Episode 84 – Welcome to the Lifestyle Part 2

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies, a breeze on your back and sand between your toes. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we dive into the lifestyle again.

This show is for adults only. We will talk about sex, relationships, the lifestyle, and Ethical non-monogamy in an honest way with lots of real talk. If you are under 18, this is your only warning to go find a different show right now. Around here, on the beaches of sex freedom, consent, education and good times, everyone is welcome, lifestyle, vanilla or the curious. Whatever your gender identity, expression, truth, flavor you are welcome here. I do my best to use inclusive language, though you may hear words like husband or wife or man or woman just to keep things simple.

Want to connect? Send me at email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order at STDHero.com. Testing takes a community to make a difference so get STI tested and be safe out there.

There was a natural stopping point in my story and I felt it move within me. The sun was setting as I left my deck chair on the beach metaphorically a few weeks ago, leaving behind an empty margarita and a notebook of scribbled show ideas. A warm breeze coming in that spurred me to move. Shaking the sand out of my shirt, placing a hat on my head, my eyes were set on the wooden dock by the tiki bar with the faded pineapple sign. My friends turned their heads and waved as determined feet carried me straight to the little sailboat bobbling in the gentle waves that evening. Determined feet matching the cadence of my heart, the drum of my soul. The beat telling me to go.

Bare feet on warms boards, down the dock. Friends watching from shore as I cast off the lines. Questions of where am I going? When will I be back? What am I doing? Why are you stealing that boat? The answers, I don’t know. Someday. I double don’t know and the boat told me she wanted to go with me.

To the horizon I sailed, away, out. Leaving, looking.  Holding the Panama hat on my head, my beard flailing the evening wind, I gripped the wheel of that ship as a man possessed, ready for new adventures away from familiar shores, taking a vacation from his vacation. I left the lifestyle behind, the podcast, the world behind me for a few weeks to see what is beyond the horizon.

Hello everyone and thank you for listening, subscribing, returning with me to the lifestyle. I am back from my hiatus. I took three weeks off to do nothing creative and very little lifestyle related. The original plan was to do three weeks off and share an episode last week. That did not happen due to an unfortunate stomach virus which made it impossible to sit upright for a few days.

A wise man would take that time off to carefully craft a script, give it many days’ worth of pondering and editing, spend those weeks making sure his return would be triumphant, a tour de force. A wise man would take that time to write a few episodes, so I have a backlog to pull from. Fuck that. I am not a wise man. I am a procrastinator. Having the pressure of a deadline sharpens the wit and words.  

I share that to prove we are all human. I am human, my journey through the lifestyle these past few months has been very human. Big highs and low lows. And if you have been following along, yes, the universe is still speaking to me about polyamory, and I can’t figure that one out.

This episode is me coming back to the lifestyle, to the podcast, content creation, sharing, lying, wanting to connect with you if only through my voice in the ether. This is me returning with a torn sail, no idea where I went and the need for a drink. In my time off I have not gotten any better at transitions.

Elevators.  Fucking elevators. They are these liminal spaces where life can change in an instant. They fascinate me completely by accident. I don’t have an elevator fetish, though I have had sex in an elevator. Elevators are an apt analogy for where I am right now in my journey. Transitions from where you are to where you want to be with the universe in control of what happens along the ride. Will a sexy hot couple join you? Will you be alone with your thoughts? Will you smash all the buttons on the way out to cause a little chaos? Will you wonder why the floor is sticky?

Few weeks ago, we were at a Halloween party hotel takeover. This was right after I decided to take a break and trying to figure out what I want to do next, who I want to do next, what projects I want to do. Spoiler, I still have no idea on that one. Every idea sounds great until you decide to commit. Only fans, Patreon, a membership site, seminars, meetups. I really don’t know and I am okay with not knowing what my next step is. Let the universe take me up and see what floor I end up on.

