Episode 98

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies, a breeze on your back and sand between your toes. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about identity.

This show is for adults only. We will talk about sex, relationships, the lifestyle, and Ethical non-monogamy in an honest way with lots of real talk. If you are under 18, this is your only warning to go find a different show right now. Around here, on the beaches of sex freedom, consent, education and good times, everyone is welcome, lifestyle, vanilla or the curious. Whatever your gender identity, expression, truth, flavor you are welcome here. I do my best to use inclusive language, though you may hear words like husband or wife or man or woman to keep things simple.

My email address is host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com. Really like what I do and want more? Join the After Party at patreon.com/thatotherlifestyle or maybe buy me a cup of coffee, send me a tip at buymeacoffee.com/thatotherlifestyle.

Need an STI test? Go to STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order. Testing takes a community to make a difference so this is a reminder to get tested. For the best lifestyle parties and takeover, check out risquelifestyleparties.com.

Risque lifestyle parties are throwing an awesome glow takeover the first weekend of May, April 30^th -May 2 in Fort Walton Beach Florida on Okaloosa Island. The area is beautiful, white beaches and warm waters. The resort is top notch. This time around it is a glow party, my favorite theme. Let me shine with the muted purple light of neo abandon.

My wife is getting our outfits ready and I want everyone listening to come check it out with us. Tickets and details are available at risquelifestyleparties.com. There is no other takeover in the States like this. You get the beach experience without having to travel to a Caribbean resort.

This is going to be a rambling fucking episode cause my brain is fried from applying for jobs. Hundreds of applications thrown into the digital ether to be chewed up.

Due to my current unemployed situation, I have now have to interact with Linkedin on a daily basis. A virulent cesspool of social media fueled by corporate dreams, pandering and slavish devotion to the gospel of AI. I see people post the most asinine stories about life and their jobs, sharing ridiculous situations as narrative framing devices for their personal business-related insights.

So man people do this. They can’t just say, oh hey customer satisfaction is important. No they have to create a whole narrative about how they reached this realization like they are perpetually answering interview questions. I refuse to believe that a person gained business insights from their toddler asking for avocado toast. I see how professionals share near orgasmic joy in fulfilling a client request. That’s called doing the job, no need to whack off about it.

Self-aggrandizing lies to promote themselves within this echo chamber of corporate sycophants, worshipping at the alter of acronyms, smearing pointless cheap corporate accolades on themselves.

Dumbest corporate story I got. Dumb is not the right word. I don’t know the right word, help me find the right word. I worked at a company years ago and we had an all-employee symposium. The last half of the last day was devoted to work life balance, important concept. The CEO stood up in front of everyone, she had this proud look in her eyes, I still remember her staring into the stage lights like she was reciting pslams proudly. She shared that she gave birth to her second child one morning and by that afternoon, she was working on a client proposal. Hours after giving birth, she was on a laptop in the hospital room. This was confirmed by a VP chuckling about it.

They were proud of this. I believe she shared this story to show how committed she was to the business that she owned, that we as employees without a financial stake in the company beyond our paychecks should emulate. No. The air of superiority radiating from this woman was thick. She shared because she was proud of her identity as a CEO, as a boss woman. I refuse to use the term Girl Boss even though she did.

She made her position as CEO her whole identity. Identity. That’s the talk for today. For all these people on LinkedIn using this platform to celebrate their corporate accomplishments, I oddly respect it. To have a purpose, to have an identity that is so sure, so cemented that they could never see themselves as anything else than a project manager or BSE Alpha Trion Account Architect certified in Lean Six Sigma with a specialty in Managerial Optimus Prime.

Their identity is locked in. I respect it. To be so sure of oneself in a world of full of shifting noises that constantly want you to agree or get angry, to be sure of oneself, I guess is a blessing. Lack of doubt over who a person is can strengthen a lot.

I admit I lack that surety about myself, and I am still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up. These people are sure of their personal identity markers, sure of a title bestowed by a corporation, their position is how they identify themselves to the larger human tribe. My last gig I had four titles at one point. A sequence of non sensical words strung together, telling the world here I am, here is my value to society and what my status is.

Identity. How we mark ourselves, prove value to others, prove value to ourselves. Fuck me we got this in the lifestyle. Being a culture created by human hands and minds, yeah, we have something similar in the lifestyle. Not our jobs, our play dynamics.

I am in a couple of chat groups, and I see couples will share intro posts or trading cards. They drop a picture and then a whole writeup about themselves, it’s an elevator pitch to borrow a term from the corporate world. 30 seconds to share everything important about themselves as a couple.

