sit their face down there. Do the least amount of effort possible because they are in a race to get to the penetration. Slow the fuck down and appreciate someone else’s body.

This other person has allowed, granted, blessed you with access to their most intimate areas. Even if this is a one-night stand, you want it to be memorable. You want to be the guy or woman that they think about in two years when they are rubbing one out. You want to be the ghost that haunts them. The illusive specter that lingers in the last breath when they cum.

Remember what works. If you are lucky enough to have a second round with a couple, remember what worked the first time. Don’t get crazy amnesia the next time you are staring at this pussy. You went through this whole process the first time, you know what variables work and don’t work. The next time you are with this sexual being, you can either try new techniques or stick with the ones you know are successful.

Oddly, talking about this episode with a very sexy friend, she mentioned that I know the spots. I learned the spots on her and what she likes over time. Lots of time. Now when I am blessed to be in that position, I know what to do. I have tried all the variables, landed on a set of techniques that I know works. I know her body, I know when she is close to orgasming and I can then slow down, speed up, I can manipulate the situation, which sounds so bad, because I have practice and I care about her pleasure.

I don’t want this to come across as mechanical either. Sex is an art. If sex were a science or a mechanical action, then every man and woman would climax at the exact same moment after 100 thrusts. Sex is the purest form of art. Just as good paintings abide by the golden ratio, we can apply forethought and effort in a scientific manner. We can appreciate the lines and curves and colors of a painting; we still need to step back to appreciate the whole. We need to step back to appreciate the whole person. Not just their genitals. Not just mechanically licking a clit for 20 seconds. Let the act flow naturally. Respond to the signals you are receiving. Think water, not metal.

Metal is the element of industry. Hard and knowable. A metal gear will stay a metal gear until it is no longer a metal gear. You are not a metal gear. You are a bag of water. Water flows, water can become ice or vapor. With sex, you may need to become a different state to bring upon climax in another.

Not every person will respond to oral sex like another. You may need to use your fingers or your dick or your pussy to achieve the goal. You are water. Changing your techniques and your state of being as the other person reacts.

If you throw a gear into a river, it will sink and stay there. If you are water, you can flow along the natural valley and beaches. There is no better metaphor for sexual acts than a river flowing to the ocean. You must go along with the flow. You can’t suddenly declare in the middle of the act. I have reached orgasm, and I am done, and I don’t care if you have not reached orgasm, where are my pants. You are being metal by doing that. Unflinching, uncaring.

If you are like water, you can say I have reached orgasm and you have not, let me lick your vagina to help you achieve orgasm, changing your state from erect penis to tongue. This is some deep shit right here and I hope it is landing. Sex is art and water do not be mechanical and metal. Be adaptable to the situation with another person.

If you are married, it might be time for a refresher with your spouse. Next time y’all are getting intimate, try the process out. You know what they like. You know the sequence. Introduce a new variable and test it out. People go to extreme lengths to spice up their marriage. When sometimes all you have to do is like their clit in a new way.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference.  Go to STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL10 for 10% your order.

Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.