Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about men.
This episode and probably the next one will be about the attributes that women find attractive in men in the lifestyle and in general. I say next episode knowing full well I don’t plan that far ahead with my topics.
Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter what your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.
I am going to talk to men today. Not that I don’t want to talk to women, I really like talking to women but my own perspective as a hetero normative cis gendered masculine identifying person, I can’t speak for women. What I can do is talk to men. And men we need to talk.
We need to talk today about what is considered attractive to women in the Lifestyle. What behaviors, attributes, hobbies, and personal traits women find engaging and arousing. We need to talk about this. I know there is at least one man out there who needs to hear this.
You might be in the population of men who already embody these qualities. Fucking great. I personally know men who embody these qualities. If you are one of these men, I expect you to be a model and example for others. Men need to see other men displaying and acting in a way that project healthy masculinity, not reenforcing shitty behavior.
What can we do as men to become the most attractive version of ourselves and what unattractive qualities do, we need to abandon in the vanilla world.
As a brief disclaimer here, I am talking about broad generalizations. There may be a woman out there who really fucking enjoys when a man wants to have a heated debate about politics, but I promise I ain’t met them, I don’t know them and if you find one, they will be the exception, not the rule.
For example, I always tell men don’t open a conversation with a dick pic. Women don’t like it even though there might be one woman out there in the world who does like it. Again, that’s the exception to the rule.
There are things that men do that will straight up dry out vaginas, like a reverse sponge sound. From what I see the unattractive behaviors in the LS are the behaviors that men bring into the LS from the vanilla. Specific behaviors that men think work in the vanilla world and expect to work in the lifestyle. They ain’t attractive in the vanilla world and they are doubly not attractive in the Lifestyle.
Look, three things I want to impress upon all the men listening out there.
Number 1. Do not be the reason your wife can’t get laid. That is the tag line for my men’s flirting course and it is appropriate here. Don’t be the guy that limits your wife’s fun because of your behavior, personality, hygiene or general disposition. Do not be the guy that someone has to apologize for.
Number 2. Don’t rely upon your wife to close the deal. I have seen it, and I don’t like it. The wife of a couple will do all the work, chatting and flirting and lining up the date, then the guy comes in at the last minute, happy as hell because he gets laid and didn’t put in any effort.
Number 3. Women want you to connect with them, not impress them. You don’t have to brag, you don’t have to pretend to be something you are not. Women want to connect with the authentic real version of you, not an image in your head of what you think women want.
That’s some heavy harsh truths, I know someone out there needs to hear right now. And I ain’t knocking you if you don’t realize that you do or engage in any of the behaviors we are about to talk about. I am pointing it out so you can address it and be better. Part of this is engrained behavior that we, as men, have to consciously work on.
We learn to date and connect with women in the vanilla world. Men learn to navigate the social maze of human interactions in middle school, high school maybe college, maybe the working world. We socialized from an early age to establish hierarchies and the intricacies of social dominance.
Balls. As evidence of this behavior, balls. I don’t know why but when enough men gather, at least five and there is an attractive woman in their presence, balls will show up. Footballs, soccer balls, paper balls. Then men will then begin playing a game, creating rules for this new sport on the fly, in order to display their sport prowess to a lady. I have seen it. I don’t participate since I have no athletic ability whatsoever which affords be the luxury of standing on the side lines and watching this play out.
Man 1 has secured a ball. Man 2 request man 1 throw him the ball. Man 3 wants the ball and interjects in the change in possession of ball. Man 4 creates a rule to establish who may possess the ball and in what manner. Man 5 will disagree with the rules and use his possession of the ball to create a new rule. And then there is Jayson, sitting on the sidelines flirting with the woman.
Give you another example. A man enters a room and scans the area for potential sex interest and other men who may also be interested in those same woman. The man feels intimidated by the other men in the room. Maybe they are bigger or appear more confident or are causing the women to laugh and be engaged in conversation.
Here is a big difference between vanilla men and lifestyle men. This moment. This nexus of uncertainty. This question of what to do next. The vanilla man will look at this room, determine the other men are competition that must be eliminated. The vanilla man will find who he thinks is a weaker male and attempt to dominate the man he thinks is weaker. Usually based on physical characteristics or just general demeanor. The vanilla man will playfully insult the other man to appear better in the eyes of the women in the room.
