Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about ab cramps.
This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.
Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.
Ab cramps. Fucking ab cramps. Ever had an ab cramp? It’s the worst possible muscle to betray you mid-fuckery. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, its during a very spicy long, vigorous, sweaty Olympic level session of sex. Then out of nowhere, boom, one of my abs, always the middle one on the left side I think, locks up.
I scream. Not a manly grunt and shrug off the pain. Not a sexy low growl of pleasure. No this is full on pissed off jungle cat scream. Like a panther stubbed his toe on a tree limb. Like I got hit by a Mortal Combat fatality, pain and I drop to the floor to roll around uselessly. I try to contort my body into a position to stretch it out and nothing helps.
Ever got a charley horse in your leg? Imagine that, but on your stomach. I laugh through the pain though. All you can do because it is so ridiculous. I am rolling around naked with a hard on the floor, surrounded by naked people asking if I am okay. Yes, I am okay. I will live and be right back to the fucking in a moment. This past weekend, I finally found a comrade in cramping.
I’ve been on a quest. A mission, if you will. I’ve made it my personal duty to investigate the phenomenon of ab cramps during sex. And how do I conduct this research? By randomly ambushing my guy friends with deeply uncomfortable, unprompted questions.
I wait for the perfect moment, a lull in conversation, a sip of beer, a vulnerable pause. Then, I lean in. A little closer. Lower my voice. Make intense eye contact. "Hey man… can I ask you something personal?" They always hesitate, but curiosity wins. They nod. Of course, bro, you can tell me anything, they answer. I take a deep breath. It is kind of embarrassing, I share with them, followed up by a “Not sure if this happens to you”. Now they’re hooked. Their faces soften. This is a safe space. "It’s okay, man. You can tell me." And that’s when I drop it. "Do you ever get ab cramps during sex?"
Their brains skip a beat. The confusion is instant and profound. I can see them buffering, like a dial-up modem trying to connect to the internet in 1998. Processing. Processing. Usually, they recover just enough to shake their heads and say, “Uh… no?” So, I clarify. I explain, sometimes, mid-thrust, my abs betray me. They cramp up, and I scream like a man whose favorite team lost a soccer match.
Still, they stare. Shocked. Disturbed. But this weekend? I found one. Another man. A fellow sufferer. My people exist. I am not alone.
Now, do I know why this happens? Not really. My theory? A population of men are core-dominant when they thrust. Others are glute dominant. And if you’re out here flexing your abs, 60 to 100 times a minute, over and over, yeah, something’s gonna give. And when does it? It takes your dignity with it. And I know, drink more water, hydrate and all that. That is why I keep a stock of sports drinks next to the bed. Chugging electrolytes between sessions. Electrolytes it’s what plants crave. Hopefully someone got that reference out there.
This got me to thinking. As my random awkward encounters usually do. Two thoughts twisted together. What is normal? And sex is weird. That’s my conclusion. Or rather the rambling points I want to make today.
Look at sex. Not right now. You are probably busy doing vanilla activities like pretending to work. But think about it. Not in a sexy way. A mechanical way. Two humans and yeah, I know self-love exists but its more fun to think about two naked people. Two fleshy humans with blood engorged genitals lay down, one person rhythmically slamming against the other like they are trying to solve a rubix cube with morse code. There are fluids. There is heavy breathing. Then there is climax where your body involuntarily flexes special muscles, the brain gets loaded with feel good chemicals and the nerves in your body all fire at once. Fireworks go off. Boom goes the dynamite. Bells ring. The sun shines. Orgasm.
Humans are designed for sex. The clitoris is the only organ that serves no purpose other than being a feel good button, that is called evolutionary commitment. The penis is weird too. A fleshy vulnerable tube extending out from the body that must be protected at all costs. No bones in it, can’t do anything with it. It’s not like a cool prehensile tail that could let you climb trees better or carry stuff. I suddenly have a vision of an alternative world out there in the multiverse where dicks are functional little trunks and dick purses are a thing. Nope, here in our plane of existence, dicks just hang there waiting for a rush of blood.
And that’s sex with two people, add two more people into the mix and it gets double weird. Now there are four naked bodies, either in pairs or combined like a sultry Voltron robot. Then all four people may lay on that bed naked in a surreal post sex bliss for an hour and talk in the most raw, honest way possible. Cleaning up after a really good fuckery session, I always mumble I have a weird life as I try to remember where I threw all the condom wrappers. Always fun to find condom wrappers weeks later, the little bastards slip under beds or end up stuck in strange places.