At the party, I needed to run up to the room to decompress my brain as I was not doing research for another psychedelic episode and as I am riding this metal and glass box, I had time to think, investigate my own reflection in the shiny distorted walls. Looking at myself, through myself, missing friends, missing life, missing something. Is missing the right word? That implies deficiency, but I am not deficient. Looking more, wanting more, I don’t know if that is possible. Is less the answer? Am I this sexual beast pretending to be a man? All I really wanted at that moment for sure was to find my personal trouble who tells me yes sir and fuck her all night, but she was not there and damn it I wanted her there. Am I a lizard wearing a devil costume rambling to myself in this elevator? Did that wall breathe? What floor am I on? What floor do I belong on? Did I even press a button? Is the universe telling me to go to the fifth floor for some reason?

 It was a strange night. The kind of night where you forget your room number and realize that you are standing in a hallway with 100 identical doors, each one with a story behind it. A story you are not a part of, a story you will never know. Outside the safety of the elevator, there is chaos, there is abandon and fun. In that elevator, I was so close to a personal breakthrough, the barriers of reality about to warp and pour their gooey wisdom on me, then the door opened and scared the hell out of me.

An elevator is a good analogy for where I am at in my personal journey through the lifestyle. Unsure what floor to go to, unsure of what button to push. Kind of okay just standing here and waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the door to open to a wide smile, dressed up as a devil, waiting for new people to join me. Waiting for old friends to summon me.

And now that I ponder this, woe unto any vanilla dude that got on that elevator. Flipping the scene around, there is me, in a red coat with plastic horns on my head, covered in red glitter, huge pupils, smiling ear to ear alone in an elevator at his own reflection, flexing my chest to the music in my head. Telling someone to join in the kindest, loudest voice possible, sharing that I am on a personal journey of discovery and soul searching. Holy fuck me.

Everyone evolves in the lifestyle or changes floors to keep this analogy going. I have talked to people who have been in this for ten years who still make rookie mistakes, hitting the wrong button for the wrong floor. I know newbies who give me the most mature wise answers to moral dilemmas we face. It’s weird a lot of my close friends, we all started around the same time, and we seem to be shifting our priorities.

Tired of casual connections, wanting more. Realizing what feeds our souls in this. Wanting to focus more on the aspects we enjoy, not simply go with the flow. The evolution through the lifestyle is rooted in honesty. Being experienced enough, going through enough shit, doing enough, that there is perspective that gives honesty, that lets us evolve in this.

My first episode, many months ago was called Welcome to the Lifestyle. It was short, I was nervous, I had not found my voice nor comfort with the idea of recording myself every week. Plus, my microphone sucked. In honor of that episode, I wanted to do part 2, Welcome to the Lifestyle part 2. A stick in the sand to denote the tides, a place for us to move forward from, acknowledging our own evolution and honesty in this. A chance for me to return a stolen boat, bring back coconuts I found and return to my chair on the beach.

If you are new to the lifestyle, start here, or pick a random episode. Listen to all of them. Tell your friends. Send me an email, tell me hi. You can send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com and no one will know you did unlike my other content on the other socials where people can see whether or not you give the swinger podcast a like.

It’s wild to think in the 650 some odd days I have been doing this show how far my wife and I have come in our lifestyle journey. I have done orgies, sunsets, boat rides, drunken conversations, psychedelic induced revelations, honest moments, lies, good sex, bad sex, things that no vanilla person would believe. I have friends who have been in this for a long time, and they can confirm this is normal.

There is a lesson for new couples in this. Your definition of normal is going to change. A normal Saturday may have been sitting at home watching a movie and a glass of wine. The new normal will be an orgy and staying awake for 27 hours to finally crash in a bed you do not know, next to a woman you barely know.

I know a couple who have been in this for fifteen years. They have experienced every different flavor, aspect and way to do the Lifestyle. It’s wild to talk to the husband. He has been there. He has seen it all. When I hit a brick wall in my own journey, he is there to offer guidance.

