Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we see what is going bump in the night.
Happy Halloween. I am declaring Halloween as the best Lifestyle holiday on the calendar. This holiday has everything. A reason to get dressed up, a reason to party, a reason to get naked and eat candy, that too. What makes Halloween so special to the Lifestyle community? What freaky frights are floating through the night to scare the vanilla world?
Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter what your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.
Halloween, traditionally a season of trick or treating for kids, candy, costumes, spooky season and scary movies. Our modern sanitized version of plastic masks is now a small stop on the never-ending march towards the holidays and Christmas. Why are Christmas decorations out in stores before Halloween? I know the answer is capitalism, but I wanted to lament and ask rhetorically.
While Halloween’s footprint in the cultural zeitgeist of the western world is shrinking, in the Lifestyle, Halloween is still the best holiday. The rest of the year, the LS community has to censor and hold back. Okay we really don’t, we just don’t hide it as much around Halloween. And the vanilla people don’t notice us either.
The rest of the year, it may be a little socially unacceptable to dress up as a scantly clad nurse or a in a rope, I have seen that. I saw a lady wearing a single rope. Up one side and down the other.
This time of year, we don’t have to hide. We blend in with everyone else. Suddenly the veil between the vanilla world and the LS thins, shimmers, breaks. The vanilla crowd comes very close to crossing over to the other side and never even knows it.
The vanilla people will dress in their sexiest cat girl outfit and decide this is the most liberating night of the year because they can walk around in their underwear, for us we always feel that way. And when everyone is in lingerie at a party, can you tell you the swinger is in the crowd?
While the rest of the world focuses on amassing dangerous levels of candy on this night, for the Lifestyle people, it can be our favorite holiday of the year. It’s my favorite holiday at least. This past weekend, my wife and I attended Risqué Lifestyle’s Halloween party. It was epic and awesome as always.
As I was standing in the ballroom, a dance version of Metallica’s Unforgiven thumping in my chest courtesy of friend of the show DJ Fabz, surrounded by Lifestyle friends having fun, it hit me. Halloween is the best.
In the LS community, we have a chance to pour our creative juices into costumes and parties. We have a night where the vanilla world embraces being sexy and wild. The unknown spaces we exist open their door to the vanilla world if only for a few hours at a Halloween party where someone lowers their inhibitions enough to ask what if.
Lost in a squirl of vampires, ghouls, sexy nurses, a couple of fairies and the sexist version of Pennywise the Clown you have ever seen, the air was pulsing, thumping, heavy with excitement and anticipation at the event. On the edges of the crowd, bunnies and devils prowled in lust, floating in and out of the dark corners. Mustached Marilyn Monroe was living his best life on the dance floor while sexy JFK confused my penis. Let me explain that one.
A couple we know went to the party as gender swapped Marilyn Monroe and JFK. I need to give a special shout out to the guy dressed as Marilyn Monroe. He rocked six-inch heels all night. He danced all night in those heels. Big respect for that. He was living his best life and enjoying himself. And oh, the ladies loved his costume.
Then there was gender swapped JFK. She had on a suit jacket and tie, plus a corset and garters. And a paper JFK mask. She nailed the accent perfectly. Definitely confused my penis with that one.
At this party we were all free. Free to be, free to express, free to live. Free to dress up in whatever fucking costume we wanted.
Maybe we were channeling energy from a long-lost autumn celebration, echoing through history, reverberations of a forgotten epoch. When the coming winter is celebrated, the work of summer is done and now we turn to internal pursuits, carnal pursuits best performed under warm blankets by fire light.
Similar to other holidays, Halloween started out as a party. Granted it was probably a fertility ritual but come on, we all know it was a party. Get with the program anthropologist. You can call it a ritual or a ceremony or a celebration, it was a fucking party. They had bonfires and masks and danced all night. It was a party, and we continue this proud tradition. It was a gathering of a bunch of people with food and drinks, having fun. That’s a party.
Risqué was and is a good place to gather for our Lifestyle fun, we had fun Ya’ll. The night had so many moments for me of huh, that’s really cool. Those little flashes of inspiration for an episode that as I write this script I am hoping to coalesce into a narrative structure.
Trying to be as culturally neutral as possible so bear with me. The holiday season, which stretches between Thanksgiving and Christmas or Hanukkah or Diwali, November and December are busy with vanilla stuff. And now Christmas, specifically Christmas, is encroaching into September.