Nowhere else in this world do we do this. Nowhere else can you sit around naked and chat with people like this. All this is super weird. Not in a bad way. Weird does not mean bad. To balance out the weirdness we have on the other side of the coin, what is normal? What is considered normal to one person might be weird to another.
Side note: this general conversation is mainly about the act of sex and human interactions. To address the physical, if your genitals suddenly switch from normal mode to not normal mode, you should go get tested. If there is burning, itching, leaking, that is not normal in any way. I recommend STDHero.com, use my promo code TOL10 for 10% off your order.
That’s why I was happy to find another guy who gets ab cramps. When it first happened, I figured out what the shit. I went to the internet which did not return good results. Apparently, I get appendicitis every time I have sex.
I know it’s not a major medical issue, just a weird thing that happens. Asking around let me know that I am normal, I am not unique in my issue. And I want you to take that away from this episode. You are normal. Sex is weird. You are not weird.
I want to throw out random bits from my personal journey that happen. The things that might happen leading up, during and after sex that yeah it was unexpected but not a cause for concern. Things that are normal that you need to stop worrying about, stop being anxious, understand no matter what happens, this is all part of the weirdness that is sex. Sex and sexual connections are a wild range of events and the spectrum that could be considered is big. Very big. Wide. I don’t know how to measure spectrums correctly.
My wife came in while I am writing this episode. We will now share the wisdom of my incredibly beautiful wife right here with no segue. Everyone is awkward. Even the most extrovert person you know, they feel awkward sometimes. We all wear masks in our interactions with people and it’s only when the mask slips that you can know the real person. Everyone questions their own normality at some point. Know that everyone is carrying around this concern in their heads all the time. And if everyone is worried about being normal, maybe we should realize being awkward is normal. Thank you beautiful wife.
Wondering what I am talking about so far let’s give you a personal example from Jayson’s big book of lived reality, you ever been having sex with another person and you get a little sweaty. Not enough to break a sweat, damp. And then your skin sticks to their skin and makes a noise. Repeatedly with every motion. This sucking farting noise from skin sticking to skin. That’s the thing I am talking about. It’s weird and normal. Means it’s good sex.
Some people become self-conscious when their bodies make this noise. They try to shift positions away from making the noise. Don’t. Embrace it. Yeah, our bodies are tacky and making squishy noises. It’s normal to happen.
I am a sweaty person. I fully admit that. I will break a sweat looking outside. Which I admit when we started in the Lifestyle, caused me a little bit of embarrassment. My wife was used to my liquid affection but other ladies not so much. One of our first encounters, the other wife made a comment that I sweated on her in a slightly disgusted tone. Didn’t like that.
All it takes is one person saying one critique to fuck up your head. So, for a while I was self-conscious about it. Until I had another conversation with a different partner. We did the thing with this couple, and it was great. I worked up a sweat. I had enthusiasm for what I was doing that night. There was no ramp up, I jumped in full barbarian mode because this woman was walking stunning beauty. Tension had been building for weeks, and I unleashed rage and fury that night. I sweated. Felt self-conscious about it after as my wife and I debriefed after the encounter.
We saw this couple months later and the other wife confided in me that I had unlocked a new kink for her. She learned she finds it very attractive when a man breaks a sweat during sex. Like really arousing for her. Talking to women about this, I have found a decent population of women who enjoy it. They feel it shows the man is enjoying himself and giving it his all.
My takeaway, some people dig it, some people don’t. I warn potential partners ahead of time and address any concerns, but this is me. I know me and my body. If the potential partners have concerns, I will wear a sweatband. Fuck it.
Is it normal to break a sweat during sex? I counter with is it normal to break a sweat if you are working out? Because I am bringing that same energy, unapologetically to any encounter.
Give you another one. Sex positions, specifically woman on top. For me, when a woman is on top, I am going to buck like a bronco. Hips going up and down. I fuck back I guess we could say. I thought this was normal. Always done it. Whole life this was my operating procedure. I learned it is not normal. It is not a universal guy reaction.