The vanilla man will pull out all the things that in his mind make him a better sex partner and of higher value. Be it money be it muscles, whatever. The vanilla man is only interested in establishing himself as the top of the pile because by vanilla logic, whoever is king of the mountain is therefore automatically afforded all attention and sex by the women in the room. Which I hope as I lay it out this way you realize this bullshit.
I have seen this and I will provide a weird example of it. Gloves and straps. Granted I thought of this example when I was working out this morning but run with me. It will be fun.
I work out. Anyone who looks at me can tell I work out. I enjoy it. It’s my hobby. Working out clears my head and is therapeutic for the soul. One of my hobbies is picking up heavy objects and putting them back down repeatedly. There is technique involved and a little dash of science. In essence, I pick up and put down. Simple. Easy for my lizard brain to enjoy.
Vanilla men will notice I work out. They will make a comment on my physical statue. Which is fine, I enjoy talking about lifting and working out. It’s my hobby. There is a weird moment in the conversation I have noticed some men initiate with me, about gloves and the fabulous workout accessories I use. And I see it now for what it is. This other man is trying to elevate himself by pushing me down.
The other man in this imaginary conversation will ask if I use lifting gloves and lifting straps. For those that don’t know, lifting gloves are gloves you wear when you lift weights and straps, are straps that wrap around your wrist and hand to assist in picking up heavy shit. They are a legitimate tool, and I will tell you why in a minute.
The other man will ask if I use straps, and I say yes and then the other man will playfully insult me that I am not a real man because I use straps or gloves. I am less of a masculine entity for using workout accessories. This happens. My entire status as a man is threatened. My penis is going to shrivel and fall off. My beard will turn to dust. I am less worthy.
Because according to men who have zero knowledge of weight lifting, they believe that gloves and straps are a crutch. That real men in air quotes don’t need them. Real men get calluses and have hands strong enough to crack coconuts. See where I am going with this. I am not a real man because I use straps and gloves as this other man in this imaginary conversation will begin to drone on about.
What is happening is my very manhood is being insulted and diminished so that other people can feel better about themselves. They want everyone around us to collectively join this imaginary person in insulting me and diminish me in the social standing.
In truth, I may use gloves because I know women don’t enjoy the feeling of calluses on their clitorises. If you want to make a woman scream like a pissed off alley cat, rub a callus over their clits.
I use lifting straps because my grip will give out way before my back muscles. So, there is a legitimate reason for me to use these items. But my personal manhood, is now being questioned by people who don’t know what the hell they are talking about.
Long winded story right there to illustrate a point. Vanilla men do this bullshit. They want to establish a hierarchy and push other men down in order to lift themselves up. Lifestyle men, men in the LS do not do this. We should not do this. I don’t see it in the LS.
The qualities that women find attractive in the Lifestyle are not the same as the vanilla world. If you, as a man, try to use the techniques you learned in the vanilla world in the Lifestyle, you will fail my dude. That includes insulting other men or trying to prove yourself as the dominant man in the room.
I can tell you what women on average, mostly find attractive in men in the Lifestyle. Like I said earlier I know men who embody these qualities and so many women find them sexy as hell. They are not the biggest most jacked guys, they don’t drive flashy cars, they don’t brag about their jobs or their dick size. They are genuine authentic people who don’t need artificial ways to increase their personal value.
With all these qualities, there is a negative and positive way to express them. For instance, first on my list, confidence without arrogance. The negative side of confidence is arrogance. Looking to be the most alpha man in the room. Especially when you attempt to insult or put down another man to make yourself appear better or more attractive.
This shit backfires hardcore. The reason it backfires is, in a room of 12 LS couples, there are six men. If you walk into a room and insult one of those men, you effectively insulted a woman’s husband. Why the fuck would she want to keep talking to you when you insulted the most important person in her life? That now means one of those 12 couples is off the table because you were a jackass. And the other five couples will see this behavior from you and recognize how insecure you are.