I like the generic brown and orange thanksgiving decorations that get put out for three weeks then banished to make more room for Christmas every year. Does anyone decorate for Thanksgiving? Genuinely curious as I don’t think I have ever seen it. Halloween started out as a fun party, has Thanksgiving ever been fun?
Thinking back to the origins of Thanksgiving, a bunch of pilgrims sitting around a table, the scene is always during the day. No one looks happy to be there. Zero smiles. Go look at all the paintings depicting the first Thanksgiving. No one wants to be there. It looks like everyone is waiting at a doctor’s office, quietly sitting there, the oppressive environment pushing down on our very souls. And now centuries later we reenact this somber gathering every year. Thanksgiving is the saddest holiday.
We might as well scratch November and December off the LS calendar. I have noticed over the years that the LS follows seasons. Hear me out. January is all about New Year’s Eve. The first big thing of the year, then there is a lull the rest of January, February may have a few events but it’s quiet too. March starts picking up. Either Mardi Gras in the southern USA, Carnivale in the rest of the world or something around sports. April may have Easter in there which is not an LS friendly holiday. But then we get to May and the summertime, at least here in the northern hemisphere. Summer is the best, bikinis and beaches and tropical drinks.
Then August, which means school starts up and everyone with kids is busy. October is a final pop of the year with Halloween then we get to November and December which are full of not fun activities. So yeah, we have seasons, a great wheel in the sky that determines the best time of year for shenanigans. Shit gets real quiet end of September and again in January.
Lumping November and December into one entity simply called the holidays. Every weekend is spent with family or vanilla friends. Trying to schedule any kind of LS fun is a bitch this time of year. Everyone is somewhere else or has other commitments. Which is fine. We all have to do vanilla stuff at some point.
Ya’ll I am not good at vanilla gatherings anymore. My brain is broken. I am so used to hanging out with Lifestyle people where the conversation can flow naturally from boob size to home owners insurance to fuckery and back around. Having to make vanilla small talk is painful. I know no one actually cares about my job or hobbies, they are just making conversation between bites of pie.
Vanilla family gatherings, they don’t care what I have to say. They are just waiting for me to take a breath so a random relative I only see once a year can share that my little shithead cousin who I affectionately called Billy Son of a Bitch made an A in school. Fucking great, let’s all celebrate your kid who hasn’t looked up from his iPad in four hours and started crying because the corn touched the turkey on his plate. Fucking great time here.
The small talk is painful. Oh, fucking wonderful my cousins went to Disneyworld last month. You know what I did, an orgy. I bet my cousin’s husband would rather go to an orgy than spend thousands of dollars at a theme park. I don’t get to share my life at these events.
Oh Jayson, what have you been up to? Well, I started a podcast about fucking and getting better at fucking people. But yeah, tell me more about your boring life. I put on my vanilla mask, eat the dry ass turkey and stare into the void, mentally counting down the seconds until I can leave.
Why the hell is it always so hot at family gatherings? See I put that thought in your head and now you are realizing, yeah family gatherings, no one can properly control the thermostat. Five generations of people and for some reason no one thinks about turning the heat down. The fuck. Anyway.
Offering guidance here for those that need to juggle vanilla Halloween and Lifestyle Halloween. It is entirely probable that you will be invited to a vanilla gathering in the evening on the same night as a sexy LS party. You can pull this off. I believe in you. The trick is to have transforming costumes.
Let’s say a vanilla friend invites you to a party that starts at 7. The LS party is going to start later because of course they do. LS party starts at 9. Cool. We got two hours of vanilla time then on to spicy time. First trick is your costume. You can sex up or down a costume as needed.
Take a men’s vampire costume. The traditional route is black coat, maybe a vest, the fangs. Go to the vanilla party in your standard issue costume. Then when you get to the Lifestyle party, you strip it down. Lose the jacket and pants. Keep your vest and underwear. Easy change.
For women, a witch’s robe will cover your whole outfit. Put on the sexy black lingerie you want to wear to the LS party, cover it with a robe. Nobody knows. Easy to flip a costume. Having to change costumes between parties is a right bitch, so plan ahead and you can avoid costume changes.
