Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies and let’s talk about a deep topic today. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we dive into the Lifestyle.
This episode was inspired by an email from a listener. Thank you very much for reaching out. The listener shared that he was on the spectrum. Didn’t elaborate a lot of details which is fine. The email inspired them though. I had one of those oh yeah what about that moments that got me thinking and researching and then writing. So today let’s talk about neurodivergent people and the lifestyle.
Want to dip your toes into the lifestyle or make the switch to a new adult social site. You can find a link to sign up for a trial account of SDC on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com.
The Single Men’s Guide to the Lifestyle is out and for sale. All you single sexy dudes, want to jump into the Lifestyle and have no idea where to start? I got you. I got a whole course that will teach you all the secrets, all the tips and tricks and stuff that it would take you years to learn on your own. Buy the course and skip that whole newbie phase and go straight to experienced. The link is on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com.
Another note. I am working on a new course. The Men’s Guide to Flirting in the Lifestyle. We do things differently in the Lifestyle including flirting. I hear from a lot of guys who join the LS, they don’t remember how to flirt or maybe they never learned how. I am putting together a course right now to help. With feedback from my lovely lady friends and lots of good information, this course will help you have confidence, hold a conversation and become a master flirter.
One last note. I promise. National Lifestyle Weekend will be in Las Vegas, July 19-21, 2025. All the details are available on SDC.com. Three hotel takeovers, topless pools, so many after parties. As of this morning, while I am writing this script we have over 11,000 people RSVPed. This will be the largest gathering of lifestyle people ever. Tickets are on sale now at www.nationallifestyleweekend.com, all one word. Currently there is an early bird discount on the tickets that will last a few more weeks.
Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.
I always use the same disclaimer. I figure all those words cover all the bases in conversations and help to welcome everyone to the show. Today my disclaimer and those words hold a special meaning. I believe the Lifestyle is inclusive. I believe there is a place for everyone in the Lifestyle who wants and is able and mentally prepared to join. I believe everyone can experience the freedom of expression offered by the LS even if you never have sex. The Lifestyle is about so much more than sex. We are a community, a culture and a way of being that should be open to everyone who wants to walk with us.
I want to talk about being neurodivergent and being in the Lifestyle.
We need to define what I mean when I say neurodivergent. From the Cleveland Clinic.
Quote:
Neurodivergent is a nonmedical term that describes people whose brains develop or work differently for some reason. This means the person has different strengths and struggles from people whose brains develop or work more typically. While some people who are neurodivergent have medical conditions, it also happens to people where a medical condition or diagnosis hasn’t been identified.
The term “neurodivergent” describes people whose brain differences affect how their brain works. That means they have different strengths and challenges from people whose brains don’t have those differences. The possible differences include medical disorders, learning disabilities and other conditions. The possible strengths include better memory, being able to mentally picture three-dimensional (3D) objects easily, the ability to solve complex mathematical calculations in their head, and many more.
Neurodivergent isn’t a medical term. Instead, it’s a way to describe people using words other than “normal” and “abnormal.” That’s important because there’s no single definition of “normal” for how the human brain works.
The word for people who aren’t neurodivergent is “neurotypical.” That means their strengths and challenges aren't affected by any kind of difference that changes how their brains work.
End Quote:
That’s a lot of words. What does that have to do with the Lifestyle? Stick with me.
I am neurotypical. I do have experience with neurodivergence as my lovely, wonderful wife has full blown ADHD. She did not get diagnosed until she was 35, and suddenly so much made so much sense. She falls into the high achiever, lots of coping mechanisms category. I never noticed, she never noticed. No one growing up ever noticed. Her own mother seemed to reject the label.
Once we had a name though, we could research and learn and yeah so many of the things that make my wife special, yeah that is ADHD. So I am familiar as someone who is married to someone who is neurodivergent. My wife says before the diagnosis she had 16 lanes of traffic going through her brain at all times. With the right medications and treatments, we got it down to four lanes. Woo Hoo.
That highlights that neurodivergent is not a bad thing. With her ADHD, she has superpowers. Watch someone with ADHD hyperfocus and go into their zone, they can move mountains or in my wife’s case, repaint half the house in one night. There is a balance.
