Episode 97

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies, a breeze on your back and sand between your toes. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about the last normal day.

This show is for adults only. We will talk about sex, relationships, the lifestyle, and Ethical non-monogamy in an honest way with lots of real talk. If you are under 18, this is your only warning to go find a different show right now. Around here, on the beaches of sex freedom, consent, education and good times, everyone is welcome, lifestyle, vanilla or the curious. Whatever your gender identity, expression, truth, flavor you are welcome here. I do my best to use inclusive language, though you may hear words like husband or wife or man or woman to keep things simple.

Want to connect? Send me at emailom/ to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order at STDHero.com. Testing takes a community to make a difference so get STI tested and be safe out there. For the best lifestyle parties, check out risquelifestyleparties.com. We love their vibe, attitude and always have fun and I promise you will too.

My wife and I have a strange unit of measurement for time, little notes on the calendar of each year. We call it the last normal day. We recognize the last day of our old normal lives before our lives change. Change happens. A natural part of life no matter how much we may embrace or fight it.

For some reason, life, the universe, God or the devil has a way of changing my life quickly, decisively. My wife and I are not the kind of people that get the slow buildup or gradual change of the seasons. No we are the kind that get the hurricane bearing down on us, standing in the storm, waiting for it to pass then we pick up the pieces and move on. We honor those days now, markers, important dates that let us see the contrast of our old selves. That’s what this episode is about, the divide between what we were and what we are now.

On the calendar every year, August 12^th, we recognize as the last day of normal. Now I need to add a new one. A new date to recognize as another holiday on the calendar.

We came up with this unit of measurement ten years ago. August 12^th, 2016 was our last normal day before we lost our home in a flood on August 16^th, 2016. I still remember that day, August 12^th because it started raining. It rained nonstop for days, a pouring angry sky that made the river close to our house rise from 6 feet to 44 feet. 20 inches of rain in four or five days.

The great flood of Baton Rouge as it is called. Was not a hurricane. A very pissed off rain storm. We evacuated on August 16^th, the gravity of it all hitting us the whole way as we left. The gravity of our old life ending. You wake up one day and it’s normal. You go through the motions, go through the routine, blissfully unaware that it is the last normal day. Ignorant that all those routines and actions, that’s the last time you will do them. There is gravity, power, unseen waves of ethereal finality in those moments and we didn’t know. Never know.

I won’t say our vanilla lives ended then but our lives did end. I lost my job right after because my boss got angry that while I was techincally homeless, I could not cover meetings on the other side of the state. We had to replace everything we owned. Little things no one thinks about like nail clippers. There was a night after the flood, I was standing in a Walgreens looking for nail clippers, soft music playing in the empty store and it felt like a funeral procession. 11pm at night, a final dirge of death playing under neon lights.

There is a second date on the calendar we observe as another last normal day. We can have as many last normal days as we want. This one is I believe just as important as observing the last normal day before the flood because it also had such a huge impact on our lives.

The last normal day of being vanilla. It was a Saturday in March a couple of years ago that a couple reached out to us to do lunch the next day. Four days later, on a Thursday night we had our first full swap. Got Burger King on the way home, felt like the feast after a battle. I recognize now the last day of our vanilla lives. The yearly reminder of when everything changed and we made the jump into ethical non-monogamy. We may honor our the date of our first full swap but that Saturday, before the rapid cascade of events that lead to that first full swap, was so normal in hindsight.

I like recognizing special dates on a calendar. Anniversaries of friendships, birthdays, special occasions. The first time we meet new friends or the last time we speak to old friends. Pretty soon the whole year will be full of silent memorials, joys or scars clouded the calendar.

 Just something I do. Which now leads me into recognizing and officially designating a new last normal day. Last Sunday, nothing special happened. I got up, worked out, and we went grocery shopping. Totally normal day. Then Monday happened, March 16^th, 2026 started as a perfectly normal Monday morning for me. Me and my team lead prepped for a webinar. I scribbled notes for my podcast script between client meetings and generally a happy day. I woke up feeling good. Feeling better than I have in months. Mental health back to 100%. Body sore from a good workout.

At work, I had a little meeting slip onto my calendar, a 15 minute meeting called Quick Team meeting at 2pm. Didn’t think anything of it. Should have. I have been in corporate America long enough to know better. When there is a big team meeting that gets dropped on your calendar out of nowhere, never fucking good. Raises and bonuses are shared in private conversations; no bosses like to do the shit news as a group activity.