He has been through heartache in a fashion, he has seen tribes form and fall apart, he has led swinger groups and walked away from them. When I have struggle with the Lifestyle, he has been there to offer advice and guidance and keep me from spinning out. Not as a placating presence but as the voice of wisdom.

I have learned everyone does the lifestyle in a different way. No way is better or more right or more wrong than any other. You have to find a method that matches your expectations, capacity and abilities. What is your personal comfort level with the lifestyle and what others are looking for from the lifestyle?

Let me back up. If you are thinking about joining the lifestyle, I can’t tell you which way to go, what to do, or if you should. There are plenty of resources out there for you to make an informed decision. My show sits on the nexus of you already made the decision, what do you do now? Do you make a profile? Go to takeover? Put your tits on the internet?

If you are brand new to Lifestyle, first step is to get STI tested. Don’t freak out. Don’t be aghast at this suggestion. Responsible people in the LS get tested on a regular basis, share their results and make their sexual health a priority. Go get tested before your first encounter. That way you know that you are all clear when you walk into this.

I don’t care how you get tested. Doctor office, clinic, at home test. Just do it. STDhero.com is a sponsor of this show. I know they exist, and they ship all over the United States so for those in the states, you have no reason to not get tested. STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order.

STDHero is a lifestyle friendly company. The owners come to our parties. They offer medical assistance if you do catch an STI, plus an online pharmacy. Go check them out. Go straight to their website, stdhero.com instead of Amazon because you can use my code TOL15 for 15% off your order on the website. Plus, I get a few bucks.

The lifestyle. Let’s take a super complicated topic that I have already done 83 episodes about and run through it in half an hour. What is the lifestyle?

Well the lifestyle is a code word, a collective term, a lifestyle. Lifestyle is the current term for those who engage in ethical non-monogamy in its many variations. Those variations are usually, but not always defined along lines of sexual preference as in hot wife, couples, singles, gangbangs, open marriage. However you want to do the lifestyle, it is okay and can fall under the umbrella. Some people object to using the term preferring the archaic term Swinger. Swinger denotes four people, two couples, whose primary interaction is sex. I have had long debates on this topic and there is no clear answer. If you are a swinger, want to call yourself that, do it. Know that not everyone uses that term. It is not worth it to split hairs on this one.

Not everyone is in the Lifestyle for just sex. I have learned that and you need to know that. Some people are and that is fine. Others are looking for friendships, social activities or even relationships. When we started, we thought this was all sex. We have since learned you can have more than that, you can have less than that. It all depends on what a couple is looking for. Whatever they are looking for, they can find it.

It is perfectly acceptable in the lifestyle, to only fuck around with another couple once a year, once a quarter, once a month. Perfectly acceptable to go to a sex club, do your thing, then stop. It is perfectly acceptable to find a close friend couple that you fuck around with on a Thursday night then have dinner. However, you do this, as long as you respect yourself and others, it’s all good.

Pineapples. I would be remiss if I did not mention fucking pineapples as a symbol of the lifestyle and or swinging. Yes vanilla people know about pineapples. This symbol is funny though. I think it became associated with swinging by vanilla people creating the meaning and then was adopted by swingers as a symbol. Either way I own way too much pineapple stuff now.

The lifestyle is based on three pillars as I see it. Consent, body positivity and sexual freedom. In the lifestyle, consent is the most important thing. Consent is necessary and asked for if you want to touch another person beyond a handshake and an awkward sideways hug. Every action, sexual or otherwise requires consent. Give you a quick rundown on consent. Ask before you touch. Ask before you proceed. Consent can be revoked and consent is not forever. Consent can change and you have to respect the changes. I did an episode on consent. Go listen to that if you are new here.

If a person says no, no means no. Don’t argue, don’t try to jedi mind trick your way into changing their minds. Take the no and walk away. No one owes you anything. No matter how a woman is dressed or not dressed, clothing or lack of clothing does not give you permission to touch her.

