Episode 91

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies, a breeze on your back and sand between your toes. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about stories.

This show is for adults only. We will talk about sex, relationships, the lifestyle, and Ethical non-monogamy in an honest way with lots of real talk. If you are under 18, this is your only warning to go find a different show right now. Around here, on the beaches of sex freedom, consent, education and good times, everyone is welcome, lifestyle, vanilla or the curious. Whatever your gender identity, expression, truth, flavor you are welcome here. I do my best to use inclusive language, though you may hear words like husband or wife or man or woman to keep things simple.

Want to connect? Send me at email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order at STDHero.com. Testing takes a community to make a difference so get STI tested and be safe out there. For the best lifestyle parties, check out risquelifestyleparties.com. We love their vibe, attitude and always have fun and I promise you will too.

Next week, February 11^th to 17th my wife and I will be on the Fantasea cruise. They are not paying me to mention this I wanted to share in case you are on the cruise, come say hi. Give me a hug. We will be hanging out with the Risque Lifestyle crew so that’s an easy place to find us. I am not so vain as to believe that people will go on this cruise because I am, that I will be there. Other podcasters, yes. Me, no. That’s honesty right there. If you find me, say hi. We will talk and hang out and go on adventures together. I am not doing shit on this cruise besides relaxing and looking at boobies all day.

Since I will be on a cruise, I may or may not do an episode next week or the week after. Officially the two-year anniversary of this show is February 16^th. So I need to do a special episode for that. Have a little birthday party. With hats and candles. And boobies.

Stories. The value of stories in the lifestyle. A few weeks ago I shared a short story I wrote about a newbie couple. Oh the feedback was fun. The day after I dropped it, people were texting me, calling one person in particular the villain in that story. There were no villains. The characters are human. Characters that any of us could inhabit at any time. I purposefully did not want to provide any interpretation as the author. I wanted people to listen and decide on their own, hopefully sparking interesting discussions.

I was a part of one of those interesting discussions, spun up around me. Had a gathering of friends come over a few days ago. We had an impromptu celebration of life for my dog. They all listen to my show because they are awesome like that. One dude brought up the episode and it was on. In between trying on costumes for the upcoming cruise, my friends were fired up. They started interpreting and inferring and discussing the hidden meanings and motivations of these characters. One of my buddies was yelling out cucumbers. Another lady telling their own story of going on a date like that.

And then there was me, sitting on the couch, watching all this. I wrote the motherfucking story and people are analyzing this like it is an actual piece of literary work and not a hot mess of prose about four people figuring out fucking.

Going to be honest, I loved it since I am a vain bastard. Loved having a story I wrote and shared discussed by people, by friends in my living room. And I just listened. I didn’t add to the conversation. With this podcast, I feel like I am talking into the void a lot. I write early in the morning with a cat on my desk. My dog’s empty bed still at my feet. I record by myself, talking to a stuffed pineapple on a shelf in my office named Irma. Yeah this can be a lonely hobby.

To have people interacting with my creation, in my own house was a new experience. A good experience. I liked it. For my friends, let them take away whatever meaning they wanted from the story. Everyone can take whatever meaning they want from the story. And that got me thinking on a whole different track. Stories. The value of stories in the lifestyle.

How many times have you sat around with friends and shared horror stories of dates? I know I have. It’s a way we connect with new couples and friends. What’s the most fucked up date or encounter you have had? What’s something stupid y’all did when you started? Tell me about a time where consent got fuzzy and buttholes got penetrated.

These stories, all told from our own perspectives, connect us as humans going through this very human experience of ethical non-monogamy. We all have our own journey, our own play styles, our own code of ethics in the lifestyle. Stories are way to define those features of ourselves to others. This sharing is usually done in other cultures through a collective mythology. Cultures can share their values through their gods and legends and sagas and epics. We don’t have that in the lifestyle.

The lifestyle is a culture without myths. The lifestyle is a culture with a tapestry of stories that weave together to create the larger narrative of what we do, told from a very personal level, one person, one couple at a time. The lifestyle is the opposite of other societies and cultures in that the narrative weave that holds us together is made up of hundreds of thousands, millions of individual stories that come together to create the whole versus a top-down structure like other communities. We have no bards to share our hero’s tales, we have no great book of wisdom, we have no epic poems to study. We have no handbooks.