Talking to another friend, she told me other men don’t do that. Some men lay there, some men just move their hips back and forth. I had no clue. None of these options are wrong, different though. Some women like the men to lay there so they can use their hips and do stuff, others like men to buck back. It’s all relative to what the other person enjoys. Relative but still normal.
When we were vanilla, the only time I saw other men have sex, was in porn. Which is not realistic at all. Seeing the fucking technique of other men in action in the same room, is educational. Finding the silver lining here. You can learn new motions and techniques.
In the lifestyle, there is an opportunity to debrief with your spouse after an encounter. You can talk about what the other couple did that you like or did not like, thereby giving you feedback on how to pleasure your own spouse better. Your view of normal is evolving based on being exposed to new sensations.
Let’s talk about vaginas. I like vaginas. I like all vaginas. Is there one archetype of vagina that could be considered standard? One design that is superior to all others? One design template that we have all agreed upon is the right kind of vagina. Fuck no.
This one irks me. I hear from women, women who feel very comfortable with me, they might be self-conscious of their vagina shape. Maybe the labia minora is too big or they don’t have that barbie style vagina, everything tucked neatly inside, barbie style. It’s all bullshit. Myths perpetuated by porn.
I feel a rant coming on. Okay. To my lady listeners. All vaginas are different just like all peckers are different. There are similarities but they all have their own quirks. Some have big clitoris, small clitoris, some have prominent inner lips, others do not. Guess what? I can tell you after an exhaustive study, they all feel basically the same from the inside and that the same means wonderful.
Porn perpetuates this idea of a perfect vagina. No visible labia, smooth, hairless, just like a barbie doll. Did you know porn producers will digitally remove the visible labia from women before a film is released? Yeah, porn is perpetuating this stereotype. Then men, fucking men, will look at porn and think all women should have a certain type of vagina. These are also the same men who are super self-conscious about their perfectly normal sized dicks.
Ladies, as long as everything is good to go medically, your vagina is fine. Any man who is close enough to look at it, should be fucking happy to get to see it. Possibly touch it. He should cheer and be happy. I know I am.
This view about what is considered normal down there is not new. It took me awhile, but I found this story. John Ruskin was a Victorian art critic. Never take any life advice from someone who can be described with the adjective Victorian. John married his wife Euphemia Gray in 1848. Their marriage was annulled in 1854. The legend goes that John, being accustomed to seeing hairless vaginas in art and statues, because I guess carving a bush would be difficult. John could not accept the fact that his wife had pubic hair, you know the perfectly normal fucking amount of hair that all humans have between their legs. Is this true? I don’t know. It’s a good legend and no history remembers John Ruskin as the guy who got freaked out by the normality of the human body. Pretty sure he deserves it.
Guess I also need to talk about dicks. I have seen dicks. I have seen big dicks and not so big dicks. Some of them have big heads, some of them don’t. Some are circumcised; some are not. Guess what, they are all dicks. They all do the same dick function. If you are worried your dick on the small size, as a friend once told me and I share her wisdom here, your tongue works.
Before we move on to other topics, I need to put our reassurance about menstruation. It happens. Perfectly fucking normal and natural for a woman to have a monthly cycle. It happens. We are all adults here and aware how the female body works. Or at least you should.
Ladies, please don’t feel bad if you have to cancel a date because your cycle shows up. You don’t have to apologize. Or maybe you start spotting during a play session. We all, as a community, need to give grace on this one. Please. No woman should feel bad or dirty because her body is doing a natural function.
Periods are good because it means you are not pregnant. Haha silver lining. I don’t have a uterus, but I know periods can be brutal and most people don’t feel sexy for that week. Random adverts drop here.
There is a medication that is available that can delay a woman’s cycle by up to ten days. It exists. Good solution if you have a vacation coming up or a really intense play date. You can find the link for hello wisp in the show notes. Go check them out.
Let’s say a couple is doing the deed with another couple and one of the ladies starts spotting. Be a fucking adult about it. Don’t go ewww, don’t recoil in terror. Clean it up and decide if everyone wants to proceed. Or stop. No right answer to whether to continue the only wrong answer is if a dude in the group decides to be a little bitch and make a big deal out of it.
Another random thought. Lingerie. I propose there is no way to remove lingerie in a sexy manner. It is normal to fight and tug and lacy panties will always get stuck on your shoes when you go to take them off. Aha! You think I saw this movie one time where a lady took off her super complicated strappy lingerie in one move. Swipe and gone. You saw that.
