Episode 96

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies, a breeze on your back and sand between your toes. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk marketing.

This show is for adults only. We will talk about sex, relationships, the lifestyle, and Ethical non-monogamy in an honest way with lots of real talk. If you are under 18, this is your only warning to go find a different show right now. Around here, on the beaches of sex freedom, consent, education and good times, everyone is welcome, lifestyle, vanilla or the curious. Whatever your gender identity, expression, truth, flavor you are welcome here. I do my best to use inclusive language, though you may hear words like husband or wife or man or woman to keep things simple.

Want to connect? Send me at email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order at STDHero.com. Testing takes a community to make a difference so get STI tested and be safe out there. For the best lifestyle parties, check out risquelifestyleparties.com. We love their vibe, attitude and always have fun and I promise you will too.

Before I get into the episode, I will be launching something new soon. Oh Jason you said that last year and didn’t do shit. Well now I am doing it. Putting together a yet to be named new awesome project. I never want to ask or take from people without giving back something I think is of equal or better value and I think I finally figured it out. To the episode heathens!

The blank white page. The bane of creators, artists and writers throughout time. A space of empty that mocks those with ideas to share with it’s barren invite to attempt. Last week I shared with everyone that I no longer wake up at 2am and write that much. I then proved myself completely fucking wrong by waking up early Monday morning, after a weekend of partying, unable to sleep. Nothing wrong, no lingering thoughts or regrets about the weekend to sift through, nothing to spin up and spin through my mind, this time I got up because I needed to look at this white page on my computer and write.

That bastard obligation of needing a script for the week, I wanted to attack it with force early Monday morning. Fired up and ready, coffee in hand, cat on my desk, yes, ready to write something, anything. Wisdom, jokes, mistakes, stories. Write damn it. But what to write?

Some people look at a blank page with dread and apprehension. The looming lack of substance staring at them in the face, taunting them to do something, anything. The white page making a defiant stand, waving its proverbial arms wide, calling the warriors of wit to dare scrawl a mark on its pristine beauty. I woke up determined this morning, wrapped in a bathrobe, yes ready now to conquer this page because it is new. And therein lies the idea.

The newness, the novelty of even a simple act of writing out a script is exciting. What will this be? What potential lies here in these words to share? What conversations or ideas will it spark to the listener? Questions, doubts, inspiration, passion, regret, connection? Just like the questions and doubts and inspiration and passion and regrets and connections that new friendships in the lifestyle can cause, that lovely objectifying moment at a hotel takeover when two people lock eyes at a hotel takeover and both decide, independently if that stranger is good, sexy, appealing? Compelling? How do we decide if that couple is worthy of this blank white page? Can we write a story with them or crumble up the paper and move on? What is the process for making that decision in a moment, in a text, in a conversation?

Between two couples, across the dance floor, stretches a white empty page, light up by colored lights. What story could exist between them? Which one is brave enough to take a step closer, to strike the first key, to make the first word come alive and which one will let writer’s block win?

Writer’s block is right bitch. It happens. I write thousands of words every week and there are times when I have no idea what I am trying to say. The way I deal with it is to just blurt out onto the page what I want to say. No eloquence. No wordsmithing. Just blurting it out. Said simply and direct. Then the editing, then the making it sound pretty part.

In real life we don’t get that. We stand in front of a couple we are interested in, the words we want to say a jumble in our throats, worried that they will land wrong when really all we have to do is blurt it out.

What do you want? What do you want to say? What do you want this other person to know. What will be the first words you put down on that empty page?  Just blurt it out. That’s how writer’s block is handled. That’s how conversation is handled. That is the first strike of the pen as we figure out who this other couple is.

Personally, I don’t break writer’s block with wistful watching outside a window or calm breaks or walks through nature or cupping a mug of tea in two hands with a cardigan draped over my shoulders. I’m not sure why that image is in my mind when I think of writer’s block.

None of that works for me. Just blurt it out onto the page or to a person and let those words hit. Let the words pierce another person’s mind and soul and let them now hold those words, roll them around in their head and see what happens. Give a compliment, walk up and say hi, be brave and yell out sit on my face. Be brave because that piece of white paper will be empty, the story of two couples will be empty, until someone makes a move. A conversation is empty until someone says anything. The worst that will happen is they say no and the page stays empty, ready for another person to write a story with you.