If you have to do two parties, plan out your exit. Set up your reason to leave prior to the vanilla party. You can be honest and say you want to hit up another party. Don’t go hard at the vanilla party either, you cannot make the LS party if you are already hammered. Give yourself enough time to change if you have to, preferably not in your car cause putting on a corset in the backseat while trying to keep your naughty bits covered from prying eyes is asking for trouble.
Yes, Vanilla Halloween parties can be fun. Not knocking them at all. Much less likely for titties to pop out though.
What are Lifestyle Halloween parties like to share with our vanilla audience? Pretty much like all the other Lifestyle parties. We dress up, dance, and have fun. If I had to point to movies to describe it, think Rocky Horror Picture show versus Eyes wide shut. Eyes wide shut is the movie the vanilla world thinks of when they think lifestyle or swinger party and it is so far from the truth. Super problematic on so many levels.
We do not have secret orgies in grand mansions with masks. I want to see the face of the person I am fucking. Not to say those kinds of parties don’t happen. I have heard of them, never attended. Those aren’t really lifestyle parties; those are more pay to have sex with strangers parties. Our gatherings are more raucous and fun, that why I point to Rocky Horror Picture show.
If you are a newbie couple or dipping your toes into the lifestyle, I have no idea why everyone uses that phrase. I see it all the time. Dipping our toes in. If the lifestyle is a pool and you just dip your toe in, still going to get wet. Haha. I think that’s a joke. Halloween is a good time for newbies to try a Lifestyle party. Be it risqué or somewhere else, it’s a really good option.
You can wear a costume which depending on your comfort with sharing your personal identity, might calm your nerves. Pro-tip here. No one gives two shits who you are. Unless you are a celebrity, no one gives two shits who you are. I have run into couples who are terrified of people finding out they are in a sex club, well everyone else is in this sex club with you. So, we are all guilty by association. All that to say, Halloween. If you have a super great need for discretion which I can respect, Halloween is perfect.
I am currently working on a book to tell people how to maintain discretion in the lifestyle. Hoping to be done later this year.
You can wear a costume to protect your identity. It is socially acceptable to wear a mask if needed. Granted you might not get much interest from people because you are wearing a mask, and they can’t see your face. There is a tradeoff there.
This year at Risqué people put effort into their costumes which warms my heart. My wife made our costumes. We went as Jem and Riot from the 80s cartoon, Jem and the Holograms. I hope someone out there gets that reference. If not go google it, look up Riot and the Stingers and Jem and the holograms on YouTube.
To our credit, two people at the party knew who we were. I will have pictures of our outfits and previous outfits up on SDC on our profile if y’all want to take a look. My wife made my jacket and assembled all the pieces. She made her outfit and accessories as well.
Costumes are instant icebreakers at a party. I will ask what you are wearing to the party. I will ask if you made it, ask about the construction because I find all that fascinating. One lady at the party made her costume out of four scarves. I know this because I asked. Yeah, picture that. It was sexy as hell. Had this Grecian goddess, fairy queen vibe to it.
Another lady we met, who as an aside she shared that she was a polyamorous lesbian. Which goes to show that you don’t have to be Lifestyle or a swinger specifically, you don’t have to conform to that label or any label to attend these parties, her costume was brilliant.
She assembled her costume from the party lost and found. She wore all the pieces of outfits that people had left at the Risqué parties throughout the year, wrote lost and found on her chest and walked around asking people if they saw anything they left at a previous party. Brillant. The hook is as people claimed items, she had less to wear as the night went on.
Costumes for Halloween are a funny thing. The vanilla people will use this as the one time of year to dress sexy and slutty. Lingerie and a set of cat ears. Yep, good enough for a vanilla party. What the vanilla crowd wears on Halloween, that’s what we wear all year long at all the other parties we go to. The vanillas think of it as one day a year to dress up and we look at it as a challenge to go even harder.
Another aspect of costumes and the lifestyle that doesn’t get enough talk, is talk the right word? Let’s say talk is the right word, body positivity. In my mind this makes sense so roll with me. I never want anyone to think they can’t wear a costume and by extension attend an event and further extension be in the Lifestyle because of the way they look. The Lifestyle is an incredibly inclusive community, no matter what your background, socioeconomic status, personal history or career and most importantly your body, you are welcomed and included in what we do.
You may not be everyone’s preference physically which is okay as well because everyone is allowed to have preferences on who they have sex with. In terms of being in the environment, being a part of the community, everyone is welcome.