I refute your assertation by saying that shit was choreographed. They practiced that way in advance and tried many times to get it right. Sharing the real-life experiences with you.
T-shirts, pants, underwear, yeah those are easy to take off. Socks. I am swerving with my topics today. Socks on or off during sex. I don’t know the consensus here. Some ladies say no, a man cannot leave his socks on. Others don’t care. Dudes, the long tube socks that go up to your knees are not sexy. You may have to wear those if you are in a cold environment. They are not sexy though. You should probably take those off.
The calf socks and maybe the ankle, shoe socks, I don’t know the technical name for socks. Those might be okay. Maybe you have cold feet. I know some women with insanely cold feet that like to shove them on your shoulders during sex, think about that position, and it’s cold. Sometimes socks give you extra traction. All that to say, if your socks go above your calf, take them off.
Clothes. Taking clothes off in a sexy manner. From personal experience, lingerie is fucking complicated to take off in the heat of the moment. Don’t get it twisted. Lingerie is amazing. Sexy lacy skimpy outfit. Peak fuckability right there. Getting a woman out of a stretchy net, that’s what it is, a stretchy net, in practice, not that easy.
It’s complicated because you have to respect the garment. Be careful. Don’t pull any part of it too hard or rip it. Woe unto thee, thou who disrespects the lingerie. Taking off lingerie should be a sensual experience. Slow, deliberate. Not removed in a rush and hurry.
Ladies, it may cross your mind that you are not very graceful when you remove your lingerie. Here’s the secret, no one is. Been around the world and I can tell you, no one is graceful. No one is judging you for your ability to take off your clothes. They are happy to be in the room with you and it is all part of the experience.
Clothing will always fail you. Just like technology will always fail you. Technology will always find a way to fuck up your fun. Sex toys, speakers and watches. Sex toys will fail you and that is normal. Friendly reminder, go charge up your sex toys. You have been forgetting to do it and you will need them soon, so go charge them up when you get home.
Sex toys are great. Anything electronic can fail you though. Especially when a person is right there on the edge, hanging on the edge before full on orgasm. I think they have a sensor to know how close you are, and they cut off right at that moment.
Speaking of cutting off, speakers. Fucking Bluetooth speakers. Damn things can work perfectly for weeks. You could use it every day, 10 hours a day and when you need it for a sex party, won’t connect. Again, technology has decided that moment, don’t want to work anymore and then the next day, it works fine. The hell. Happened to me. Always have a back up speaker.
Finally watches. Fucking watches. Jayson, what is your problem with watches? Been around for hundreds of years. Yes, though it has only been the past few years that humans in our infinite wisdom have connected watches to our phones. Which means you can have a conversation through your watch. Other people can hear the noises going on around you through your watch.
Or let’s say sexy time is starting up. Everyone leaves their phones in another room and migrates to a room with a bed. The fuckery starts. And then someone’s watch buzzes because they are getting a phone call. A phone call from their kid they have to take. A little human that they are legally bound to take care of.
Kids have an uncanny, unnatural ability to interrupt the fun at the best or worst possible moment. I don’t have kids, but I have it on good authority that kids have a Ouija board that guides them to the absolute perfect moment to call. Might be super innocent like can I have pizza for dinner, or it might be hey my little brother is vomiting. It happens.
Is it normal for children to throw off a date or a sexy adventure or even a conversation. Yep. Perfectly normal. Yes, your children have terrible timing. All children have terrible timing.
Don’t sweat that. Most people in the Lifestyle get it. Kids are more important. Making sure your kids are okay is more important. Don’t get angry. Don’t get embarrassed. Shit happens.
We create these ideas of what is normal outside the Lifestyle and then bring them here with us. There is very little normal about the lifestyle. I never thought I would be completely comfortable in a room with ten naked people. I never thought I would do a podcast about fucking people I meet on the internet.
Oh, let’s dive down that rabbit hole. The internet, online communication. Here’s a tip. Everyone sucks at it. Everyone thinks they are the worst texter, chatter, online persona out there. No one is sure what to say. No one is smooth in text conversations. Texting lacks so many nuances of human communication like body language and tone and inflection. Very easy for an innocent statement to be misinterpreted.
I can’t even say it is a generational thing. You would assume people under 30 would be better at digital communication because they grew up with it, but nope. And then we got nudes.