No one will give you an official swinger guide when you decide to become ethically non monogamous. You stand on your porch, declare you are ethically non-monogamous and the swinger van drives by to hand you a pineapple, that’s it. That’s all you fucking get. Figure out the rest on your own.

Yes, the internet does offer way more guidance than in previous years and you can find out the jargon and lexicon and expectations pretty easy with some research but we don’t have codified rules. Every couple is different and unique in how they do this. Some couples have open marriages, some play separately, some don’t. Some only do gangbangs. Others only swing once a year. There is no single guiding mantra that says you have to be a swinger in this manner.

The lifestyle lacks a creation myth. How wild is that? Other societies have a date they started. They have a history that can be cited. We don’t. No one is really exactly sure where the word swinger came from. When I mentioned this to my wife she cited the oft cited story of WW2 pilots in the states engaged in what we would call swinging as a way to reenforce the bonds between pilots. But there is no historical evidence for that. There is no historical evidence for any of this. This hobby, this lifestyle exists in the shadows for a reason, the secret spaces so there is no grand historical library we can walk into and do nerd shit.

What we lack in formal history we make up for with our oral tradition. I am going to say oral a lot and if you giggle every time I do, we can be friends. My friends the other night were sharing in this oral history together. My fictional short story prompted them to start sharing their own personal stories of triumph and ick, their own personal dating stories and sexual adventures, together while I sat on the couch listening.

They are not always bad stories either. This is a misconception. People can share good stories, good adventures with couples too. They do. The bad stories are funnier though. Still serve a purpose.   

This oral history, these stories we share do a couple of things. They show other couples the etiquette we ourselves find acceptable, they transmit our personal values in narrative form and they help us determine attraction. We don’t have myths so we become the myths. We don’t have sagas so we make them. We live lives that other people dream about and collect those dreams and share our stories to save them. We become unwitting characters in the stories of others to serve as moral warnings or validation or encouragement.

I will admit a hole in one of my points. The oral history, the stories, are not as relevant today for sharing social norms in the lifestyle as they were years ago. With the internet, yes anyone can go on the right forums and learn a bunch of shit really fast. But that is learning, that is not living. Big difference between learning about consent and putting it into practice every time. Shit gets weird. It can get weird.

Newbies can go online, find guides and workbooks and coloring pages that explain what is a swinger, what is the lifestyle, what to do and not do in a sanitized form that is easy to digest. All those fancy words mean absolutely nothing when a person is in a hotel room, trying to figure out when to start sexy time. Pro tip. Just yell it out. Let’s get naked and whip out your pecker. If it is going to be awkward, embrace the awkward. Never said I have good advice.

Etiquette in stories. When we share a story with another couple there is a huge value to this. We are showing this other couple the etiquette we find acceptable. If a couple tells a story about surprise anal and the wife did not like that, note a fucking mental note not to try surprise anal. Never try surprise anal ever. Ask first. It requires some prep.  

Get two swinger couples together and they will share stories. Good stories or bad stories or horror stories. When we share a story, let’s say about a bad date, what we are subconsciously doing is sharing behavior that we find unacceptable or questionable. We are then judging and evaluating the other couple for their reaction to see if they align with the same norms that we do. Can’t really ask, so how often do you flake on dates or ghost people. But we can share a story about people ghosting us to see how people react to it. We gain information about them through that.

This works for newbies too. When an experienced couple shares a story with a newbie couple, that experienced couple is sharing with them their personal values and the values of the lifestyle and the expected etiquette for all this wild shit we do.

For instance, if we talk about an orgy with a newbie couple. We can get into logistics, emotions, the situation. Give them the narrative of how it started and how it ended. The newbies can then take that knowledge, be it good or bad, and use it to inform their personal decisions if they are ever in that situation. This can cut both ways.

If you share a story about an orgy that was planned, thoughtful, people asked for consent and used protection, then the newbies will go into their encounter with those expectations. If you share a story that makes the orgy sound like a free for all then the newbies will go into it with those expectations. Their future behavior can be influenced positively or negatively by your story. That’s some wild power right there.