I know this can be a difficult subject. Everyone struggles with their physical identity. I will tell you a secret. That super-jacked guy at the gym who you think is a perfect specimen of human physical potential, has the worst body dysmorphia you can imagine. I know this from personal experience.
Sharing more personal vulnerability here. Despite all the hours I spent in the gym I am still self-conscious of my body. And I probably always will be. Leading up to this Risqué party, I was crushing workouts five or six days a week. Dieting. Cardio. Doing all the stuff I felt I needed to do to look my best, carving my body with weights to achieve the perfect V-taper. And then I put on a costume with a jacket that covered 95% of my body. Yeah, it makes no sense.
I want you to know, right here and right now, you are okay, and you are welcome. No matter what you may think may not be perfect with or on your body, no one cares. I say that in a nice way. No one cares. We are happy you are here. We are happy you are partying with us, and we accept you.
And that extends out to costumes. You want to be a sexy vampire. Do it. Want to prance around all night like a demented horse in lingerie? Do it. I have seen dudes rock speedos and fancy man thongs with smiles on their faces. Do it.
There is liberation in costumes. There is liberation in Halloween. You can become something or someone else if you want too. Outfits you would never wear in a vanilla setting, are totally fucking great here.
We wore wigs with our costumes. I don’t like wearing wigs. I had a big 80s rock star style wig, hair everywhere. We went cheap on the wigs which means you can’t style that synthetic bastard. Just let it flow where it wants to go, which just so happened to be right in my face all night. I was a trooper. I kept it on all night because I promised my wife I would.
What’s funny about wigs, wigs don’t get enough credit. For one thing, no one recognized me until they got close enough to see the beard. One guy spent half the night wondering who the hell I was until he walked over and shook my hand. Now my wife though, she had a purple wig, she was able to style it and oh snap did she look sexy.
Don’t sleep on wigs. Ya’ll looking to spice up your personal sexy time. Wigs help. Wigs add just enough of the differentness that is super sexy.
A lot of horror tropes like vampires and witches lend themselves super easily to be Lifestyle-ilized. Vampires. Come on. Is there any greater trope out there of the tall mysterious stranger lingering in the shadows, ready to draw you in with his seductions? Flip side. The succubus or temptress. These are easy costumes that exude the lust and primal nature of the lifestyle.
Then there are the fun costumes. For LS Halloween you don’t have to go scary. Like I mentioned the lady who went as the Lost and Found. You can go funny. Think of professional wrestlers or hot dog cooks. You aren’t locked in or restricted. Stay away from offensive. Don’t go political or religious please. Also, usually parties have rules about keeping the nips, lips and dicks covered.
Random rules you may need to follow. No weapons and no weapon-ish props. Oh yeah, fucking glitter. We need to retire glitter as a society. Hotels hate it. People who host parties at their house hate glitter because I have fucking glitter in the grout of my kitchen tile that will never come out. My floor is so sparkly. So yeah, watch the fucking glitter.
Okay, you are not locked into a single costume either at a Halloween party, or really any party. You can make costume changes. You can show up in one outfit and then as the night goes on, take some stuff off or even change in a whole different costume.
My wife is sharing this pro tip to all the ladies and the men because I did this. Bring comfortable shoes. Wear the sexy uncomfortable shoes for the pictures and first hour, then go change your shoes. Black tennis shoes work with 99% of outfits and are way more comfortable than a pair of boots or heels.
I have to give a special shout out to a couple who had the best room decorations I have ever seen. Ya’ll, they showed what is possible with just lights and a few tapestries. They put-up battery-operated lights outside their door so everyone could find their room. They taped up trippy tapestries on the walls. All around the room where blacklights and stage lights. Then he had a projector shooting at the wall playing interesting videos. It gets crazier.
You know how hotels have pictures affixed to the wall. Not hung up but glued on the wall, you cannot take these down short of a crowbar. He used a program to map the projectors videos to fit the frames on the wall. They didn’t bring in a bunch of heavy equipment or move furniture around. Just using lights, they created a super cool hotel room for the night.
They were able to use light to create a sensual inviting atmosphere. Yeah, Halloween is supposed to be spooky season and scares and all that, but it is also a super sensual holiday. Low spooky lights are also low sexy lights. The music is slow and moody which is great for intense slow fuckery. I see it as a natural mood setter for connections. Plus, I like the aesthetics. Purples and blacks and skulls and crows and all that.