Personal example. I have this sexy chest harness I love to wear and every time I wear it in public there is a woman who decides they want to attach a chain to me without my consent and try to pull me around. That’s a no. That is a big no. So, I have to save it for special occasions. To all the ladies who are hesitant to wear their lingerie sometimes, I get it. I’m a 200-pound man who looks scary as shit and people still do this to me.

The second pillar of the lifestyle is body positivity. A couple of parts to this. People will accept you, your nudity, your body in lifestyle spaces. Does not mean everyone wants to fuck you. There is a distinction here. People are allowed to have preferences, and you may not be what they prefer. I know I have a preference. Does that mean I exclude everyone from my orbit who does not meet my strict criteria? No, because personality goes a long way too. But I do have a physical preference, and you do too. It’s okay to have that. Flip side. Don’t be a dick to people who don’t meet your physical preference. Even if I don’t want to fuck someone, doesn’t mean that is permission to be a dick to them.

Body positivity, respecting everyone’s body is super important to what we do. You do not have to be a perfect physical specimen either. If you want to use the lifestyle as inspiration to get into better physical shape, do it. I have seen that a lot, knowing that you will be naked in front of people you are not married to and may want to present a different version of you. Or don’t. Somebody will fuck you. Most people in this hobby, and I do call it a hobby, are over 40, parents, struggling to balance life and fun. So no, don’t need a six pack to be in this.

Sexual freedom. The fuck to say about this. In the lifestyle, we fuck each other. We fuck each other in an ethical responsible manner. Yes this could be an entire episode by itself so I will make this quick as I can. This is not cheating on our spouses. Our spouses are involved as much as they want to be. We do this ethically with full disclosure. We don’t hide it. We have sex with other couples who engage in ethical non monogamy. We are honest about our desires, primal or otherwise. There is clarity on what we want.

You are allowed and encouraged to fuck around, have fun in a safe responsible manner. Use protection. Get tested. We don’t judge others for their desires and what they do. I tell people as long as it is fun, consensual and safe, do whatever you want. Yes, there are a stack of fucking nuances three cats tall, my cat Bart is still on my desk as I write this and he will serve as a unit of measurement. I must do an episode on this topic.

When I started this podcast, I was naïve. I was dumb. I am still dumb and I acknowledge my own failings in social interactions often. I have learned a lot since then. One topic that has expanded in my brain is all the different flavors and ways people enjoy the lifestyle. I think flavors is the right word. We all like ice cream, some prefer vanilla and others like complicated flavors like peanut butter brittle and chocolate chunks. Some people experience the lifestyle in a simple, please don’t take that word wrong, simple way and others prefer more complicated dynamics.

Let’s break this down. Not an exclusive or exhaustive list. As I ponder this next section, two thoughts. One, everyone listening will begin trying to figure out what category they fall into. Here’s the rub I have learned. It changes. It evolves. Where and how and what you do in relation to the lifestyle will flux and flow and change. Secondly, I can’t create neat buttoned up names for these categories because they are mercurial. Couples are shifty, a moment is chemically unstable. You may go to one party with the intention of getting new dick and the next party decide not to swap. Labels fall apart under scrutiny as much as some people love them or reject them.

Labels sound great in theory. An easy way for me to share what we like and want. Yeah, till labels change in the moment. Labels sound great as shorthand, saving us the trouble of asking multiple questions. Labels will fail you. It’s great to have one but don’t expect it to answer every question or situation you may find yourself in.

Maybe you are a full swap couple, you tell people you are full swap and one night, decide on a whim to do a hot wife experience. You weren’t lying to all those people you previously told you would into couples. And you may never do a hot wife encounter again. But for one night, the label changes and it may change again tomorrow.