There is a lot of potential in a white page, just like there is potential in a new engagement, one night stand, friendships or more in the lifestyle. We never really know where anything will go in life like we never know what the story will end up being when we write or create. A chance meeting at a bar, eyes locked, can lead to the best friendships or a missed connection. A dance at a hotel takeover can lead to wanting and disappointment. A yes from four people can lead to amazing sex or that icky feeling after and an awkward conversation with your spouse on the ride home. That’s what makes the lifestyle fun.

One of the driving factors in many people joining the lifestyle is novelty. The novelty of sex and friendships and partying, the break from the mundane lives, the experience of a new sexual partner in a safe and accepting manner without worry of infidelity. Even for couples who have been in this for years, we can still get fired up by a new experience, lost in the lust for a new person. It’s beautiful. We can become desensitized sure, it takes a lot more to get our attention, but when someone does grab our attention, they got it.

That attention though has a cost. We have to ask is this worth our limited resources of time and attention. Those calculations we run are our personal vetting process. Not a formal checklist so much as a read of vibes, concentric rings of acceptance of others starting with the physical and working inward towards the fuckable.

When most people start in the lifestyle their vetting process is either wide open or very narrow. All those people who had a very broad selection criteria when they started are now cringing because I am calling it out. No need to cringe, most of us have been there. Unsure of what we wanted or liked, willing to entertain the most noxious behavior because when people start in the lifestyle, all attention is good attention. In time we realize that is not true and learn to read the flags better, learn what qualities in others we find attractive, actually attractive not just available in the moment.

Other people start in this with the narrowest criteria possible then wonder why they are always disappointed. Wonder why they can’t find a person who matches the exact criteria they have written down on the page. They go to events and look online with their white page already filled out like a demented mad lib, all they need is a name to finish the story they have already written.

In time, experience gives way to knowing and knowing what a couple wants and are attracted to makes the moments when you find it, so special. It allows a person to lose themselves in the story, confident in their selections and choices.

Losing oneself in the looking, the longing, same as when I write a script and have no idea where the overall story will go. Sometimes it all comes together quickly, like sex with a new couple can. Consent is quick, conversations are quick and it all locks together. The flow state achieved where I can write out a thousand words in an hour or make a woman laugh. The narrative may fight back, the potential with a new couple may fight back. Schedules, life, vanilla bullshit conspire to delay, the words of the story do not want to come together.

That’s a point of decision, continue trying to try and write beautiful words, try to connect with that couple after months of persistence, or give up. Accept the time that was sunk into it, decide to move on and find a better story to write. I can’t tell you how many scripts I have started and thrown out. Half the time I don’t even save them. Slightly underbaked ideas that never came together, deleted from the universe. I can’t tell you how many connections unconnected because of timing or lack of effort on everyone or no one’s part.

I can say from experience persistence does pay off. That couple that could take six months to finally have a date with, usually end up being the best friends. The mutual desire, fucking worth it. How rare is in in the world that people pursue and try for months on anything? Our brains are now trained on 15 seconds of attention at a time, furiously swiping the instant we are no longer hooked.

 Oh if we can’t fuck this couple tonight, right now in the next ten minutes, then it is not worth pursuing past the dawn. This whole event was pointless, waste of fucking time and I will never go back because we didn’t get laid by random strangers tonight. Woe unto us. If all the stars do not align right now, then what’s point? We trade ease of access for the potential of long-term growth. Drinking the cheap whiskey instead of letting it age, then complain about the hangover the next morning while staring at your spouse, not with regret but indifference towards the whole night.

Newness is beautiful in its emptiness, pursuit is passion, the words spilling onto a blank page, but often pages stay blank for a reason. There is tension here. The tension of what could be, running cost benefit, risk reward analysis on another person, our vetting process in action. In that tension lies the decisions we make whether to pursue a couple or a partner and how much of that decision is dictated by lust.