Everyone should have an elevator pitch either memorized or typed up ready to go. What should the elevator pitch include? Names, either real or not. Okay about names.

Going on a diversion here. Talking to friends this weekend about names and how many people use fake names. We decided not to call it a fake name; we call it a lifestyle name. For discretion these couples don’t want their real names to get out there, so they pick pseudonyms. That dude’s real name is Sam and he goes by Tom. That lady’s real name is Mary and she goes by Beth. That sort of thing. My friend and I are kicking ourselves because we could have picked really cool new names, pick our own nicknames. She wanted to be Barbie Sparkles. I would have been Max Power if I had a choice. Or Thundercock. Oh hey did ya’ll invite thundercock and his wife to the party?

Anyway elevator pitch. The elevator pitch establishes a couple’s identity in the lifestyle. Could be given in an actual elevator or on a dance floor or dropped in conversation. It is sharing quickly and succinctly how and who we like to fuck. Includes names, where you live, who is your spouse, what is your personal play dynamics. Pro tip, if a couple asks about play dynamics, they are asking because they want to know if your style matches their style and if there is a possibility of fucking. They are interested, don’t miss that signal.

To steal guidance from marketing, when crafting an elevator speech, use action words, impactful, make it exciting, engaging when writing it out. Save it in the notes on your phone. Make sure to have a hook. A hobby, a trip coming up, a fact about you as a couple that someone could latch onto when starting a conversation. I like comic books, I will mention how much of a nerd I am, other couples who are nerdy will latch onto that and engage. It’s advertising.

I want to call attention to play dynamics specifically regarding the way we identify ourselves to others. I am going to say dynamics instead of style. I feel the term style is simplistic, full swap, soft swap. Dynamics incorporate a bigger picture that includes more of the factors around the ways a couple can have sex. Same room, separate, dating separately, voyeur, exhibitionist. All those other factors that makes our lives spicy.

Play dynamics as an identifier is strong as a job title in the vanilla world. How do you like to fuck other people? When and how? A few words can convey so much information to another couple. Like a job title, a couple’s play dynamics are dropped in conversation, used for vetting, decisions are made around these words, that’s why they are important.

In the vanilla world, people tell you what they do for work which is very similar to the lifestyle in that play dynamics tell you how people do what they do when they play. Fuck me I will use the word play a lot in this episode. I don’t like that word in this context because it feels like a sanitized socially acceptable friendly term for what we are really talking about, a coded word for fucking. When people ask about playing, I want to respond so bad, oh you mean go fuck around until we are both sweaty panting messes. Yes let’s do that.

Sex. Physical contact of genitals. Dick sucking, anal, all that, distilled down into the word play. For simplicity, let’s go with playing but just know I really mean fucking.

The vanilla world, a job title is given or assigned. I literally have to apply to job in order to get a new job title. We don’t really control that. Our work identity is given or earned or however you want to say it. In the lifestyle though, we have power. We have way more power in that we can decide what our play dynamics are ourselves. No one here handing out full swap collectible trading cards. No we pick it. We do that. We have that power. Which is really wild if you think about it. Where else in life do we get to assign to ourselves an identity marker all our own, created ourselves, independent of outside factors. Then we have the power to share those identity markers with others in whatever way we want. One of the most popular ways to share it, is an elevator pitch or a trading card in a chat group.

Couples are sharing their elevator pitches in chat groups, sharing their identity markers with others in conversations all the time. Think of this like sharing a social media profile in real time. I have ours ready to go.

I am Jason, this is my wife. We are a full swap couple, though open to other dynamics if the vibe is right. We tend to be a slow burn couple, and we value connections and friendships. We are looking for couples that we are mutually attracted too and want long term connections. We use protection and will want to discuss sexual health prior to any activities.

Super simple. I share our names, our usual play dynamics with a caveat that we are open to other dynamics. I mentioned that we tend to take things slow and probably are not interested in a one night stand. I mention that we like four way connections and again are looking for long term friendships versus sport fucking. I also mention our stance on sexual health. These are all the factors that are important to us.

Let’s do another one. Hi my name is Bill and this is my wife Brenda Loo. We are a full swap couple who enjoys group play. We think you are attractive and would like to get to know you better, would you like to come up to our room? We are feeling good chemistry right now and would like to get to know you two better.

Different pitch. Different vibe. More direct. You can tell they are not from the American south because they said you two instead of ya’ll.  Come up to our hotel room and fuck us kind of energy. More direct. Which is fine. In my experience those looking for one night stands or sportfucking, they forgo an elevator pitch entirely and instead use a picture book to illustrate what they want right now. Both instances convey play dynamics in a direct way.