Halloween is also the time for horror movies. I personally ain’t a fan of horror movies. Now haunted houses, I fucking love those. I worked in a haunted house when I was a teenager, and it was the best job ever. It was my job to flush the lines. When a group entered the house, which was really a former furniture store, sometimes that group would get too scared to move forward and pile up in the hallways, unwilling to move forward, screaming the whole time. It was my job to find these groups, patrol the hallways with my flashlight and then shame them into moving forward or escorting them to a chicken door. Best job ever.
So, horror movies ain’t my thing. I don’t really watch movies or television at all anytime of the year. Horror movies though, I see the appeal. They are controlled induction of fear. It is manipulation of our emotions. We expose ourselves to scary scenes to illicit a visceral physical and mental reaction. We want that little tinge of fear. Horror movies create these bizarre universes where the macabre and the fantastic are possible, suspending our belief in our own safety for two hours at a time.
There is a parallel here with the lifestyle. With the lifestyle there is excitement and a rush of adrenaline. Not fear. Drawing a line there. Ain’t about being scared. But what we do offers us a controlled way to tap into a primal emotion be it lust or joy or something else. Lifestyle is way for us to tap into the exciting part of our brains. You can tell I am a very trained brain specialist over here.
The parallel is that we are in the Lifestyle are seeking out these situations that create a response. Be it physical or emotional or recreational. When you meet a new couple, there is a palpable excitement you feel. I see it the same as a vanilla person watching a horror movie. They are doing it to tap into sanitized fear while we do it to tap into controlled passions.
Back to my original thesis, Halloween is the best Lifestyle holiday. We get to dress up. We have a reason to party. We immerse ourselves in an environment that is conducive to sexy time.
The vanilla world has no idea how close they get to the Lifestyle side during Halloween. If you ever find yourself staying at hotel around this time of year and notice the ballroom is suspiciously blocked off, if you notice music playing all hours of the night, if you hear laughter bouncing down the hallways like a spooky red ball, you might be a lot closer than you know.
Halloween allows us to ask the what if questions. What if I was a vampire? What if I trick instead of treat? What if I took a look behind the curtain, opened the door and see what’s on the other side? There are a lot of what if’s to explore this time of year. The best time of year. Happy Halloween.
I have two courses and am working on a third. The Single Men’s Course and the men’s guide to flirting are available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. Single Men’s Course is 99 dollars and the Men’s Guide to Flirting is 29.99. I also have a free eBook, the Take your Shot conversation guide to help you make conversations.
I am working on a new course. Not quite ready to tell everyone about it but when I do, you may smile and possibly cry a little bit. It will be awesome! It will address one of the first questions just about every couple asks when they join the lifestyle. And I already spoiled the upcoming book, A Matter of Discretion.
Everyone to some degree in the lifestyle wants to maintain discretion, a separation between their Lifestyle personas and the vanilla world. So, I am writing a book to help, share all the tips and tricks and secrets, safe ways to share your pics and manage your online life. Hoping to have that done maybe next month or December. Don’t pressure me, all good things in due time.
I will be doing two live shows on SDC on November 8th and 19th. I am super excited for the show on the 19th. We are talking about nerd stuff, how your geeky passions can help you connect with couples. You can sign up on SDC or jump on to the live show. I encourage to ask questions, get involved. Send me questions ahead of time if you want and I will answer them live on the air.
Next week I am planning on having DJ Fabz, the Lifestyle DJ back on the show. He is doing show, party, set, not sure what to call it when a DJ is doing his DJing thing. The party is in Baton Rouge, Louisiana on November 9th. You can check out his page on SDC or his website, djfabz.com for details. Come on out if you are in the area. Free event, no cover. There is a football game watch party then he will be spinning all night. We will be there to support him, and I encourage everyone to join us. If you are a newbie and curious, this is a great chance to attend a meet up of LS people in a casual, no pressure environment. I am personally inviting you. Me, speaking right now in your ear. Come on out and join us.
And I owe you my audience a big thank you. I huge thank you. We passed 20,000 downloads. Thank you to everyone who shares this show with their friends, everyone who listens, everyone who enjoys it. On to 50,000!
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for the blog, courses and other fun stuff.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.
Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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