Being neurodivergent should not be stigmatized. The conversation around it should be normalized. We in the lifestyle already live far outside the norm that in no way should we ever stigmatize anyone for anything. Especially the way their brains are constructed and wired.
That’s the nuance of neurodivergence people, it’s the brain. Their brains are wired differently. Not in a bad way, just different. Speaking from an evolutionary perspective, I can see the value of ADHD to our cavepeople ancestors. Having someone who can notice every little detail of the world around them would be super valuable. Unfortunately our world is built for neurotypical people.
The best example is school. Kids are expected to sit still for hours, listen attentively and absorb information. People who are neurodivergent, doing all that is difficult. But the world is built this way to serve the neurotypical population.
I see parallels between that situation and the lifestyle versus vanilla dynamic. The vanilla world wants and makes us conform to an expression of life. Standard issue marriage, standard issue social life, standard basic. Go through the motions and at some point you will be rewarded for your dedication to the vanilla life with, I don’t know.
Lifestyle is a deviance, a deviation from the norm. We express ourselves differently in the Lifestyle. We reject so many social norms right out of the gate. That can make the vanilla world uncomfortable. So the vanilla world will try to make us sit down, shut up and go through the motions just like school.
I cannot possibly cover all the different ways that neurodivergent people express themselves. Can’t do it. I decided I will focus on two of the most prevalent, autism and ADHD. For my sake and clarity, this will be the last time I use the word autism. I prefer the term on the spectrum because it is a spectrum, and I think those who are on the spectrum prefer to say on the spectrum and I want to be respectful.
It is estimated between 15 – 20% of the global population could be neurodivergent. Logically with all those people some of them will end up in the Lifestyle or think about joining the Lifestyle. Granted there are other expressions of neurodivergence besides ADHD and being on the spectrum. Not to exclude anyone, but for my sake and providing a semblance of order, I am going to talk about these two.
The discussion around this topic could take hours or days and we ain’t got that kind of time. I can revisit this topic in the future though if people want.
I at least want to offer a chance to start a conversation about this. Yeah the lifestyle can be sexy, there can be sex and more fuckery, but we also need to look at the human side of this hobby. We are all individuals brought together by very common bonds and everyone brings something different with them. I always say the lifestyle is and should be inclusive of everyone, regardless of race or gender or background or even neurological uniqueness.
I do not want anyone to feel minimized ever. I want everyone to be seen and know they are valid. What that means is acknowledging that some people are neurotypical, some people are neurodivergent, some people don’t know what they are. But. You are valid and I am acknowledging that.
If you are on the spectrum and you know if you are and you know what I mean by that, deciding to join the lifestyle is a highly personal question I cannot answer for you. I ain’t encouraging anyone to do anything you are not comfortable with. I can list considerations that I know other people are not talking about and you can decide for yourself.
I am not a psychologist or therapist or certified in anything. This is as always my own experiences and my own perspective on these topics. You are free to make your own choices. I want everyone to be informed. I want everyone to be informed of all the different considerations that need to be considered. That’s some good writing right there Jayson.
As I was researching this episode, I found of articles that looked at neurodivergent people through the lens of polyamory or through kink or bdsm. No articles that specifically looked at this through the lens of the Lifestyle.
If you are on the spectrum, you know whether the Lifestyle is even an option for you. I can share what I can, but this is a personal decision you have to make, and I am not encouraging anyone one way or the other.
Let me run through aspects of the Lifestyle that I think could help you make that decision or bring to light aspects you may not have thought of.
The very first thing I would say, not just to a neurodivergent person, to anyone who is considering joining the lifestyle in any capacity, single or married. You have to be comfortable saying yes or no clearly.
There will be times where you may not want to engage in an activity with someone else. You need to be able to say no. Clearly. Do not feel obligated to say yes. Do not let anyone pressure you into saying yes or agreeing to something that you are uncomfortable with. And you need to be able to say yes when you want to say yes. Clearly. I cannot emphasis this enough. You must have the skills to communicate clearly and directly if you are considering joining the LS.
Next consideration. Chaos. Going to be honest here. Lifestyle people, super flaky. I don’t know why. Vanilla life gets in the way. Things happen. Plans go sideways. Are you okay with that? Knowing going into this that, people may not always be able to make plans or follow through with plans. There is very little routine in this hobby. Every weekend is a different social engagement, a different date, a new couple. There is a lot of randomness.