Go to the meeting and I am informed that me and about 30 other people are getting laid off. Bye bye source of steady income, get the fuck out. All your hard work and those little award you got every quarte for going above and beyond, mean nothing. Really wasn’t like that. They were actually super nice about it, as kind as they could be.

March 15^th, that Sunday, is now another last day of normal for me and I barely remember what we even did that day. I know we talked about events coming up this year, my wife excited for all the parties and dressing up. I know the weather outside was beautiful. A normal Sunday.

March 16th, getting laid off from my job. No warning. No water cooler gossip giving me hints that it might happen. Nope. Out of the blue like a lightning bolt. A simple meeting and now my life is in chaos. Fuck me I liked my old gig. They treated me great. Super nice company to work for and now it’s gone.

Now I have to join the glorious battle of finding a new job. In the lifestyle, might be five conversations to find new sexy friend, a manageable ratio between reward and rejection. In the job market, a thousand applications turn into one interview and that doesn’t even guarantee a job. That’s just to talk to someone about the job. It’s daunting and can be depressing though I have decided to make my OCD superpowers useful for once and attack this.

This means daily applying for jobs, full focus, no breaks. I didn’t appreciate March 15^th because I didn’t know how much life would change on the other side of March 16^th. I didn’t appreciate the last normal day of this year.

Which as a side note, breaking the narrative here, if you know anyone who might be interested in a client relationship manager, customer retention, lifecycle management, corporate buzzwords for sales, stunt dick, let me know. Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com and I will send back my resume. Oh Jayson, that’s tacky to appeal to your audience. I agree but I also like being able to eat and pay bills. We can talk about the job search later.

Last normal day. The last day you wake and life is normal enough. The day before the wind gets sucked out of the room, the cliff falls away beneath you, life changing moments when the darkness arrives or the dawn breaks. You know these moments. Looking back on a day and realizing it was significant in its insignificance. Like the first time you make eye contact with a man who gives you that butterfly feeling, like the first time you dance with a new friend, the first time you say hello.

It’s funny how my brain works. I remember little details of encounters, what a person is wearing, the tone of their voice, maybe a few words. Can’t remember names for shit though. It’s like my mind is trying to record everything in case it becomes important later, trained to gather the insignificant, looking for significance.

Looking back, realizing how special a day was and you never knew it. Poetic and tragic really. Sunday March 15th this year was the last normal day I will have for a while until I get a new gig. Important because I wasn’t paying attention.

I also call out the last normal day of being vanilla. It also happened in March, a couple of years ago. The date on the calendar in memorial of when we were not swingers, not lifestyle, still vanilla. I recognize the point in time when we weren’t ethically non monogamous. Before we changed, before we took the ride.

For us, joining the lifestyle, deciding to become Ethically non monogamous, was and still is a big deal. It was a big decision for us that I feel we agonize over more now that we are in the lifestyle than in the days leading up to our first swap. Leading up to it, there wasn’t a whole lot of discussion. We just did it. Went hard and heavy our first time.

Everyone’s journey to the line is different. I know couples who stumbled into this by deciding to go to an adult’s only resort because they didn’t want to be around a bunch of kids on vacation. Sometimes the story involves a hot tub and too many margaritas or a smut book given life. Maybe it’s a couple in a bar asking the right questions. Fantasies are shared through fear and tears or maybe they make this leap to fix or repair.

Whatever the reason, however, a couple decides to take the ride, step into the elevator, unsure what is going to happen when they hit that button, life changes. And yeah, people may not be as dramatic about it as I am portraying it. Don’t care. It feels like a dramatic kind of day.

The lifestyle, swinging, fucking around with friends, isn’t a big deal to everyone. Just another hobby like cornhole or a family vacation to an amusement park. Fun for a weekend then back to normalcy. I don’t have the benefit of turning the lifestyle off so I exist wholly on this side waiting for people to come to meet me upstairs, when the elevator doors open, where the wild shit happens.  I can’t go back downstairs to the proverbial lobby of life with all the normal people. That sounds way too boring now.

This concept is it bigger than the lifestyle. It could be the day before a medical diagnosis, or remembering the last time someone was genuinely happy or remembering the day when something good happened. The change. The shift. It could be seismic or so subtle it is not noticed for years.