Lust on it’s surface is simply wanting the new. There is a connotation of sex woven into the spine of that concept, maybe something naughty or sinful. For our purposes, lust is pure wanting, lacking a better word to denote what I want to convey, lust will suffice independent of any moral coloring. We can lust, sensations, people. Lust is the deviation from the norm. The norm we are told to accept every day, the routine and rituals that bring order to life, trap us. We don’t notice the darkness until there is a light, no matter how dim. The smallest light shines brightest in the darkest room. Lust is the little light telling us that there is more, there is something more to this story.

In the lifestyle, lust must be balanced between desire and discernment. Pure sexual radiant lust for another person, I can tell everyone from experience, can be a painful wild experience that fucking lingers on the soul and in hard conversations, leads to ruin and woe. That desire will drown out every thought and reason. It will make the sane man crazy and the calmest woman hysterical. Desire is strong and can lead to disappointing sex, the kind of sex that you need to go masturbate after to feel something, the kind of sex that makes you wonder what was the point, the kind of sex that leads to your spouse taking one for the team.

The other extreme, discernment cranked up to 11, usually motivated by either standards that are never achievable or attainable or trauma suffered from previous unenjoyable encounters. People who hold themselves to such high standards that nothing is good enough, they will always be disappointed by their hubris.

We must weave between these two extremes, balancing desire and discernment to figure out if it is worth taking off our pants. Desire is simple. It is the that surge of adrenaline caused by another person. It is want. Am I attracted to this person on a physical, mental or emotional level? Do not discount the mental or emotional sides. I hear often from people that someone may not be their type physically, but personality goes a long way. We all have preferences. I think I did an episode on that. It is okay to have preferences but don’t let those preferences for physical features lock you in or lock you out of any possibilities.

Discernment is the rational side of the process. To discern is this person worth me sharing my body, my time and attention with. It is honesty in motion. And we should be honest with ourselves about attraction. Too often people fall into the trap of a looking physically stunning sexy potential fuck buddies, and the experience leaves them unfulfilled because that sexy person has the sexual prowess of a soggy pillow.

Desire and discernment balanced on the edge of a piece of paper. Attraction and decisions to be made. Desire is easy to define. Do you want to fuck them? Discernment though. That’s trickier.

Discernment is a lot at one time to process. Is there physical attraction? Time for a real life example. I have a big luxurious beard. It is soft because I use a lot of products on it. I know for a fact that I have been discerned by women as unappealing because of my beard. Straight up X’ed out of any possibility because I have facial hair. No chance to let my charming personality or oral sex abilities shine because I have been deemed physically unacceptable. I know this. I have been told this.

Is it a personal attack against me? No. They probably had bad experience with a beard that was not as soft and luxurious and now they will find all men with beards unattractive. Or they think it looks like I have pubes on my face. Whatever the reason, they have their criteria and I do not fit it.

As my wife says, you will not be everyone’s cup of tea. Accept it. People will look at you at an event or a sex club or online and immediately make snap judgements about you and their physical attraction to you in two seconds. This is a harsh reality of the lifestyle. But Jason, if they get to know me then maybe. Yes. Maybe. Is it worth it? Remember you also have control in this process. You also have a part of this story to write and if someone immediately decides your pen is not worthy of their paper, is it worth it?

That sounds mean. Yes. I think there have been situations where women who don’t like beards, changed their minds about my attractiveness after talking to me. I have not polled anyone to have hard data on that one. I can’t say never. But that requires talking to me and if someone is unwilling to talk to me based on my looks or your looks then what the fuck is the point? My time and attention and attraction is just as limited as other people, as limited as yours.

Sexy does not make up for shitty, or sometimes it does. Everyone seem to have their own sliding scale of the bullshit they will tolerate in other people; how much is sexy weighted in the vetting process. People are willing to overlook bad personalities if the attraction is strong enough. I have seen this, probably guilty of it myself. Oh it’s okay that dude constantly negs me and is dumb as a box of rocks, he’s cute. Or oh look this woman has a strong mean girl vibes and is constantly insulting and gossiping about people, but she sure is sexy. This happens. I have no guidance on this. It’s a quirk of the lifestyle, horny brain takes over and people will forgive or ignore a lot of behavior to get their dicks wet.

Physical attraction is a highly personal and objective viewpoint. Attraction period is highly personal and objective and oh so fucking complicated. What are the qualities that you find attractive in another person? What is on the checklist for fuckery and friendship? Measuring a person against this checklist is discernment.