Continuing with the orgy example as a way to explain our personal values and outlook. Depending on how you frame that story, either as a communal activity for considerate adults or a fucking free for all as in a free for all of fucking, shows your own personal values. Do you value connection over sex? Do you want the sex to mean something? Are you looking for pure sexual fulfillment regardless of the participants.

When we share stories we are checking to see if the person we are talking to shares our values. Let’s say you share a story about playing separately. Some couples will be interested in the dynamic. Some will not care. Some will find the idea unacceptable. All of those are valid responses and tell others our own personal values and how we operate as a couple.

Stories are also a good way to learn about new dynamics. I didn’t know what the fuck stag/vixen was until someone told me about it. I didn’t know a bunch of stuff until someone told me. The difference between reading the term stag/vixen on the internet versus talking to a person who does it, questions. Clarifications. Details. Tell me more. If a dynamic interest you and you meet people who do it, ask questions. A tip. People love to talk about themselves. They will think you are the most interesting person ever if you ask them questions.

Stories also serve as a way to gauge attraction. Attraction in the lifestyle is made up of more than physical attraction. What? A person listening is now arguing with my recorded voice that no all we need is physical attraction and it is game on. Really fucker?

We need play styles to align. We need space and time to fuck around. Sharing a story about a situation where couples play styles did not align with your own or sharing a story about a couple that had trouble making time for fuckery, all of these are broadcasting to potential fuck buddies, hey these are the values we think are important without outright saying it.

I have met people who are very direct and forthright on what they want, how they want to do it, how they operate and how they expect you to operate. I know a dude, he has this down to science. Him and his wife are fucking direct about it all, codified list of dos and don’t and wants and expectations. I respect it. But most people don’t have that courage or any fucking clue how to articulate it. I dare say a lot of people have no idea what they are looking for until they stumble into a hotel room full of naked people and suddenly need to decide if this is worth taking off their pants.

The stories we share give people windows into the what we find attractive in others. If we talk about a good experience, we will share what we liked about it or on the other side we will talk about really rough experiences and have a laugh. Our stories can show that we as a couple can handle misalignment, weird situations, consent breakdowns. This shows that you can handle accountability.

If the idea that you are part of someone else’s narrative scares you, tough. You are part of someone else’s story. You are now a myth, a legend. Be fucking legendary. Give them something to talk about.

 If you have ever been on a date, been on a dating site, anywhere remotely close to swingers, there is a chance, however small that you are now part of someone else’s story. It may be a good story, it could be a bad story, it could be a weird fucking story. I love the weird stories. Don’t sweat this too much. It is a normal and natural thing in the lifestyle.

If this realization that you could be part of someone else’s story just slapped you in the face, sorry. It’s the truth though. Most of the time it is innocent. Most of the time, you are not the subject of someone else’s horror story. I have learned in the lifestyle that the same couples tend to be the subject of multiple people’s horror stories. That is called having a reputation. A bad reputation.

Conversely you could have a good reputation. Not all stories about a couple are bad. Some could be good. When people ask us about couples we know, I leave it vague. I will say whether or not they are welcome in my house, whether or not we think they are cool people, maybe mention we have hung out before. What I will never ever fucking do is talk about sex. The only people we share actual confirmation that we have engaged with the fuckery with a couple are very close trusted friends. That is a very small list of people.

Fuck me. I have to talk about this. I have to and it will suck and some people will not like this but it needs to be said and I can’t go to my grave not saying it. Dudes. Stop sharing details of your sexual encounters. That’s it.

This is locker room talk and it does not belong in the lifestyle. We are better than this and need to hold each other accountable to be better than this. I don’t engage in this behavior, and it is an instant turn off when men do it around me. What ever man does this, you ain’t touching my wife.

I promise the woman that you are talking about in graphic fucking detail about fucking her, doesn’t want this information shared. You don’t know how your story is going to land in the nervous system of someone else. You putting your dick inside her is not permission to tell everyone that you put your dick inside her.

I know why guys do it. Let’s create a bond through our love and appreciation for sex. Vanilla men do this. I have been around vanilla men doing it and I don’t like it. Fuck that. The story you are sharing is not doing what you think it is. It is a form of slut shaming. It is degrading to women. It is turning a human into a sex object. Stop it. If you want details, go try to fuck them yourself. Be better.