Beyond swinging, I like this idea because it honors our lives in a way that feels special. It honors the mundane motions we go through. It honors the peace before the storm. That may not be a happy peace but sometimes people will struggle to return to that peace because it is the only peace they can remember. The lifestyle does not always bring peace that people are looking for, it can be messy and chaotic and dramatic and full of regret, leaving a man desperate for peace again, however boring. Boring is safe. The time before all the chaos, remembered fondly, longed for, wondering if they can reverse the ride.

Joining the lifestyle, opening up a marriage is a big deal. It should be a big deal. There is no going back from this. I know couples like to advertise themselves as just dipping in their toes. Looking for connections first and seeing where it goes. Look, let’s be honest, you tend to look at your wife differently after you see her dicked down by another man. Usually feel a little different about life after you are face deep in the vagina of a woman you are not married to. This has gravity and weight. That’s why remembering the last day is important because the contrast is so sharp, we need a way to measure it and appreciate it.

I am not the one to sit here and convince anyone to become swingers. That’s not my business or my place. I am the one standing there when the elevator doors open, waiting to tell people there is no going back with a chuckle. Elevator is busted and the only option to go back down is the stairs. And that takes work. Each floor is a reminder of how far a couple was willing to go and now they have to go back down to normalcy. Those proverbial elevator doors are a line of demarcation in a couple’s life.

No amount of alcohol will make someone forget what they did, no amount of therapy can erase that decision from marriage. It is a decision that should be made from a place knowing that there is no going back. Just like us with the flood, there was no going back to our old lives. The actions of one night could be framed as cheating, could be framed as infidelity, could be framed as coercion, could be framed as the final nail in a marriage. Heavy shit.

We couldn’t go back to our lives before the flood no more than we can go back to our vanilla lives. The water washed away our old lives just like the heat of a new lover will burn a new couple in the most beautiful way possible.

The day after the last day, the day of change that’s the one most people will remember though. They will remember the emotions, the feelings, the chaos, maybe the peace depending on the day. When I win the lottery, because at this point in my personal story, I think that’s the kind of chaos the universe likes to hand me, I am going to record the moment I tell my wife. Make it go viral. Yeah, that kind of moment, I want to preserve for historical significance.

I feel a lot of advice for newbies that are in that liminal stage, the elevator of choice, between the decision to do this and the point of no return, don’t properly convey the gravity of what will happen. It’s all pineapples and sunshine and smiles and encouragement. And then there is me, getting on the elevator with them with resting murder face, dressed up like a devil, probably inebriated, giving them a half smile knowing what’s on the other side. You can’t go back. Only forward.

A couple could try this once and stop, sure. That’s allowed. Do whatever the fuck you want. Try it and decide to stop. Still happened. Still left a mark on the soul. Still changes a person.

The lifestyle changes your identity. Becoming Ethical Non-Monogamous changes you. It changes your perception of yourself. I am no longer vanilla, the default mode of everyone else, I am something different, wild, free, open. It is rejection of societal norms; it is the embrace of an alternative lifestyle. The changes that come the day after, the new emotional weather the vanilla world does not prepare anyone for, it is here and has to be dealt with.

The best way to share this is around jealousy. The vanilla world does not prepare us at the fuck all for the kind of jealousy that the lifestyle can throw at us. Vanilla jealousy that shit is basic compared to the kind we have to deal with. Oh no your husband looked at another woman’s ass, big fucking deal. How about the emotions when a couple rejects one couple then runs off and fucks a different couple at a house party? Yeah that’s some complicated emotions. Rejection, anger, jealousy mixing together to make a stew of confusion and feelings.

A new couple in this has to change their perceptions of so many emotions and outlooks and ways they handle each other and others. It is a full on identity shift that incorporates ideals and etiquette that half of us learn mid-stream. A person’s self worth shifts dramatically. Suddenly at 40 they have to start worrying about being attractive and shaving their buttholes and flirting, all these skills and concerns that can atrophy in the vanilla life.

In my adult life, I have been laid off a few times and I have learned to not associate my self worth with my job. My identity as a person is not tied to a title or a position or how I receive income. When people ask what I do or did in this case I would say sales consultant. It is the most succinct way to describe it. The whole title was very long and mysterious and corporate sounding, and technically I had four titles at one point,  which would then illicit questions about my work and I don’t want to answer those questions when I am trying to have fun. It’s boring and not sexy. Now this podcast, yeah that’s sexy.