At a party, you may be approached by a couple, make plans and then they ghost you. It happens. There must be flexibility in your approach to this hobby. Do not let the randomness of other people bother you either. Do not take this personally. Know that this is a hobby, a second life, a fun adventure for people and their vanilla life will take precedence. Nothing personal against you.
The Lifestyle is chaotic by nature. People will come and go. People will join and drop out of the Lifestyle every day. For their own reasons that may have nothing to do with you, it happens. Even personal relationships can be chaotic.
Finally under chaos, we are going to throw in every party and event out there. Parties can be loud. Very loud. Lots of people. Lots of people moving constantly and bouncing around. Are you okay with that? Nothing stands still for long in the Lifestyle.
Going along with chaos is sensory explosions. This is beyond sensory overload. Parties and events, even house parties, can be very loud and flashing lights and they will assault every sense you have. The smell of sex after people have been fucking in a closed room for a few hours, which can get right up deep in the nose. Even sitting on the beach can be overwhelming if everyone is talking at the same time. Are you okay with that? Can you handle being around multiple people making noise at one time?
Keeping the sensory explosion metaphor going, sex. Sex can be overwhelming. The sensations and noises and smells and sounds and visuals. All of that can be overwhelming for people. As I was doing research for this episode, there are a lot of articles connecting being on the spectrum and bdsm. I don’t know if it is the bias of the articles I found or a legitimate preference for those on the spectrum, but BDSM and kink are more popular than the Lifestyle, acknowledging that there is a difference between these communities.
My takeaway and working theory are that bdsm by its nature is very controlled and orderly. It is easier to know what is coming next, less surprises as bdsm encounters and scenes are discussed ahead of time. Going into a scene, there will be discussions around safety and sequence. I can see the appeal for a person who enjoys rigidity and control.
In the lifestyle, which may not be a possibility. You meet a couple at a sex club, ten minutes later y’all are naked in a room and about to bang it out. There is no conversation about do this, then this and finally this. You have to be able to go with the flow in that situation. You could talk it out ahead of time, realistically yes you could. In practice, I have not seen that happen. People know how to fuck, and they just get to it.
Again it is a personal decision to join the Lifestyle, I want to give some foundation for conversations and questions and considerations that no one else may have mention to you yet.
There are benefits to the Lifestyle though. The biggest one that jumped to my mind quickly when I was ideating this episode was communication. To the credit of everyone in the Lifestyle, we communicate very well. Consent to proceed requires verbal communication. There is no or shouldn’t be any playing coy about anything. We should expect and need direct consent, yes or no, enthusiastically to proceed.
If you are the type of person who has trouble reading social cues and subtle body language, the need for verbal communication could be a really good thing. You will know if you can proceed based on clear communication, not just someone making sexy eyes or flirting hardcore. We use our words. We should use our words, and this is a huge positive for anyone on the spectrum.
Another benefit is we establish safe sex practices ahead of time. We communicate on whether to use condoms or risk mitigation. Again a good benefit for anyone who may have trouble interpreting interpersonal communication. You know heading into an encounter what to expect, what are the guidelines and operating procedures. I saw this recommendation and wanted to share it.
Have a safe word. Generally, encounters in the LS, do not need a safe word. Great in concept, meh we don’t often use them as we tend to just engage in the fuckery, standard issue fuckery. Safe words tend to be applicable for more bdsm or kink. You need a safe word in order to stop something that could be pushing the boundaries. As we usually engage in just sex, people can usually just say stop or no and that is valid and stands.
If you are on the spectrum, I recommend communicating with a potential couple that y’all mutually establish a safe word in case you need it. If you are overwhelmed or need a break, you can use the safe word to stop everything and take a moment to gather yourself.
Doing much better with my segues today because from safe words we go to safe spaces. In the Lifestyle, we can create around us, safe spaces of personal expression. Yes that personal expression may mean going topless but still counts. We create spaces that allow people to drop the vanilla bullshit and be their true selves. These spaces could be very beneficial for someone on the spectrum. Knowing that you are in a safe environment where people accept you for who and what you are, without question, is a powerful benefit of the lifestyle.