How would you feel if someone told stories about your wife? Went into details about the elasticity of her vagina? Or her breasts or her blowjob technique? Your wife. The love of your life distilled down her a physical act she performed with another man, now being shared with other men to establish dominance and reenforce their delicate confidence and even fragile male ego. Don’t feed this behavior.

Women. You ain’t getting off easy either. Women do this too. From grading the sex to measurements, y’all do this too. How would you feel if a bunch of women were making jokes about the size of your husband’s dick in a bathroom together? Be better.

There are ethics to sharing stories. Yes, you had a horrible date and want to tell someone about it. This is human. This is a way to connect. Some people never share a single story. Ever. I know people who are bank vaults of experiences. They might drop a single line about a single encounter that happened years ago. Don’t dig into it. Don’t ask for more details. When on receiving the end of a story, don’t pressure for details. Don’t ask for names. Be respectful of what is being shared and not shared.

You can share your own origin story. Origin stories are fucking gold in the lifestyle. Sharing how people get into this tells so much about a couple. What are their values coming in? Are they doing this for sex, fulfill a fantasy? Social connections? Boredom? The dreaded fix a marriage refrain? Origin stories are just like superhero origin stories. They can be complicated and convoluted or as simple as we watched a porn and decided to try this.

I have shared our origin story on a previous episode. We got into the lifestyle for friendship and connections. That tells people those values are important to us. We are much less likely to have one-night stands or go into any encounter as a one and done thing. That also says that we want long term friendships. For some couples, sharing our origin story is a turn off. They know what we are looking for, they are honest in what they are offering and they decide not to pursue us. Which is fine with me. I don’t want to chase a misalignment. Or go into anything under false pretense. Sharing our own story we can be honest and upfront, everyone should be.

Origin stories can evolve and grow over time. The couple that only did this to fix their marriage, hopefully found therapy instead. This goes back to humans being unreliable narrators in that the story changes with each telling and with time.

If you are going to share a story that involves other humans, be ethical about it. Right off, do not share names unless you completely 100 percent trust the people you are talking to. There is a difference between storytelling and gossip. Storytelling can be good. Gossip can be bad.

What is the difference between storytelling and gossip and a third category no one talks about, warning people. When you tell a story that does not name specific people in an anonymous way, you leave out any identifiable information that is good. When you specifically call out to people or mention details that someone could possibly connect in their heads, that is bad. There is a fine line between gossip and story telling. I feel the distinction is identity. If you specifically call out a person or a couple in a negative way, that’s gossip. If you leave a trail of breadcrumbs in your story for someone to figure out who you are talking to, that is gossip. People in the lifestyle love to gossip. Second favorite thing after fucking. We have a closed society, limited members, this lends itself to gossip of all kinds.

At the simplest level, storytelling is about meaning and gossip is about leverage. For instance storytelling is, I am sharing this because it taught me something or changed my behavior in a positive way. Gossip is I am sharing this because I want to change how you perceive this couple and/or judge them with me. Storytelling focuses on your lived experience as an unreliable narrator. Gossip defines and focuses on the identity of others, be it actions, flaws, or drama.

I do add in a third category that I feel is legitimate though in addition to gossip and storytelling. Warning. Warning is different than gossip in that it is about actions, harm prevention, shared with appropriate people.

I feel that it is acceptable to give warnings if a couple performs an act that is egregious, insurmountable, downright disrespectful of you and your spouse and the lifestyle, if they act in a dangerous or immoral way, you can name names. Might be unpopular opinion but usually the ones who don’t like this are the ones who are guilty of bad shit anyway. Safety warnings should be about preventing harm, not punishing someone socially.

Yes. People will share stories, maybe good and maybe bad. Understand that everyone is an unreliable narrator. They will leave out details. They may leave out the details that make them look bad. They may smooth over sections to get to the punchline. The couple that story is about may have a completely different perspective on what happened. What’s really wild is when you hear the same story from two couples and they are both trying to be vague but you know enough to put the details together and then you stand back and go yeah that was fucked up and you never mention it again or let anyone know that you know what the fuck happened. I am standing in the middle with a big grin on my face, tugging on my wife’s sleeve. My wife. My spouse. The audience matters.