I also see this from single men. Single men, I got the course available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. I talked about this in the course. I see the messages single men send out. Usually, it is a dick pick and then some variation of the phrase “hello random woman, I have a penis, and I can have sex with you better than your husband”. Unless that couple has a cuck dynamic, you effectively insulted the husband by insinuating that he is deficient at sex, and you can provide relief to the wife for him. That’s a fucking insult dude. Don’t do that.
Confidence, which I also call quiet confidence, means being okay in your own skin. Being sure of yourself. You make others feel safe in your presence. Your personal confidence in the Lifestyle comes from a few sources and if you don’t feel like you have confidence, this is what you tap into. Your partner, if you are a married man, your partner, your wife is the biggest, greatest source of confidence or she should be. Your wife will make sure you look good, smell good, and feel good. And no matter what happens at the end of the night, you get to go home with the love of your life. You could strike out all night, but you still win.
Your spouse should be your emotional center and support in the lifestyle. Your spouse gives you freedom from worry and anxiety. You are already married to the most special woman in the universe, everyone else is a bonus.
Another source of confidence for men, we are all naked under our clothes. I know for men our physical insecurities run strong. I have experience with it myself. When you are naked, there is nowhere to hide anything about yourself. And there is freedom in that idea. If someone thinks enough of you to get naked with you, yeah, they are accepting of you physically.
Another source of confidence for men, we are all equal in the lifestyle. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You are accepted here no matter how much money you make, your background, your demographics. There is someone out there who wants to fuck you and at the very least willing to be your friend. Unlike the vanilla world, you do not have to jockey for position or figure out the hierarchical standing among men.
You want real advice. I know all this sounds very woo woo. Alright real advice. Best tips I got. Act like you have been there before. You might be nervous about a situation. Act like you have done all this before. Understand you don’t have to be the center of attention. You don’t have to pull in all the focus in room. You can simply be in your space.
Practical advice on this and I know it sounds weird, stand in one spot for five minutes. Then walk across the room and stand in that spot. Then do it again. In an hour you have covered the whole room, talked to everyone who is adjacent to your spot that you are standing in. No frantic bouncing around, no being a wall flower. Try to stay at least six feet away from any wall.
Next thing. Body posture. Do not allow yourself to curl up. You know what I am talking about, shoulders round inward, you wring your hands, legs together, trying to turn into a ball. No. Body posture. Force yourself to open up to the world. Pull your shoulders back. Relax. Weird tip but it works, imagine your hands are covered in butter. The sheer goofiness of that image will help, and it forces you to keep your hands out of your pockets or not to cross your arms as you don’t want to get imaginary butter on your clothes.
One more note under confidence is safety. I could do a whole episode just on this because feeling safe with someone is a huge fucking turn on women. So many women tell me that they want to feel safe with a man. On the list of attractive qualities in the lifestyle, dick size does not come up that often, but safety does.
What do I mean by safety? A woman wants to associate with a man that she knows will make her feel safe. That you are not a threat to her personal body autonomy or agency. Actions speak louder than words on this one.
How do you make a woman feel safe? Hard to encapsulate exactly what this means in this limited space, though I need to offer advice on it, that’s why you listen to this podcast.
Keep your hands to yourself. Do not be grabby or assume consent to touch a woman or anyone. Ask for consent first. Do not pressure a woman into having sex, whatever that looks like, be it verbal or physically. You know what I am talking about. If you are questioning if a certain action could potentially make a woman, feel pressured, don’t do it. Questioning is enough to know you shouldn’t do it.
Let women drive the relationship in whatever direction they want. Remember women control the Lifestyle. Which is comforting in a way. Means as a man you can don’t have to drive and control and push. You can sit back and let the world spin around you. Never take advantage of a woman either. I shouldn’t have to say this. It’s a wild world though. Guess we need to do an episode on safety. Going to add that to my list of future topics.
Come on, let’s keep rambling and running into respectfulness. Being respectful of others. Being respectful of the opinions of others. Respectful can mean shut the fuck and listen. You have two ears and one mouth. Humans are designed to listen more than we speak.