And speaking to my friends who may be on the spectrum, if you are comfortable with the aspects of the lifestyle I pointed out and you are able to make the decision freely and consciously, then you will be welcomed in the lifestyle. People will treat you with respect because we treat everyone with respect.
Let’s talk about ADHD. Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder also known as just ADD. If you have ADHD, which is the acronym I am going to run with, there is nothing wrong with you. You have fucking superpowers and be proud of them. It’s the neurotypical world that has a problem.
As I mentioned earlier, my wife has ADHD. She is still the same wonderful woman I feel in love with and now we know that some of her quirks and uniqueness are ADHD.
I don’t know why but an observation. I have seen so many, so many, couples in the LS where one partner has ADHD. Now that I educated myself on it, I can peg it well. I don’t know why, always seems to be one partner. One is neurodivergent and one is neurotypical.
Fun note when you look up ADHD and swinging online, apparently the act of swinging, as in sitting in a swing and literally swinging is very therapeutic for those with ADHD. Learning!
I feel the Lifestyle is super attractive to those with ADHD. There is zero research on the prevalence of ADHD in the Lifestyle probably because no one has ever noticed it before, but I am pointing it out to you and now you can’t unnoticed it. As my wife pointed out, we don’t how many lifestyle people are out there definitively so cross checking that data against those with ADHD would be impossible.
One of the causes of ADHD is, for lack of a better way of saying it, a dopamine deficiency or ill-regulated dopamine production. There are different kinds of ADHD too. I am going to go with a general overview here because getting into the weeds would take forever.
Know what causes dopamine production? Sex, novelty, new people, new experiences, new relationship energy. Oh look. Now it all makes perfect sense. I ain’t a doctor so don’t come at me for my oversimplification but I think there is something to this.
The Lifestyle provides a novel and safe way to boost dopamine through the interactions, sexual and non-sexual that it provides. With that said, the natural impulsiveness of those with ADHD can lead to risky behavior in the Lifestyle like forgoing condoms or escalating encounters in ways that a spouse may not agree with or was not discussed ahead of time.
For those with ADHD, the Lifestyle can provide an excellent way of generating positive energy in their lives and it can also generate negative energy. On the positive side, there is something called new relationship energy.
From Wikipedia because it had the most concise definition “New relationship energy (or NRE) also commonly known as Honeymoon Phase is a state of mind experienced at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. NRE begins with the earliest attractions, may grow into full force when mutuality is established, and can fade over months or years. The term indicates contrast to those feelings aroused in an "old" or ongoing relationship.”
It is not that people with ADHD get bored or fall out of love with their partners. Not that at all. But that rush of NRE is a big draw and a big dopamine booster. But on the con side, when that energy runs out, there is a potential landmine of then chasing the next hit of NRE.
Another con is chasing the high of sexual encounters. ADHD and hypersexuality go hand in hand. This ain’t nymphomania, which may not even be real. This is when the desire and need to engage in sex leads to constant and debilitating thoughts and actions that could be risky for the person.
With every high though can come a crash and those with ADHD can be particularly susceptible to the emotional or physical crashes of the Lifestyle.
A superpower for those with ADHD though, in the right frame of mind, they can be the life of a party. Their superpowers kick in, they process social data at lightning speed, communicate with everyone, they can talk to everyone at a party four times over with boundless energy.
Finally on the topic of ADHD, I need to mention Rejection Sensitivity. Not all people with ADHD have this but I want to let everyone know it is a thing.
From the Cleveland Clinic again: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense.
How does this manifest? What does it mean? People with ADHD can have a hard time handling rejection of any kind. Physical, emotional, friendly rejection. Maybe you have a friend with ADHD, and they suggested y’all go to a restaurant for dinner. You tell them you don’t want to go to that restaurant as you went to it earlier that day and suggest a different restaurant.
For those with rejection sensitivity, what they could hear, and experience is, that you are rejecting their idea, which means you are rejecting them and thereby do not like them. This is a grossly over simplification. I know. Trying to boil these concepts down into an easy-to-understand format.
If you have rejection sensitivity, be aware if someone disagrees with you, they are not rejecting you. They still like you. It is not about disagreeing with you or turning you down. There may be a reason for them not wanting to go with your idea. A perfectly valid reason.