The last normal day implies a change in a person there is a line here that has been crossed and cannot be uncrossed. That implies a change in identity. Now I am currently going through one of those changes in identity, going from employed to unemployed, definitely a culture shock to my system. Joining the lifestyle is also a culture shock, it is also a change in identity. Now I will hopefully be employed again soon so my identity will change. Joining the lifestyle, that change in identity is permanent. Yeah, you can deny anything happened, you can never do lifestyle shenanigans again but it remains. You did it.

Using the last normal day as a framing device for our lives, works. We can recognize that change in identity, honor it, hate it, love it, whatever needs to be done. It gives form to the formless moment that life did change. For those experienced people out there, what does your life look like now after jumping in?

For us, we certainly have a lot more to talk about. Weekends are more fun. We have a social life. I now have a fantasy involving gallons of lube, a kiddie pool and a willing friend that I can’t shake. Overall I would say that our life on the other side, is better. I know now that we can’t go back though. We have contemplated stopping the lifestyle in some fashion and it isn’t feasible anymore. To disconnect, to sever, to change back to vanilla, I know we can’t. I know people who have been in this as long as us, longer, they can’t.

The lifestyle is sticky like that. Beyond the friendships that are made, the lifestyle sticks around. Having to purge my house of all the pineapple stuff I now own would be a bitch.

The biggest change I have noticed and felt is when I hang out with vanilla people. It feels constrained, like I am living a lie. The vanilla world makes people where a mask of civility. It’s the end of the fucking world if a nipple pops out.

We can’t be our true selves and no one realizes it, notices it until they walk through those elevator doors. Hanging out with vanilla people, family, friends whatever flavor, lifestyle people can’t be authentic. Topics are off limits, conversations have to be limited. We can’t share what we actually did last weekend, instead a white lie must suffice. There is a point of realization where the lifestyle identity becomes the truth underneath and the vanilla world gets the mask.

Need a real life example. Text messages. Vanilla people get a text message, they will pick up their phone with no hesitation, look at it, show it off, wave around the message they got for everyone to look at it. Come on every body take a look at the cookies grandma baked.

Not lifestyle people. We now have to worry if that text message is going to be a nude, a dick pic, a proposition or random sexy talk. Gotta hide the screen or check it in the bathroom. Happened to me recently. Having lunch with a relative and I get sexy texts. What the fuck. And of course I have to look, of course I have to hold my phone under the table and look and of course my relative noticed. There is a nude waiting for me. I need this.  Fuck yes I am going to look, company be damned. Oh I looked and sure as shit they asked, who are you texting with? I can’t be honest and say a woman that I have put my penis in repeatedly and hope to do so again. So had to tell a little white lie that time. Told them it was my wife, who was sitting next to me at that exact moment and then I changed the subject.

Another example of how life changes after joining the lifestyle, after that last normal day, conversations between spouses change. It goes from how was your day to how was that dick? It goes from oh we need to pick up some milk later to don’t forget the hoe bag. Instead of how was your run it becomes hey want to fuck some people tonight? Subtle right.

A person’s relationship to sex changes. Instead of being a grand gesture with build up, maybe done from obligation in extreme cases, it becomes easier in so many ways. Instead of date night and flowers and convincing someone to have sex with you, it becomes something friends do. No great build up, simple question, hey want to get naked and put my pecker in your mouth?

This aspect blows people’s minds. How nonchalant sex can become. I am at the point now, dates are fun but we know where we all want this to end up so how about we skip the dinner and go straight to the fucking. I see this with newbies. They want to make the experience a big production and I cut straight through that. Instead of dinner and a bar and dressing up, just come over in pajamas. Easy. Sex becomes easier.

And harder. Sex has a different meaning when other people are involved. Emotions stir that would never surface in a vanilla marriage. Yeah, there may be jealousy if a wife catches her husband checking out another woman. Yeah, possible but it is nothing compared to the jealousy that can arise when actual sex with another couple is involved and the nuances of it. I like sharing the orgy example. Tell a vanilla person that you felt left out of the orgy and they shrug and laugh and say at least you go to go to an orgy. Tell a lifestyle person you felt left out of the orgy and they get it. They get the deeper meaning and impacts of that feeling.  