A classification that is kind of simple is no swap or dirty vanillas or vanilla swingers. Pick a name. There are couples that I would consider in the Lifestyle because they observe our tenets who do not actively engage in sexual activities with others. But Jayson that makes no sense? Why would someone be in lifestyle spaces if they weren’t trying to get laid? When you separate out the sex as a defining aspect of the Lifestyle, you will see that there is so much more that can be enjoyed.

Some people take umbrage at no swap couples being considered in the Lifestyle. To which I say no. If we accept all sexual expressions including bisexuality, then we must also accept those who do not want to engage in sex. Full honesty, my wife and I have thought about going no swap a few times. At events we may decide ahead of time to not fuck around with anyone. My wife wants to enjoy the party and dancing that night instead of trying to get laid. See our own labels can change.

Does this mean we are no longer full swap? Can we be a flavor at one moment and change it for another moment? Yes. We can all do that. Rambling away here. The amount of time you assign a label to yourself can also change. Going back to us, we have gone no swap for a few weeks then back to full swap. Or maybe for one party we decide not to swap. Doesn’t change our overall dynamic and there is freedom to change your status as you and your spouse want.

Realistically, if you tell a couple, you are no swap at this moment and they call out that you were full swap two weeks ago, congratulations they have a memory. Its an individual or couple’s choice on what they do and what they call what they do. We are all allowed to step back from the sex if we want for however long we want.

There are other aspects to our culture we can enjoy without focusing on the sex. We can enjoy the environment, the people, the connections, the loud music and blinking lights. And that’s okay. No swap couples are valid in our spaces. They paid their money, they can be at the event.

There are couples who only swing once a year, quarter or month. Maybe they go apeshit on a cruise for five days then do-nothing lifestyle related till next year. Are these people any less valid in the Lifestyle or their participation? Hell no.

This part sounds shitty but it’s a thing we need to address. There is no absolute guide, requirement, participation level in the lifestyle. I have encountered people who judge others based on their frequency of fuckery with people or the number of people they have sex with, either positively or negatively. That if you aren’t doing it every weekend or at least arbitrary level other people set in their minds, you are not a real swinger or a real participant in the lifestyle. Fuck that noise.

There are no requirements to play or not play. You can chose of your own free will how often you share your body or your spouse with a person or another couple and no one can tell you shit about it. If someone does offer an opinion on whether you are too busy or not busy enough, fuck that noise. The lifestyle is a community of individuals so whatever measure you use; your comfort level is up to you.

As I was writing this, a conversation with a dude that happened years ago popped into my brain. We started engaging with this new couple and the husband shared privately that his wife prefers not to play with couples that are very active. Imagine me saying that in air quotes. At the time I was stupid and told him oh yeah we aren’t that busy. No problem. In hindsight with the benefit of experience I can recognize how fucked up that is.

He was trying to accomplish a few things with that statement. He wanted to figure out how active we are, he wanted to set a standard of acceptable activity for us, without offering the same standard on himself. He was using his wife as a disembodied authority figure on acceptable standards of operation in the lifestyle. In my experience, couples who pull this shit, nine times of ten, want a scenario where you and your spouse turn down your activity level to make them happy while they go out and do whatever in the fuck they want when you aren’t around. You got to read between the lines sometimes and its good we stopped engaging with them.

There are couples who are very focused on having sex. However, they do that. Be it multiple partners at an event, dates every weekend, dates every day, gangbangs, orgies. That’s okay. They can handle it, they enjoy it. You don’t have to do it yourself. If you want to be that active, and active is a bad word but I think it has the least connotation around it, trying to find a clinical neutral term here. No one should shame anyone for being too active. As long as it is safe, fun and consensual no one can tell you anything. As long as you take a shower after, I don’t care.

Other couples, want more from the lifestyle. None of this is exclusive either. Some people want long term connections and friendships. I will offer this. Sex gets better with repetition and frequency with a couple. One night stands, tend to be very self-focused, as in you just want to get off as quickly and efficiently as possible. With long term, repeat business with a couple, you learn. You learn what they like. What their personal moans and groans mean. You learn their bodies. That is fucking magical and I live for this. There are couples out there I hope I am still fucking in ten years because I know the sex will only get better from there. With that connection comes friendship which is also a beautiful thing.