Audience size fucking matters. Let’s build a privacy ladder together. Spouses.

I am under no pretense when I believe that people will not share every story and secret I tell them with their spouses. I know as soon as I get done talking, they are making mental notes on what to tell their spouse at the first fucking opportunity they get to tell them. We are human. Telling your spouse is one thing. I never like the idea of keeping secrets from anyone’s spouse so sharing a story with your wife or husband gets a pass from me. They probably want to know too and I would probably have shared with them too if they were in the same room.

Further up or down the ladder let’s go down the ladder. Trusted friends. This one is sticky. Do you trust them with your own stories? You can share a story and the lesson involved, maybe a little texture and spice but keep the details as privileged. This is the point to ask are we close enough for this story. Time helps for this one in a weird way. Like we can share a story that happened two years ago, now. We feel comfortable sharing with friends a story that is way back in the past. Not last week.

Further down, a casual community setting or a party. All these people need are the headline, the lesson and the punchline. No names, no recognizable details, no being vague in that way where you really want them to figure it out on their own so then you can verify it. This is the point where stories become reputations.

Bigger than that, chat groups. Mother fucker. I have seen people put some dumb shit in chat groups and I felt their buttholes pucker as soon as they did it. Don’t share stories that could be tied back to anyone in the same group, in that fucking group. It’s bad form. You are now airing out their business, and they may not want that business aired out. They may not want people to know they fucked you. I have had my business aired out in a chat group before and I didn’t like that. And if I didn’t like it, I imagine at least one other person out there doesn’t like it. Hi. We both don’t like it. Be conscious of what you are sharing in these groups. My outlook is no body needs to know who I am fucking when and where. It’s our business to share not spread around.

In these tight social circle otherwise known as cliques, stories have the power to make people into heroes or villains depending on who is telling the story to whom. Watch out for that shit. If there is one person spreading a story around, what are they trying to accomplish with this? Especially if that story holds no real value to the lifestyle then it is gossip and this person is trying to reframe a narrative to make themselves look better or someone look worse. Don’t fall into the trap that the loudest narrative is the right one.

Here is some easy guidance. Check with the person, the subject of your story before you share the story. People have done this for me and to me. I appreciate it. If there is any hesitation about you checking in before you share the story, you probably shouldn’t share it. Easy. The goal is consent and dignity. Let people consent and keep their dignity.

Stories build our culture up but at scale they can become weapons of embarrassment siege weapons, reputation destroying catapults, humor disguised as insults cannons.

Here is a novel idea. Story consent. This is a real kind of consent. Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t give you permission to share that story or your part in their story. Deep fucking thought right there. I am not saying you should add to your list of consent questions, hey can I tell people we fucked but be aware of this. Consent matters so much to what we do in the lifestyle. This is beyond physical consent. This is emotional consent, this is the kind of consent that will live on for years.

The best stories we can share as a community show our values in action. They teach others our positive values like consent and safety. The best stories are the ones that show our friends in a positive light.

STDHero has a big announcement coming soon. A new feature that people have been asking for in the lifestyle for years. I will keep everyone posted on that when it is released.

Risque Lifestyle parties. Need to talk about what they have coming up. Go to risquelifestyleparties.com for information on all these events. In March, in Baton Rouge Louisiana will be the Risque Mardi Gras party, March 13-15. Then the first weekend of May is Luminous, a wild glow party in Fort Walton Beach Florida. Back to School is August 28 in Baton Rouge and the second annual Pulsify event will be October 1 through the 4 in Fort Walton Beach. Get your tickets. Make your plans. My wife and I will be at all these parties so come party with us.

Thank you for listening and tuning in every week. Make sure you tell a friend about the show. Thank you to the love of my life, my wife who is on this wonderful lifestyle journey with me.

If you want to reach out, ask a question, suggest a topic, send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified.

educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. difference.  Go to STDHero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% your order and get tested.

Whatever you may do today or tonight, I hope you do it with enthusiasm, consent, curiosity and a little bit of spice. You are appreciated, loved and I will see you for the next episode.