Morality changes. This one needs to be addressed even though I try to stay away from morality around here. Sex becomes decoupled from marriage. Sex becomes a fun activity. Sex becomes different. The outlook on sex changes. Physical intimacy no longer holds the same position in a marriage as it did. Not lower, not higher, different. Sex still matters yes but it matters differently. It is no longer only good people have sex inside a marriage. It becomes good people tell the truth, good people honor their marriage as they can, respect boundaries, protect, cause no harm, consent. All that. Sex blossoms into something else. Something that can be shared safely with others without disrupting a marriage. Exclusivity becomes consent. Possession becomes agreement. It is no longer this is right because society said so, it opens up to become this is right because we said so and we respect it.

The last day matters because what comes after that last day matters. It could be a life changing natural disaster like the flood we went through, it could be losing a job or it could be joining the lifestyle. The significance of a day is only known once it has passed and everything changes. Those changes could be bad or they could be really good. They could be things that no one ever truly recovers from or open a whole new chapter of a person’s life. Remember the last days. Fill up the calendar with memorials to when life changes, appreciate the change and take the ride.

As I said earlier, I now sit in my office, looking for a new battle, a new vanilla job. Podcasting and content creation is fun but it is not enough. I am throwing this out into the universe and all my listeners. I am not broken, I am not stopped, I am looking for a new adventure. Shit happens. In the middle of an orgy we like to pretend the fun will never stop, the vanilla world doesn’t exist outside the walls of a room with blacklights but it does. Eventually the passion fades, the lube dries, we get dressed and go back to work on Monday. Well not me, not right now.

I need a new adventure. I need a new job, a new place that I may land ready to do client relations and sales and talking and presenting. Anyone who wants to help in my quest, my email address is host@thatotherlifesytle.com. Reach out and let’s see what happens.

While I may be bowed, I am not broken. I am starting a Patreon which is patreon.com/thatotherlifestyle for anyone who wants to support the show, support me and get more. Chasing money, being rich, flashy, that’s not me. My prayer to God, the divine the universe is simple, fuck me, feed me and give me a warm place to sleep. Give me enough to share, give me enough to provide and take care of my friends and pets. Give me enough so no stranger or friend who shows up at my door leaves with nothing.

There is a quote I love, when you have more than you need, build a longer table, not a higher wall. Maybe that’s what this Patreon is. My way of building a longer table for more people to enjoy the lifestyle with me, with us. I like that. Yeah I can get behind that.

My passion is writing. The blank white page is where I go to live, to express, process. I enjoy it. I could be happy writing 5000 words every day. This is my happy place, sitting in my office at 4:36 am with my coffee and Bart the cat next to me in a bathrobe. I never wanted to ask my audience for money directly. Support STDHero and Risque. They mean a lot to me and I get a few dollars from my promo code.

Maybe it is time though. Maybe it is time I offer more. With a Patreon I can offer more than just audio once a week. Check out the Patreon page for all the bonus content you can get.

Patreon.com/thatotherlifestyle.

I have two tiers, 4.99 a month if you want to support the show. You get everything for that price. I also have a $99 a month tier because fuck it, I get enough of those, and I don’t have to go back to Corporate America.

Take a look, no pressure, I will still give everyone a big hug in person regardless if they are members. Everyone has a place in my hall and at my table. We are all on this wild journey together and that matters. Oh Jason, is there going to be a dedicated community online for the show? I don’t know yet. Let me think about it.

Don’t want to commit to Patreon but you still like me. You can buy me a coffee, send me a tip, just the tip to buymeacoffee.com/thatotherlifestyle. It can be a cold brutal world out there and every little bit helps. Every little bit makes someone’s day better. Go text a friend today. Let them know they matter.

Thank you for listening and tuning in every week. Make sure you tell a friend about the show. Thank you to the love of my life, my wife who is on this wonderful lifestyle journey with me.

If you want to reach out, ask a question, suggest a topic, send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com and the patreon is patreon.com/thatotherlifestyle

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Go to STDHero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% your order and get tested.

Whatever you may do today or tonight, I hope you do it with enthusiasm, consent, curiosity and a little bit of spice. You are appreciated, loved and I will see you for the next episode.