Discernment in action is vetting. We are vetting other couples to see if they are worthy, wanted and welcome to write a new page with us. Vetting. The vetting process. Figuring out if a new couple is good, bad, ugly or weird. Our process has certainly evolved and anyone in the lifestyle will sympathize with this.

Like I mentioned when a couple starts in the lifestyle I feel they will go one of two ways, either everyone is good and worthy because you lack reference or everyone is bad and no one is good enough. Either every couple is worth the time or no couple is worth the time. Standards so damn high no one can meet them or no idea that standards exists. When people are new at this, all attention can feel like good attention no matter the couple. With no frame of reference on what is a red flag or what is concerning behavior, the vetting process probably does not have many steps to it. Oh this couple sent us a message, good enough for a date. Oh they are willing, fuck it let’s take off some clothes.

Or the other side, the couple has very exacting criteria. They are looking for a single woman, blonde, between 5’2 and 5’4, exactly 103 pounds who is bisexual and willing to participate in a threesome on a Thursday night at 6:03 pm. She must smell like lavender, have no tattoos, shoe size 6, on and on an on. Am I exaggerating, yes but not by much.

Physical attraction is what it is and people can figure that out on their own. Looks get your attention, looks convince you to pull out a blank page and wave it at a couple, asking hey will you write a story with us. Looks start the vetting process. But it’s not the whole process. It shouldn’t be. Okay yes for some people it is. This other person is attractive, I would like to put my penis in their mouth. I have no intentions of continuing a relationship with these people beyond tonight so there is no need to go through the whole checklist. Horny and willing. Check. Let’s fucking go.

There is more. There could be more depending on what a couple is looking for. My wife and I are not sport fuckers or one night stand kind of people. I will go to an event and decide not to fuck around if I am not feeling the kind of connection I want. Yes, we have a long fucking vetting process because what we want is hard to find, we invest a lot into our relationships and this matters to us. For us, we like repeat business.

If you are interested bang once and move on, do it. No fucking judgement from me. Everyone does the lifestyle differently with different dynamics. Those dynamics matter. The dynamics between two couples have to align. Step back. Two parts to alignment.

Alignment as a couple. Are both people actually fucking interested in this? Is one person doing all the work and other one tagging along? Is one person doing all the talking and the other person, you can hear wind whistling through their ears cause they don’t give a shit. Is the wife and husband appearing, feeling like they are mutually interested in the other couple? I have seen this shit. Okay maybe the wife is the public relations for the marriage and does all the talking and the guy is quiet but come the fuck on dude, act like you want to be here, act like my wife is interesting and you are attracted to her. Do something that tells a person, yes you want this.

Do their personalities come off as performative? Like are they pretending to act like what they think swinges act like? Are they obsessed with sex, bringing up sex every two minutes? Inquiring about sex? Horny motherfuckers with all the depth of a puddle here.

Other part of alignment, sexual alignment, we need sexual compatibility beyond, damn I think this woman is attractive and I would like to have sex with her mouth. If a couple is full swap and this other couple is soft swap, there is some disconnect here. If this couple is only into same room and this one like separate, I don’t know how to physically align those two. People assume chemistry will magically fix mismatches in style and it doesn’t. It again leads to meh.

Whatever style is in play, has to be agreed upon. Does not always have to be wife A has sex with husband B and wife B has sex with husband A. You can do it where only two people have sex and the other people watch or hang out or do crafts together. As long as it is agreed upon and everyone is cool and consenting, make it work. As long as everyone is cool and consenting and communicates it.

Which leads into communication. Can this couple articulate what they want and actually mean it? Oh we are soft swap and then mid-way through they share a look and declare they are full swap and want to start the real fucking. No motherfucker we ain’t doing that. We talked about this ahead of time and agreed to a dynamic and we ain’t changing it because ya’ll two suddenly decided to go all the way while I am naked with a hard dick. That’s a big red flag and I’m putting my pants back on.

Talking about conversation in general, if a couple wants to immediately talk about sex, some people dig that. Go for it. My bigger concern is awkward conversations. Here is a good rule to keep. If the conversation is awkward and forced, the sex will be awkward and forced. Rarely and I can’t think of a time that this rule has not held true in my personal experience, if we can’t have a conversation like grown people, the sex will be meh.