Same as a linkedin profile, these elevator pitches tell everyone else who we are, what we think is important, dynamics, all that.

For the newbies, what do all these labels mean? Which one is right for a couple? What are the considerations? When crafting a lifestyle identity, knowing what these dynamics are, which one is right for a couple is so fucking important. If for nothing else to save awkward conversations when everyone is naked.

There are different dynamics in the lifestyle, everyone knows this. People are most familiar with soft swap or full swap but it can get really complicated. I cannot share an exhaustive list because I have no idea all the different ways people fuck each other. One thing I do want to get away from is thinking about dynamics as a ladder of escalation. There is no linear path to this and dynamics can shift. Four people could be naked in a bed and decide hey let’s go full swap or a couple may decide to play separately on a random Saturday night at a hotel takeover. It is fluid. Ha! Fluids.

Our play styles are part of our lifestyle identity. All play styles are valid and couples can choose how they want to do this in whatever way they want, what matters is does it match up with another couple.

If a couple is soft swap, I will not be the one to try and convince them to go full swap just like if we are at a party and decide we are no swap, I don’t need someone trying to convince me to change my mind. We need to respect the play styles of others and if it doesn’t match up with our own, we move on. No harm in that choice. That’s why a good elevator pitch is important, let’s people know what everyone wants upfront.

Play dynamics are personal labels we give ourselves. I want people to know all the other considerations in different play dynamics which I will break down in a minute because I feel like rambling. Those labels are powerful. Those labels influence how others see us just like jobs do. I am not going to run to a race car driver for help with a spreadsheet.

This is a shitty thing to say but let’s say it anyway. People are going to judge a couple’s play dynamics just like they judge a job title in the vanilla world. We are humans and people want to figure out their social standing in groups. We make assumptions of income if someone says they are a doctor, we also make assumptions about people based on their play dynamics.

Gangbangs. These are intense fucking activities. Not my personal thing but I’m not judging anyone. I mention these because I have been involved in conversations where people judged others for their participation or enjoyment in gangbangs and that is fucking wrong.

No different than a CEO looking down on a truck driver based on that person’s identity, their job. People will take their preferred method of fucking as the only proper and right one and it’s not. The only measure that we should use is, is it safe, is it consensual and is it fun. After that rock on, I may not want to participate, I may decline an offer based on the dynamics presented but I won’t tell anyone what they do is wrong or judge them for it.

For instance, we met a couple that only did girl-on-girl play. They had a very strong distrain for full swap couples. Anything involving penetration they were vocal about their opposition. They held their view that only bisexual women were allowed to play in this very highly. I cannot stress how fucking uppity they were about this. And they shared all this. To which we responded we are full swap and my wife was not attracted to the other wife. Completely burst their bubble. They stopped talking to us. Based on our identity, we weren’t a match for what they were looking for, which is good. It shows the power of owning play dynamics in this.

Dynamics. Let’s actually talk about them in depth. Since I talked about soft swap let’s start there. A lot of couples starts here because it feels easier, feels like there is less pressure which is true. Our first time we went full swap separate room, and I do not recommend that. The always popular phrase, we are dipping our toes into the water and couples think that soft swap is the act of dipping their toes in. Oral is fine, don’t’ want to go fully penetration yet. Fine. Keep in mind, if a couple is soft swap, they are asking other couples to be soft swap with them and most couples in the lifestyle are not soft swap. Soft swap couples may have a harder time finding fun partners due to the dynamic.

I have no issue with soft swap. It’s fine for whatever reason a couple chooses to be soft swap. There are benefits to it. Slower build up, more focus on my own spouse eventually. I still get to have sexy fun with a naked woman. Couples can stay soft swap forever. There should be no pressure to escalate haha to full swap. Everyone needs to be comfortable. And as a public service announcement to the full swap couples out there, if a couple says they are soft swap and things start happening, don’t try to pressure them into going full swap in the middle of the action or be sneaky and try to sneak a penis into a vagina. Just slip in, they won’t notice.

Conversely, if a couple says they are soft swap, they tell us they are soft swap and then in the middle of the fun, one of them decides, lets have full on penetration, no. That’s a no. We ain’t changing this dynamic when everyone has horny brain. We can all calm down, let the blood settle and then discuss it. I am not a fan of surprises around sex and this is a big fucking surprise that needs a discussion.

Going full swap, most couples in the lifestyle are full swap. Full stop. They are. We are in this for fucking and full swap is fucking. I hate to say this but I guess it is true that full swap is the default and other dynamics are variations of that. Yeah that sounds right I guess. No better way to put it. Since full swap is the default, ew hate to say that, most people understand the dynamics around full swap. Most conversations are geared towards full swap. Like if we are doing soft swap, I really don’t have to worry about a woman’s opinion about choking. More of a thing during full swap. Bad example, can’t think of a better one.