Nudes are amazing. They are fantastic. I don’t care if the lighting is bad, and you contorted your body into a weird shape to get the exact right angle. I am just happy to see nudity. And I promise anyone who gets that nude is happy to see nudity. Don’t stress over your nudes. I promise they are great.
Spinning back to what is normal? It is normal in the Lifestyle to send other people nudes. Can’t do that in the vanilla world. We in the lifestyle create our own definition and semblance of normality that can be weird to outside observers.
Talking about sex and normality, what happens is a couple who have been together for years, they settle into a routine of normal sex. They know what the other person enjoys, and they do that repeatedly because it works. Maybe your husband enjoys lick, suck, flick, poke, lick. And then you get into the Lifestyle. And you are exposed to other people and their sexual desires and styles. Opens up a whole new world.
You may encounter a man who enjoys suck, flick, poke, lick suck while this other guy likes lick, suck, lick, flick, poke. I am proud of myself for saying that right first time through. That’s a talent. Tell your friends about this show and the high-class content I offer.
We create our own definitions of what is normal, reenforced by the views of others. In the end it is still up to us to decide what is weird and what is normal for us. I thought I was the only person with ab cramps till I started asking around. And I sweat during sex, so now the option is wearing a headband or we getting wet.
Where does this idea of what is normal for sex come from? These ideas have to originate somewhere. That somewhere is two opposite extremes and maybe a little line in the middle. I think our sexual styles, wants, patterns are formed around late teen years and early 20s. I know for most people, your musical taste is locked in around 16 or 17. Think about it. Do you still listen to the same genre of music as your teenage self? I know I do. I still smile when Korn comes on the radio.
Be it sex ed, socialization, relationships, a lot of sexual ideas are locked in by our late 20s. The other factor is porn for those that watch it. And porn gives a very distorted view of reality. It is made to be consumed and will often go to interesting places in order to keep you watching.
Dudes. We need to talk about this. Choking. Don’t choke people. I know porn makes it seem like women like choking. Don’t choke women without talking about it first. That’s just one example. Not all women will scream and holler when they orgasm. Some women are really quiet. Some dudes are really loud when they cum.
These are all distortions that influence what your personal idea of normal is. The third point somewhere on that spectrum is your spouse. Like I mentioned earlier, their sexual preferences are a big consideration that people bring into the Lifestyle. They think well my husband likes when I give his dick a toothy blowjob, ergo therefore ipso facto all men must like that. They do not.
You are not weird. There is a misconception that we as individual unique beings see our personal foibles, idiosyncrasies and experiences as unique. One level that is true. On the other hand, they are not. You are not the first person in human history to experience ab cramps, or sweat during sex, or really like armpits or feet.
I have an outlook on technology that transfers to this metaphor, analogy, representation of the human condition. Look if your computer is doing somethings squirrely, like it is possessed by a pissed off Victorian ghost and will only show cat videos no matter what website you go to. You will try to fix it. You will most likely go to a search engine and type in possessed computer and cat videos to see what pops up. You will find a guide on how to fix it or a helpful post from someone who had the same issue.
The internet gives us a window and the ability to connect with other people with our same issue, I say that in air quotes. No, you are not alone and at least one other person out there experiences the same thing there, there by normalizing it.
Speaking of concepts that you are not alone in, fetishes and kinks. Everyone has a fetish or kink. Some are more extreme than others. Some are down right tame in comparison. Everyone, you, me, your neighbor, that random guy following you in traffic right now, we all have desires for certain sexual concepts that we find arousing. There are very few kinks or fetishes that I will look at and say nope, shouldn’t do that. There is a line in my mind of a fetish being too far. Short of that line, skies the limit.
If you enjoy balloons, get to popping. If you enjoy feet, get to sniffing. I am not here to judge anyone. As long as it is consensual and safe go for it. You are not the only person on this planet that enjoys your fetish and kink. If it has a name, then someone out there is into the same activity you are.
You are not alone in anything sexual. You are not the first person to experience a sensation, a desire, a want, a body function. Other people have experienced it too and will experience it in the future.
I was reminded of this by asking random men if they have ab cramps during sex. Yeah, I had something outside the norm happen to me and it turns out I am not alone. You are not alone. You are not weird. You are normal enough to be a part of the Lifestyle.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference. Go to STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL10 for 10% your order.
Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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