So, I have seen online in vanilla world, that debating, men wanting to debate is now a thing. As in, these shitty vanilla men want to debate with women on dates. As in, hey I have a particular idea about the world and you disagree with it, let’s debate. Seeing that shit is one of the reasons I wanted to do this so I can tell every man out there, no. That is the dumbest fucking advice. Right up there with a woman can be too wet for sex, I saw that one too.
Wanting or engaging in debating with another person is not sexy. I think these men believe that they are displaying their intelligence by doing this. That they can verbally outwit and outmatch another person. Just dumb. No one enjoys this. Women do not enjoy this. You can disagree with a person that’s fine. We can all have our own political or religious or world view beliefs. Leave them at the door.
No one cares. No one cares who you voted for in the last election. No one wants to hear your carefully constructed argument on the economic situation of European Union. Stop walking around looking for someone to argue with. That is a massive turnoff for women. Just up and listen.
I ain’t saying you should not express yourself but there are limits here. Ya’ll know what I am talking about. That one fedora wearing bastard who thinks he can cause panties to drop with his well-researched thesis statement. Doesn’t work that way.
When you do that shit, you come as super disrespectful. You want to make women horny, respect them. Respect them and their ideas and their opinions and everything that makes them, them.
Respect means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Going to dive into this and hopefully help some dude out here.
Want to know one of the reasons women like Lifestyle spaces? There are a bunch but one I hear often is, in lifestyle spaces women are respected as people. That doesn’t make any sense, you think women are respected everywhere. No, they are not. In the vanilla world, women are told what to think and what to say and how to act and what to be and when to speak. Again, broad fucking generalization here but yeah.
Women run the lifestyle. I for one am perfectly fine with that. Women determine the who and the what and how of dating and swinging. Or they should. We are men need to support women in lifestyle spaces and relationships to be their true authentic selves. You do that by listening and allowing women to have a voice in and outside Lifestyle spaces.
I know there is a woman listening to this and thinking why is it necessary to say all this, shouldn’t men just know it. Some of them don’t and some of them are hearing this for the first time.
I am not the sexiest man out there. I am not particularly debonair. I don’t have a six pack not a fancy car. But I have one skill that opens so many doors with women. One skill that attracts women. I respect them and I listen and give them space to have a voice.
That sounds like more woo woo shit Jayson, what does it mean? I let them speak, though I don’t like the word let in this sentence, but it is the closest word I can think of to what I mean. Women, humans, everyone wants to talk. They want to express themselves fully and safely. Give people that opportunity. I might disagree, I might not like what is said, but I will respect your opinion and ideas. I will ask to know more. I will want to engage with you as a person before sex ever comes up in a conversation.
The difference is when someone states an idea, your response should be tell me more not here is how you are wrong. I respect everyone’s voice in the Lifestyle. You are a whole ass person. I ain’t here to lecture or educate anyone, says the guy with the podcast.
Another aspect of respect is respecting boundaries and respecting a no. This is a big one for me. In my men’s flirting course, I differentiate it from vanilla flirting in that, in the lifestyle no means no and you are done. There are no overcoming objections. There are not stupid psychological tricks to get a woman who previously said no to suddenly say yes. In the lifestyle, we take a no. We accept no. We don’t push back on it, we move on. That is the first part of respecting boundaries.
Another part of respecting boundaries is understanding that couples operate together. Respect other people’s marriages. Do not try to separate the wife from the husband. Understand that people are a unit in this, and you need to be respectful of both people you are engaging with.
I was going to list out more traits of healthy masculinity and the traits that women find attractive but no. We can save that for the next episode. Right now, come on let’s go in a different direction. Let’s talk about a men in the lifestyle and as men what do we need to do, today right now.
Men in the lifestyle are paradigms of healthy masculinity and manhood. As friend of the show Sol says there is the divine masculine and divine feminine energy. We are all composed of a ratio of both of those energies. There is also toxic femineity and toxic masculinity.
I know that phrase, toxic masculinity will make people cringe or decide to activate their woke detector. Toxic masculinity is real. I don’t care what anyone says. Growing up with a father who was very toxic in a masculine way, yeah, I know it is very real. I have seen toxic masculinity in action. Men who get hyped up on their own testosterone, snorting their own righteousness, then want to mold the world in their image.