With full swap, protection is definitely a bigger concern. That is not to say that soft swap is inherently safe. It is not. Even girl on girl is not 100% safe. There are STIs that can exist in the throat and guess how they get there? Oral sex. With full swap, sexual health and practices need to be part of a discussion ahead of time. With full swap there is definitely more pressure on men to perform, keep that dick up long enough to get into the vagina.

This is your spouse having sex with another person. Better be ready for it. Better be in the right head space. Better make sure there is good communication all around.

Soft swap and full swap. Two of the simple identity markers but let’s go deeper. Let’s figure out other ways we can identify our play dynamics. A lot of couples will make a distinction of same room only. No separate play. Why?

Same room, same bed is good for couples who want that shared experience. They have high compersion and want to be a part of their partner’s pleasure. Might be touching or kissing or having the reassurance of knowing your partner’s hand is there for you. They are excited by the act, by the proximity to the action. They like the idea of being able to join in the fun, checking in on each other. It can be a little shocking in the middle of sex with a woman and suddenly there is a man hand snaking it’s way between us, ah man hand. Yah, sunshine and rainbows right?

What no one ever mentions about same room, same bed, be it soft or full swap, this can cause anxiety for some people. They might get overwhelmed by comparison for instance. Dudes can get in their head at the sight of another man’s penis, they could get in their heads if that other penis is bigger than theirs. First time I saw a big dick, like abnormally big dick, my first thought wasn’t oh this man is bigger than me, my first thought was oh that is not going to fit in my wife. Dicks are dicks, some are bigger, some are smaller, main point is does it work.

Ladies you ain’t immune to this either. Seeing another naked woman could cause feelings of insecurity about your own body.

People can get bothered by same room action. Oh my wife never makes those noises for me. Is he enjoying that blowjob too much? What happens if I come first? They might be more interested in the fantasy of it versus the doing, kind of like anal.

Couples like same room because having their partner there during the act offers comfort, offers protection within the act. They feel safer doing what they are doing knowing that their spouse is right there. They may also like to watch and I need to talk about that.

Another pervasive myth in the lifestyle, you have to enjoy watching your partner have sex. You have to be right there, all up in there. This is required. And it’s not true. A lot of people think this. I feel a lot of people put themselves in situations they are uncomfortable with because there is a narrative that we all have to enjoy same room, on the same bed at the same time. And you don’t. You can be honest and say you don’t. It is not a rejection of your spouse or their pleasure or the other couple. It may be something a person is not comfortable with and they shouldn’t force themselves into being comfortable.

I am honest about it. I don’t really care to watch other people have sex. Yes if it is my wife, alright cool. Other people, meh. I’m not a watcher kind of person. And to be honest, I don’t know what to do with my hands. Should I clap, cheer them on? Should I touch myself while making a creepy smile? What do I do with my hands? And do you stare at it? Blink a lot? Smile. Too much for my OCD brain to try and figure out. What am I supposed to do? Generally if I am involved, great and if I am not, might be time for a water break. Might be time to step out.

Which leads us to separate rooms, separate play, maybe separate bed. Here is a real example from the big book of Jason. Same bed can be problem for me. Because I am big. I am 200 pounds of muscle; my fucking shoulders are about 3 feet wide. I am not totally exaggerating here. Big fucking guy and trying to cram me plus three other people onto a queen-sized bed, gets tricky. I’m not in my head about my dick working, I am in my head about accidently elbowing someone or kicking them, or if I fuck to the point of exhaustion, I need an empty spot to crash down. I’m in my lane trying to do my thing and my gravity, the crater I am creating on this bed is causing the other people to fall in. Logistics come into play.

Separate beds and same room is possible. Get a fold-out couch for your bedroom then boom two beds. Or a couch. Or the floor, or against a wall. There are options here.

One of those options is separate room. This is a big step. This is heavy. Separate rooms could be two different bedrooms in a house or two separate hotel rooms. It is separation of spouses and partners. One consideration is the compersion aspect. If a couple really likes being a part of their spouses pleasure, definitely going to miss out on that one. Unless recording is involved, which can be fun with trusted people too.

What does a couple need for separate room play? Trust. There has to be a high level of trust with another couple for this to happen. For example, my wife, don’t fucking choke her. Not her thing at the fuck all and she ain’t going off with anyone unless I am completely confident that motherfucker ain’t going to try something when I am not around. Rules have to be established and everyone has to trust everyone else to respect those rules and boundaries. To me, separate play is a big deal. For me to trust another person with my wife, my most precious amazing beautiful wife, that’s commitment on my part and I don’t commit to anything lightly.