Some people shy away from the idea of friends in the lifestyle. I respect it but I also know they are missing out on so much. Yes, you can participate in the lifestyle and have no close social connections. I know people who do this. They have their vanilla life buttoned up and the lifestyle is a rare indulgence for them. Again, it falls under the umbrella of you do you. As long as you are respectful about it. It is allowed.

Many ways to experience the lifestyle. No set rules on activity, participation. You have to find the level that works for you and your spouse. That works for your expectations and how you want to experience this. My wife and I have learned that we prefer deep connections and friendships to random hook ups. We landed on this after experiencing different aspects of the lifestyle and figured out this is where we are.

We could go back to random hookups. We could go no swap. There is no one out there telling us what to do, no one telling you what to do. The only person you need to answer to, not the best way to say that, we will say communicate with is your spouse.

Communicate. Communicate. One more time. Communicate. When you join the lifestyle you will learn all new ways and words to say what you think and want and need. You have to express this to your spouse honestly and openly. I admit my wife and I struggled with this when we started and now only after a couple of years have we gotten to a point where we can be completely honest about everything. It is a skill that takes practice. Constant practice. I find it funny that the vanilla world thinks being naked in front of a couple is this ultimate act of vulnerability, it ain’t. You get over that real quick. I have spent many nights, naked with my wife and a couple laid out on a bed talking in between rounds of sex. Nudity, you get over that.

Real vulnerability is sharing your feelings. Real vulnerability is having hard conversations. Real vulnerability is being open about yourself. If that terrifies you, then stop and assess what’s going on. The most successful couples I know in this, as measured by time in the lifestyle, communicate honestly and openly. If you are joining the lifestyle, go get tested, then go tell your spouse your darkest most secret sexual fantasy. Are you prepared for that?

Are you prepared for raw conversations about how you felt when you saw your wife giving another man a blowjob? How did it make you feel? Good? Weird? Did you enjoy it or not? Does the idea cause you some anxiety? You need to tell your spouse all that. Be vulnerable.

I have had moments when we are doing the fuckery, a feeling clicked in my brain and I needed to share with my wife. I have been in situations where I didn’t feel good or feel included and I needed to share that. I have been in situations where I thought this was the greatest fucking moment of my life and I shared that too. Be it good or not good, communication is paramount in this. Not just with your spouse, long time sex buddies, friends, comrades. These people need your vulnerability and honesty too.

I promise you will find your tribe of people that you can be vulnerable to, if that is what you are looking for. I promise there are people out there who want to be part of your tribe, carry your banner, and if you can’t find a tribe to join, make your own. Some people want to be part of social groups in this. Some people make two friend couples and that is all they need. No right or wrong way to handle the larger social group dynamics either. You can choose to join big chat groups based on the perceived benefits. You cannot join them.

I ain’t in the mood to define a bunch of terms today. Other people have done that. I guess my new message for the lifestyle, to welcome you to it, when you decide to get on that elevator, don’t hit a button. Just take the ride and see where you end up. No right or wrong floor to go. No right or wrong way to face in the elevator either. Leave the expectations at home. And if you happen to get on a with a half dressed man with really big pupils having a spiritual moment, give that bastard a hug.

Before I go today, I want to mention In the Playroom podcast, new show out from my friends available on the same platforms you found this show. Go check them out.

Thank you for listening and tuning in every week. Make sure you tell a friend about the show. Thank you to the love of my life, my wife who is on this wonderful lifestyle journey with me.

If you want to reach out, ask a question, suggest a topic, send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.

My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. difference.  Go to STDHero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% your order and get tested.

Whatever you may do today or tonight, I hope you do it with enthusiasm, consent, curiosity and a little bit of spice. You are appreciated, loved and I will see you for the next episode.