Especially in Lifestyle spaces this is disruptive and destructive. LS spaces are about equality and freedom not domination. Masculinity is good, toxic is bad.
I know the world, the vanilla world is bombarding young men and teenagers and kids with these very bad ideas about what manhood means. What it is to be a man. Young men are being taught to control, dominate, repress, fight and push. In media there are very few positive role models for young men to see good attributes of manhood in action.
I see the vitriol and the anger and hatred that flows like sludge through the internet. Each ripple in its inky black surface is another scream of frustration, another emotion deferred. I see at the center of each ripple another man who slips beneath the surface into the darkness.
Men in the lifestyle, I see the ways we are judged. For being body positive we are called stupid. For being inclusive we are called weak. For being sex positive, we are called simps or beta males or cucks. I see the way the toxic men, angry at themselves and a system they cannot understand redirect their venom on us. Us, the men in the lifestyle who embody the positive traits of manhood.
The men I know in the LS, they are kind. They do not judge. They support each other. They support their friends. They have friends. They are part of a good community that uplifts each other instead of tearing each other down. Yeah, there are exceptions. But overall, I feel comfortable saying this.
I know men who are bastions of virtue and everything wonderful this world can produce. They love their wives more than life itself. They take care of their kids. Okay this is wild right here. Most parents I know in the lifestyle are great parents. Wholesome and positive and supportive of their kids. How fucking rare is that in the vanilla world?
My words may be completely lost in the ether and land nowhere. I am fine with that. At least said it. Join me in saying it. Men in the lifestyle, I believe you are the best model of healthy male attitudes and behavior and goodness out there. We need more than that. The young men of the world need more role models and examples of men being good men.
You don’t change anyone by yelling or lecturing or preaching. You give them examples. You show that a man can be strong and kind. A man can be decisive and compassionate. A man can protect and nurture.
We are judged by other men, I know this. We are not judged for our sexual escapades because I promise those miserable bastards wish they had the fun we do. No, we are judged because we show the world that you can be a man in a healthy way and that makes people uncomfortable. And woe unto thee if you make a man uncomfortable with himself. Especially when his whole world view is based on scarcity, greed, power and anger.
The men I interact with in the Lifestyle, they make me happy. It makes me happy to see them love their wives and tell them constantly, it makes me happy to see them support their wives, support their friends, support other men.
In the vanilla world, so often men are taught that other men are competition and over here, it ain’t like that. We know we are all equal. We know that we can relax. We can express and be and still represent positive masculine traits.
Part two next week. We have more to talk about.
In other random news, I was a guest on the Miami Swings podcast. That episode should be posted to YouTube shortly so that’s your chance to see me, on camera. And if you like me on camera let me know. I am open to doing more video content next year if y’all are interested.
If you want to hang out with me live, I will be hosting live shows on SDC in December. Still tinkering with the topics and dates so more to come on that.
Speaking of letting me know, y’all can reach out to me in a bunch of different ways if you ever want to suggest topics or give me feedback. I am on SDC as That Other Lifestyle, you can email me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. YouTube comments are good too. Also, on Facebook. Lots of ways to say hi and yes, most of them are anonymous.
I have two courses out there; the single men’s guide to the lifestyle and the men’s guide to flirting. Those are available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. I am working on a book about discretion, how to respect it, how to figure out your personal level of discretion in the lifestyle. Also in the works is the next video course.
My next course will be about unicorns, single women in the lifestyle. I see it all the time, couples join the lifestyle looking for a single woman. They lay it right there in their bio. Then the question is how? How do you find single women? How do you attract single women? What are single women looking for? I have a whole course planned out and will let everyone know when it is available.
One final note. Risque Lifestyle Parties. Their next event is New Year’s Eve in Baton Rouge Louisiana. I even made a snazzy commercial for that. The other tidbit I want to share is that Risque is planning a hotel takeover near Destin Florida in September. The last weekend of September. So, pencil that in on your calendar for next year and I will keep everyone up to date on the details.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for the blog, courses and other fun stuff.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.
Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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