There are benefits to separate room. Focus. Instead of having another couple in the room making noises and having sex, two people can focus on each other without distractions. I like this. Don’t have to worry about accidently kicking someone. Another benefit is pacing. With same room, there is a compulsion, urge to keep on the same pace. If one couple is doing oral then the other couple does oral. If one couple switches to sex then the other couple switches. The truth is that’s bullshit. Everyone can fuck at their own pace. Some people will argue with me and I will argue back. Maybe I want to lick a pussy for ten minutes and the other dude skips it and goes straight for glory. That should be okay. Again a narrative out there that we all have to stay in sync and cum at the same time.

Branching off that is fully separate play. This leans towards more open marriage kind of thing. A wife will go off with a man while the husband does something else, maybe a friend instead. I don’t have a lot of experience with this dynamic to be honest. Not opposed to it, hasn’t come up that much.

Fully separate play exists in this weird middle ground between open marriage and swinging. Swinging should involve playing with our partners while an open marriage may not involve our partners. I don’t know. Hard to figure this one out. If that is a person’s preferred method, rock on. I would imagine it takes a lot of trust, probably some sexual gratification knowing what your partner is doing, enjoying the fantasy of it. I don’t know. Going to leave this one hanging.

Group play. Fucking orgies. Orgies are weird. Some couples only do orgies. Met a few and all I can think is, how the fuck you find all those people to get together and do an orgy? I did a whole episode on orgies so go listen to that one.

Group play is a lot. Multiple people having sex in a room together, it’s a lot of fucking. It is a lot of stimulation. Focusing is out the fucking window at this point. This is now a roller coaster of heathen activity, and we are all hanging on for dear life. Sometimes there is order, sometimes there is not. Sometimes there is an empty opportunity and people jump in. I remember in that other episode talking about surprise orgies, which do happen, versus planned orgies. Feelings that an orgy can cause. That happens too.

My only new guidance for orgies is keep an eye on your spouse. Make sure they are not left out of the fun. Check in on them during the activity and after. Do that. It’s real fucking easy to get that left out feeling, that unwanted feeling during an orgy. And make sure everyone gets a turn. If one lady gets spit roasted, offer the same to all the other ladies. Give everyone an equal chance to experience the fun. If I get a double blowjob, maybe my friend would like one as well.

All of these elements and considerations come back to identity, identity of play dynamics for a couple in the lifestyle, how we identify each other and ourselves to the greater community. This is not just logistics here. Not just who touches what and when and where. They are vital. Figuring out the correct identity marker makes life so much easier when you start and gives you a place to evolve from in the future if you want.

Labels are useful, especially in that elevator pitch. They speed up this whole process of finding people we click with. Helps to avoid awkward naked conversations about what people want in the moment. Some people shy away from labels and I ask why? They shy away from labels because they don’t want to be locked into an identity. Like they are freelance employees of the lifestyle. Today I am a chef, tomorrow I am a lawyer.

That’s not really what’s happening here. Labels, identity, play dynamics can change. We can change our preferences and that’s okay. There is no shame in changing play dynamics. I embrace the ability to change our personal dynamics whenever the hell we want. We are not afraid of a label of being full swap because we can just as easily be no swap. It comes down to we have power over our dynamic, no one else. I am not going to shy away from labeling ourselves because that is where we have power in this.

Unlike corporate working jobs that give you a title, here we make our own title, we make our own identity in a way that we are comfortable with, comfortable expressing, comfortable executing. That is a big difference between the vanilla world and the lifestyle, here have way more control over what we do and with who than out there among the non-spicy people.

The power over our dynamic is beautiful. We can try something once, decide nope don’t like that and we don’t have to identify ourselves with that dynamic ever again. Nothing is locked in. Do not embrace a dynamic that you are not comfortable with. Don’t tell people you are into really hardcore stuff in an attempt to sound cool or be part of the crowd. Stand by your personal dynamic.

Thank you for listening and tuning in every week. Make sure you tell a friend about the show. Thank you to the love of my life, my wife who is on this wonderful lifestyle journey with me.

If you want to reach out, ask a question, suggest a topic, send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com and the patreon is patreon.com/thatotherlifestyle. Send me a tip if you want at buymeacoffee.com/thatotherlifestyle.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Go to STDHero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% your order and get tested.

Whatever you may do today or tonight, I hope you do it with enthusiasm, consent, curiosity and a little bit of spice. You are appreciated, loved and I will see you for the next episode.