Even a conversation dedicated to dick pics and squirting, still needs to flow, still needs human participants involved and interacting and you can gain a lot of knowledge for your vetting process by just having a conversation with someone. opu

If you tell this couple no, how to do they handle it? Do they show emotional maturity? Look I have met people in their 50s and 60s who have all the emotional maturity of a horny 15 year loaded on energy drinks, looking to punch drywall and play with knives. If a delay or sharing boundaries creates a hint of tension or sulking or pressure, yeah time to reconsider this shit. If a couple wants to bust out the emotional manipulation or guilt when you share that you can’t hang out with them, walk the fuck away. We ain’t here for that. Life happens. Delays happen. Disconnects happen. We are all adults who need to understand that and give each other grace, not guilt trips.

Which leads me to lifestyle fit. Does the way this other couple handle and do the lifestyle fit with what you are looking for? If someone values discretion and you can’t take this couple out in public, that is a problem. If they prefer sex clubs and you prefer quiet nights playing board games that involve stripping, there is a disconnect here on how couples want to experience the lifestyle.

Not sure how to move smoothly to this one. Safety. Physical, emotional, sexual safety. If a couple makes someone feel unsafe on a date or in communication, that’s a red fucking flag. Safety needs to be on a couple’s vetting process checklist. Couple of components to this one. Physical safety. Do you and your spouse feel safe around these people? Jason that sounds a bit extreme. No it does not. We are meeting strangers off the internet who happen to have the same sexual desires as us. Just because they are swingers does not make them automatically safe people. Does not automatically mean that it is safe to leave your wife alone with that dude. Does not mean that other woman is safe. Always meet in a neutral public place the first time you interact with a couple in person. Always.

Physical safety also applies to digital communication. Do not share nudes with people you have not met in person and trust. You don’t know where those pictures could end up. You don’t. We have a personal rule we do not share nudes with anyone until we have met them in person and established trust first. It’s a good fucking rule. Discourages pic collectors too.

Under physical safety, we need to mention sexual safety. Which gives me a nice place to mention STDHero. Go to STDHero.com and use my code TOL15 for 15% off your order. Fantastic company that respects the lifestyle. Sexual safety with another couple. I don’t want to say does this couple take sexual safety seriously or as serious as you do. There are different levels to sexual safety. Some people always use condoms, others don’t. Some people test regularly, others don’t. For the vetting process, ask is this couple on the same level of sexual health as you are. That sounds fair. Everyone should use condoms except with trusted couples and get tested regularly.

Emotional safety. I guess this could tie back to emotional maturity so make this a tiny little sub checkbox. Tiny box, very important. If people try to manipulate another couple through actions or words, bring drama, share drama, cause drama. These people are not emotionally safe.

Here is a good test or question to ask while standing there looking at the blank page, the potential of a new couple. How will you feel about this in the morning or the day after? Will you feel good and proud of your choices? The question is not should I fuck them but would I trust them with this energy after? If the chemistry feels off for any reason, step back, reevaluate. If this is the only chance you will ever have of fucking this couple, I personally don’t like that pressure. Same as a salesman telling me to act now or miss out on this amazing deal.

With any new couple, there is a story there. Could be a good story, could be an awkward story. Could be a story you laugh about in five years wondering what the fuck were you thinking pulling your dick out that night. Could be a funny story that turns into a lasting connection or a fleeting one night stand. Could be the best sex of your life or wondering how the hell to get you and your wife out of this room, never to return. Could be a lot of things.

The blank white page. Every conversation, every action, every look, giving us a reason to start writing, no matter the words. One day you can gather those stories together into a book and freak out your fucking grandchildren with stories of how grandma is still wild in her 80s.

Thank you for listening and tuning in every week. Make sure you tell a friend about the show. Thank you to the love of my life, my wife who is on this wonderful lifestyle journey with me.

If you want to reach out, ask a question, suggest a topic, send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Go to STDHero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% your order and get tested.

Whatever you may do today or tonight, I hope you do it with enthusiasm, consent, curiosity and a little bit of spice. You are appreciated, loved and I will see you for the next episode.