And on the flip side, if you know someone who has rejection sensitivity, it is real. You know it is real. Let them down easily. Do not insult. Do not be mean. My imaginary ADHD having person in this situation, remember they are a person, they are investing their emotions in suggesting which they may feel vulnerable by doing that.
You may think, oh it is just picking a restaurant to eat at, but for them there is more to it. Be understanding of the feelings of others. They are investing themselves into this suggestion, investing their self confidence and need for connection with you. If you are neurotypical and listening and think what the hell does that mean, it’s just picking a restaurant. You are right. It is just picking a restaurant to you, to them it is different. Goes back to the whole their brains are wired differently. Making sense now maybe.
Rejection happens in the Lifestyle. Couples will reject other couples. It could be as polite as a “not right now” response or it could just be a no. Please don’t think you have to say yes to something you don’t want to, to spare someone else’s feelings. Not saying that. I am saying if you do turn someone down, don’t be a dick about it.
Realize that this other person worked up the courage to ask. You are free to respond however you would like but don’t be a jerk.
This next section applies to everyone, not just the neurodivergent. Yall the Lifestyle can be overwhelming. Ain’t going to lie about that. Between the texting and interactions or parties or the sex, it can be a lot. If you are the type of person who has small social batteries or limited mental bandwidth, hell if you have a stressful busy job, staying on top of all the Lifestyle social scene can be a lot.
I recommend focusing on the aspects you enjoy and don’t worry about doing everything. Let’s say you are the kind of person who really likes parties and is not a big fan of constant texting. No problem at all. Focus on the parties. Be forthcoming with other couples and tell them upfront, you are not a big texter, you prefer in person interactions. Nothing personal you just don’t have the time or bandwidth to chat all day.
This applies doubly for neurodivergent people. I know it can be hard to focus for those with ADHD and for those on the spectrum there may be feelings of regret or judgement, thinking that people are unhappy with you for not being as present or you burn out trying to appease everyone and participate in every aspect of the LS.
It’s okay. No one can possibly handle everything the LS throws at them. You just can’t. This hobby will suck up every extra moment you have and not care. Some people have slow jobs and can text and chat all day. Some people have commitments, like kids, which require a lot of time.
It is okay to tell other people that you do not have the bandwidth to always participate in the shenanigans of the lifestyle. Sometimes the LS can burn you out. This is normal too. You hit all the notes, do all the things and then you hit a wall. You burn out. This hobby can be really taxing and that’s okay too.
Take a break. If you are at a party and it’s too much, take a break and go decompress. If the chatting and communication is too much, take a break and disconnect. If the interpersonal relationships are too much, take a break and step back. You and your spouse are in full control of how you experience the lifestyle, and no one can or should tell you that you have to do it a certain way.
To the neurotypicals out there, there are neurodivergent people in the Lifestyle. There are undiagnosed and diagnosed people in the lifestyle who have a slightly different way of interacting with other people, different way of viewing the world and different way of conforming to social norms. They are valid and they need your grace and patience.
For some people, eye contact can be difficult. For others, maybe they are not good at reading body language or tonal inflection. But the lifestyle should be inclusive of those who believe that they can manage it, inclusive of those who feel comfortable participating and inclusive of those who may see the world differently.
To everyone out there, social interaction can be intimidating, even for neurotypical people. Look everyone is weird. I said it. Everyone thinks they are weird. Everyone suffers from some kind of social anxiety, either a little bit or a lot. Everyone worries that they will say something stupid in a conversation or turn off a couple by just being themselves. Everyone has these thoughts. It is normal and needs to be normalized.
One of the great secrets of life. Everyone thinks they themselves are the weirdest person in the room and no one has a fucking clue what they are doing. We are all stumbling through life, trying to keep our shit together long enough to make it to the weekend and relax.
We are adults. We should not judge others at all. We should be accepting of others. No that does not mean you have to fuck every person you meet, but you can be cordial and kind. Kindness is free. Understanding is free. If another person says they need to step back to decompress, it’s okay and normal.
Do not feel ashamed or guilty for taking the time you need to get your mental health straight ever, especially in the Lifestyle. Step back, take the time you need, and the Lifestyle will still be here for you.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me.
Single guys listen to me, you need my course. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for more information.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.
Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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